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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Disclosure or Discovery
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was it like for you as a WS on DDay? Did you come forward and confess or was it discovered through an email, a receipt, someone letting your BS know? I remember my BS finding a receipt and when she asked me about it I went through elaborate stories to try to cover up and deceive her even more. I finally realized how useless it was to deny it and admitted to the affair. I was not even thinking of her feelings and only looking more to protect myself by trickling the details. This caused more suffering for my BS. I am trying to think why I did not come forward with the affair. I know that I was really more concerned about my own protection. If I thought more about how the affair is hurting my BS then I would probably have come forward. Now I know what cowardice is. What did you do? I would also like to ask what the BS's think.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read my story, you will see how things went with me. A couple of weeks after my WS left (out of the blue, I had no idea that our marriage was in serious trouble) I started investigating and one thing led to another and I realized there was another woman. I had been asked by friends if there was someone else, but I knew the type of person my husband was and assured them that WS would never do that - NEVER!
I called him on the phone and after begging him to tell me the truth, I asked him where he was. He told me, "with a friend". After a few pointed questions, I asked him if he was having an affair and he finally said yes. I was stunned. On January 1, 2013, he came back home. I asked him if there was anyone else and he confessed to one other affair. I gave him a "free pass" that day. I asked him to tell me all of it. He didn't. I got an email the next day from his scorned ex-lover and she told me some horrible things about my WS. He denied most of it including the fact that neither had ever been in our home, but that too was a lie. So many things that were in that email were true. It took months before I found out the whole truth. Many, many months and each truth took another piece of my soul and destroyed me all over again. He protected himself with his continual lying. He was trying to stop the hurt but created so much more in the long run. We would be so much further along in this healing process, IMHO, but that didn't happen.
And I'm not sure I have it all now. Yesterday, he agreed to a polygraph and I hope to arrange that soon. If he fails, it's over. I have begged and pleaded for the whole truth NO MATTER WHAT. Surely, I deserve at least that! That is my line in the sand and I will stick by that come hell or high water.
The only thing I would say to any WS is no matter what, no matter how much it is going to hurt, no matter how scared you are that the truth might ruin things, finding out about the lies makes the hurt so much worse. Tell the truth. Tell the whole ugly sordid story. Finally show your BS that you respect her enough to at least do that,

Posts: 918 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A was discovered....my BH already had suspicions because a few weeks before DDAY he had my cellphone when the AP sent me a message. I made up an excuse about the message and told my BH that AP and I were just friends.

On DDAY my BH witnessed a convrrsation on fb bw myself and AP....I was at work, he was at home using my kindle.

AP and a friend both told me to go home and lie to my BH but at that point I knew it would only make maters worse. I sent my BH a message asking him to bring our DD somewhere. ....at that point I had no right to ask him for anything but I didn't want her to witness it. .

That was the scariest ride home of my life....I answered all his questions and we talked and then he kicked me out.

That was our first DDAY.....the second one was in September.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 730 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed.
He was caught. Twice. All were awful. Discovery makes trust in recovery so very hard.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:57 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4493 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was caught. My XH was doing bills and noticed a higher than usual cell phone bill. I had been under the impression that we had unlimited mobile-to-mobile calling on any network. Turns out it was just unlimited within our carrier.

So he called the number and got OM's voicemail. Then he began to dig for more evidence and found pics, texts, videos, etc. on the cell account.

I was at work at the time and pretty much suspected I had been busted when he didn't return my texts. I knew I was busted when he texted me a video he had found of the OM jacking off.

It was horrible. It was like my life flashed before my eyes, as cliché as it sounds. I was overwhelmed with panic. In an instant I knew I didn't want to lose my marriage, but I also knew it was too late.

I called the OM and told him I'd been caught. I then called my mother and told her I was probably getting divorced because I'd had an affair. The first thing she said was, "You'd better fix it!" The second thing she said was, "I wanted to be a grandmother so bad!"

I stayed with friends that night (XH didn't come home and wouldn't answer his phone, and I didn't want him to think I'd gone to the OM's house) and we didn't speak until the next day. He had already decided he wanted a D. At first he said maybe we could R after going through with the divorce but he changed his mind the next month.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont care how it went down for me and my WH, but it was disclosure (after many suspicions).

Both are damaging and painful.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW disclosed to me. I had no clue. Honestly. No warning signs that I saw. She texted me from work that we needed to talk and we met for coffee. She then tells me she can't lie to me any longer and that she was seeing someone. Huh? Knock me over with a feather. In hindsight, I can't help but feel it would have been worse had I suspected it and then caught her. In that situation, I don't think R would be possible. She is a good wife. She just made some damned awful decisions and lost her way for a bit.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband found a spare cell phone that had my friend's number on it, and I had been leaving the house too much at odd times.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first three were kind of carried out right under his nose and not hidden. What I did was throwing up red flags, but we didn't know what an EA was till DDay on affair 4.

Affair 4 was confessed. My husband didn't suspect anything. I was exhibiting strange behaviors in the month prior to confession and while QS thought it was weird, he never suspected an A.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6048 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't how I will recover from discovering two - just taking it day by day and knowing I can leave at any time feels freeing and comforting. I've certainly grown and I don't want anything more negative to happen from his choices. Me leaving would affect me negatively, in many circumstances.
Lots to weigh!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4493 | Registered: Dec 2010
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first DDay I confessed but only because I had to. He had no idea but also traveled 300 days a year.

We rug swept, did what we felt we had to do, and then tried to move on. I thought I would just stop having an affair but didn't, started up again fully two months later, although really never ended.

Second DDay he discovered although he had suspected for a while it had continued. Found private messages I had sent to someone trying to figure out how to fix my shambles of a life. Totally broke him, which broke me finally. I had also started with a new therapist shortly before that who was finally helping me unlike the first one I had.

There is no 'worse or better' for a betrayed spouse. Both are horrible.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 1:28 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H thought I discovered, but I was clueless -- even after google autofilled his secret email address with his and his APs name smushed together as the address. (She was a friend - I just thought, "why does it keep saying "WHOW@gmail.com" when I type in "WH?")

He panicked and called me and confessed - while I was driving!! He said he had a strong feeling it was going to come out that week. I couldn't even have imagined such a horrible thing, so I was clueless.

But, this is possibly worse - we were all friends, and when OW told OBS, he laughed; he thought it was a joke.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I discovered both. The first time he accidentally sent me a text meant for her. Of course she was "just a friend". A couple of weeks later I checked his phone and found texts that made it obvious she was not just a friend! He promised never to talk to her again. We sorta broke up for a couple of days and when we got back together he admitted he contacted her to ask what he should do because he loved me soooo much. He recently confessed he actually talked to her about anal sex right before he came over and he didn't stop talking to her for 4 more months after that. He even met her somewhere and they "pecked" on the lips.

Second time I came across Facebook conversations between him and two female coworkers. Nothing horrible but borderline inappropriate. I checked later and they were deleted. So I started watching his activity. He began flirting heavily with another coworker. After two days of conversations with sexual innuendos and some mild cyber sexing I confronted him. Again he claimed it was all harmless.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 1:50 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't confess per se -my BS found all my emails between me and FOM and read them I think in one long sitting. I had swiss cheese boundaries, so upon being confronted I sat there "confused" as to why this long stream of emotionally intimate, caring, overly friendly, reminiscent emails should cause my BS so much distress. I did a lot of "but we're just friends!" and "friends are allowed to talk about these things" and (horribly) "but I've known him even longer than I've known you, so we have the RIGHT to keep our intimacy on a level it was before I married you!" and other such things.

It was about that time I found SI and posted my 'confusion' here on WS forum and soon after was schooled in marital boundaries and EAs.

I confessed a lot over the next month or two. It was what I did not confess that made things 100 times worse. I lied "to save my BS's feelings" about various things about FOM, our former relationship, my feelings and other intimate details. BS found out many of these things on his own and was livid. And heartbroken.

At the time I think I honestly thought I was holding back for my BH's sake. Only after the fog lifted and some serious IC did I see I was holding back the truth to make things more comfortable for me, and to keep something in reserve, some trick up my sleeve maybe. And that the fact that I was holding back, and the things I was holding back, were huge indications about my lack of marital boundaries and the way I manipulated men, either to get attention (OM) or to keep myself on a pedestal (BS).

In my case I was so foggy and so in my own head and my own issues that I don't think I could even have seen the right path. It's not that I saw the right path and didn't take it - though there was a lot of that, I admit - but that some of the right behaviors I couldn't even see. I had to grow into them, learn them. That process was a vulnerable time in our marriage. my BS could easily have checked out, but he stuck it out. He later had his own affair but he and I both really feel like that was something separate from mine, not caused by my lack of boundaries but more reflective of his own different issues.


Posts: 3183 | Registered: Mar 2005
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was caught. My H had found some notes the OM had written to me. The ironic thing in my situation is my H never would have found them if I hadn't thrown them away. I was caught because I was trying to cover my ass. After a month of (mild?) TT, I confessed to things I very well could have kept my H in the dark about. So I guess in my case, it was both busted and confessed.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5859 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first three were kind of carried out right under his nose and not hidden. What I did was throwing up red flags, but we didn't know what an EA was till DDay on affair 4.

ICR to Aubrie's comment, and I could have written something very similar to Circe's 1st paragraph.

I didn't know what an EA was till coming here. I had several variations especially one in particular. It wasn't till after my husband's affair and coming to SI that I could see that. I didn't cross the line I had of what was right and wrong in my mind, which made it acceptable. I didn't know what boundaries were let alone that mine were terrible. Or that being a KISA was a bad thing, or some of the other multitude of wayward traits I had, or that my line in the sand of right and wrong was a long way from respectful on any count. Another reason I'm thankful for SI.

My husband confessed to having an affair. What he confessed to was a complete fabrication. I found a receipt and that's when he started to confess to things that had any truth to it.


Growing forward

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Sep 2011
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not lucky enough to come clean on my own. There were SO MANY chances, SO MANY lost opportunities to tell my husband the truth. But I justified it (the first time) with thinking it was over, out of my system, that I had learned. So naive was I.

When he confronted me over #5 (yes the number makes me sick every time) I clearly trickled out the truth. Slowly. I denied and denied and denied. Then I admitted an emotion affair, but of course it was so much more. For two weeks I pretended it was nothing more. Then I admitted it was physical. But, it still took two months for me to disclose the rest of the story. 1 purely EA (which I still struggle with defining that way) and 4 mixed. Not to mention countless inappropriate "friendships." I was discovered through my cell phone use.

It is absolutely true that I was afraid. I was afraid of the consequences (and many of my worst case scenarios have come true), and afraid of the hurt because as more truth was told more pain was felt. My BH was wrong when he said it couldn't hurt any more, because he hurt more and more with every confession I made. I think we are past that point, but every new detail he requests seems to trigger the depths of the hurt again. It still frightens me, but I am trying VERY hard to push through.

As I've said before, I know that I've done everything the wrong way. It's why I'm here. It's why I post. I'm trying, and need lots of guidance. I can't trust my own judgment right now, so I trust you all to help.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies. I know that just the act of telling our stories helps in the understanding and the healing. The different perspectives let us know that we are not alone and that each of us carry our burdens in our own way.

Wayflost:

"As I've said before, I know that I've done everything the wrong way. It's why I'm here. It's why I post. I'm trying, and need lots of guidance. I can't trust my own judgment right now, so I trust you all to help."

We have all made poor choices. It is a struggle to recover our sense of self and honesty. But like you have said - it is why we are here, why we post. Why can't you trust your own judgement? I have that fear too. For the longest time I relied on other people to make choices for me. I gave away the right to make choices thinking it was too much of a burden, also because I needed approval so badly that making others decide for me made me feel valued and accepted. I was also afraid that if I offend people I would be abandoned. It helps me now when I can look at my past history this way. I tell myself that I need to take responsibility and know the reason why. We can change and be our good selves. Why can't trust your own judgement? Please give yourself a chance to be better. We just have to try somehow.

[This message edited by grains at 8:47 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH made a full blown confession - unsolicited.

The entire 3 months he was cheating there were red flags galore - my only defense for not seeing what was happening is that I had an infant daughter I needed to focus on.

I'm pretty sure that the fact that it was a confession and not a discovery is the largest part of why I chose to try and Reconcile. The honesty in the face of certain judgment and shame is the spark that kept me going.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:06 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16348 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here and i'd say ours was disclosure under duress i suppose! I was suspicious something was going on when wh was away from home working. My suspicions were aroused further once he was home. But, i never had any proof and he said nothing had happened. He and ow were emailing but even in those there was nothing to suggest anything sexual had happened between them or that they were anything more than friends. But it was odd how me and the kids were always referred to as 'the family' and i was never mentioned separately at all....

After two years i couldn't stand it anymore and kicked him out. It was then that he confessed.

Even though deep down i knew, it was still a devastating shock to have it confirmed. I was also relieved in a way, to know it wasn't me and that i wasn't imagining things. Wh, my mum and best friend had all said he would never do that to me making me think it was all in my head.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 25
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