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Wayward Side     Print Topic    
User Topic: Projection
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:49 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not realize that only support of BS's side of things was allowed here.

You're wrong. Because if what you say was true we wouldn't even have a WS forum.

I am sure I will get banned for my view that does not jive with the norm here

People don't get banned because they're views are different. People get banned for not following the very simple guidelines.

All that was asked of you from another Moderator is to stop arguing with members and threadjacking threads that aren't yours. It's not that hard and certainly doesn't have to be this dramatic.

If you want to heal and become a better person, that's great. But if you're here just to argue with everyone, well, than this probably isn't the place for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:05 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198436 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're new here. Due to your circumstances, I feel you are incredibly jaded towards any BS. That is proven by just about every comment you make. I've followed you since you've joined. You never have anything positive or even neutral about any BS. Every "bad" action from a BS is "abuse" to you and that's simply not the case Daisy. Not every BS is your BS. You can't seem to grasp that.

Not every BS is abusive. Are they incredibly hurt? Yes! And rightly so! Their world is reeling. And the anger, hurt, and frustration they experience is NORMAL! Not every BS swings punches, swears at their WS daily, picks fights "just because", locks them in closets, and beats them with chains. Mine didn't. And a host of other BSs here haven't.

I did not realize that only support of BS's side of things was allowed here.
This is utter crap. I'm a FWW. You know who the biggest supporters here have been? BS. You know who my best friend is? A BW. Betrayed spouses have loved and supported me, a lowly wayward, thru this process. I am living proof that your statement is completely incorrect.

I really hope you find some healing Daisy. My heart breaks for you.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, however I post in this forum quite a bit due to the insight I've gained, and a long long time ago before I was married, I was an OW.

I also responded to two of your posts because I was taken aback by your response.

The thing is Daisy, it appears to me by reading your posts that you're VERY angry and bitter. I get that I guess. You say you own your choices, yet at the same time you blame your husband in the next breath for EVERYTHING. You had a choice though, to leave the marriage LONG before you ever had an affair. You didn't, you chose to stay married and have an affair and now you resent the position that you are in.

Now, you're taking that anger, resentment and bitterness at your husband and PROJECTING it at other BS's here. That is why I took issue with a couple of your posts yesterday.

Here's the thing. Not every BS is an abusive asshole. Yes, sometimes a BS lashes out (God knows I have), but that is a TINY snippit of one interaction, and you're only getting one side of the situation. Then, what you're doing is only looking at that ONE post, not looking at the WS previous posts, or profiles to see the back story. People who have been here longer? We know their past, and understand WHY the BS may or may not have reacted a certain way. We're trying to give input to say "Hey, you may want to look at it from this point of view."

It's dismissive and entirely unhelpful to just blame the BS for triggering over a Facebook post, or to blame a BS because she's 6 years out and her WS has ADMITTEDLY done little in terms of R (and she's giving him one last chance) and you tell him to walk. Especially when you don't take the time to understand the history.

You're projecting your feelings about your marriage and basing the "advice" you're giving on that.

This place is a WONDERFUL site, this wayward forum has helped a lot of people, but only...if they want to be helped. I for one am grateful for it because it's helped me understand a lot about my wayward husband. People who have BTDT and have put in the hard work, they know their shit.

FWIW I've tried to be VERY supportive of the WS's in this forum. There are rules in place to protect the people who post in here. Many people have been kicked out of this forum because they could not get the concept.

I've always been one to speak my mind, but I'm respectful about it.

My husband had multiple affairs, 4 affair partners, a long term affair of 2 1/2 years. He was fired from his job for sexual harassment due to his behavior. I had two DDays a year apart, a year of false R, months of trickle truth. He was the one that was abusive to me in our marriage for years.

I stayed with him. I got him help from a psychologist and a therapist. He got into a 12 step group. He's been sexually sober for 16 months. I've never once abused him. I've never struck my husband, I've never thrown anything at him, I've never called him names in front of our children. We've never fought in front of our children.

Have I lashed out in anger? Yes. But I didn't want to have a marriage full of anger and hatred. Have I triggered? Yes. Have I cried a million tears? Yes. Have I felt emotionally detached and not wanted to be touched by him? Yes.

It's a part of the process. It gets better with time and healing and remorse from him.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 10:35 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has abused me, neglected me and treated me like I am just worthless.
First of all you are not worthless and the way he treated you whether before or after Dday isn't right. No ONE deserves to be abused. I am a BH and my response to the qouted statement is if your BH has done these things to you and can't or won't try to get any help then you should D him. There have been BS's that have come to SI saying they hit, verbally abused, intentionally mistreated their spouse and they get 2X4'd as well.

There are many BS's here that provide just as much support for the WS's as we do the BS's. We do it when we can because for some of us we did NOT have a remorseful WW. Also because some of the best advice and help I received was from FWS's on this site. I wish my WS had tried to focus on her issues but she didn't so I had to file. The WS's that come to SI and try to resolve there issues and own their shit are to be commended on taking those steps and will get my and many other BS's support. Yes they still have the hard work to do but at least they are trying.

So forgive me if I don't think acting like your spouse doesn't exist, or that WS don't deserve to be called filthy names in front of their kids, or that I think it is shitty to get upset when someone is unintentionally not deleted and blocked from Facebook.
I actually agree with you but the responses given to specific situations are based on the context of the thread. Is it close to Dday, is the WS remorseful or not, is the A over or not, is the BS being abusive to the WS, are their kids involved. While the situations can be similar each case is unique. Context is important because as you titled your thread many times people project their specific situation onto the topic at hand. The advice and subsequent discussion in threads is based on the information we are given by that specific thread starter. It's for them and not a reflection on any other member. Daisy I hope you stick around. This is a really good site to give and receive help. You take what applies and leave the rest.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:40 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:49 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The things we do don't make us horrible people, it is whether we cut out the cancerous growth within us or let it fester that make us healthy or unhealthy.

I'm considered a madhatter here. I reject the label not because it makes me a WS (uncomfortable, yes) but because it makes X a BS (that makes me livid).

What I've learned on these boards is that there are BIG answers in the responses or threads that make you angry.

Nobody here is going to tell you you need to stay in an unhappy marriage or that you are a horrible person for being a WS.

They are also not going to tell you (or me) that X deserved it, had it coming or that you were entitled to have affairs.

Not.Going.To.Happen.

They do none of this as advocates for your BS but as advocates for you.

There are a few sayings around here.

Own your shit.

Carry your own damn water.

I was in a horrible M for years. That's not what led me to the choices that have me considered a madhatter here. It felt 'better' to tell myself that it did but in truth it was keeping me sick.

As my favourite poster in the forum used to say "being a BS doesn't give you a cape" (I miss you, UO).

Neither does being a WS who claims to have been pushed or forced into becoming a WS because of the action or inaction of their BS.

This is not a place where people who feel entitled to have affairs will feel comfortable. This is a place where you can learn to own your shit. Where you will be called out for bullshit. Where hardwired self-talk and compartmentalising "Wayward Thinking" is blown apart leaving you with the raw and ugly truth.

I'm not ready to face it either. So I focus on the things I AM ready to face and post in those threads.

Some of the most healed and healthy people on these boards belong to this forum. None of the healed and healthy WS or BS are in abusive relationships where they are being neglected and treated like they are worthless.

Lots of us BS go on to continue our disastrous relationships with our WS and even new relationships with the same toxicity as our cheating spouses except without the cheating.

Being abused doesn't give you the right to abuse. Not him, not yourself.

I hope you keep reading and keep posting - the guidelines are there because we are all in enormously ugly places at different times and this place would be a clusterfuck without them.

Disagreeing is one thing - thinking your unhealthy views are going to go unchallenged is a whole other thing. Chucking tantrums in other people's threads to make your own point isn't what this place is about.

I've been there. I posted in a "WS's deserve to be cheated on" thread saying he SOOO did and had my arse served to me by my beloved UO quoted above. I was angry about at the time and for some time afterwards. I still had those views but stopped posting about them because the 2x4s were making me angry. I didn't like my strongly held views challenged.

There were BIG answers in that thread that TBH I'm still not quite ready to shine a torch on. I will get there. I have other stuff to get through first.

Take the torch off him, what he did to you and what you did to him. Shine it on what you did to you. The truth is you did and will continue to do far more damage to you than he could ever do.

Damage you do. To You.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy, maybe when you can get over your need for attention and wanting to be viewed as a martyr or victim you can start on your road to healing. It's not helping you to want to be seen that way. There is a difference between being a victim and acting like one.

If you think having an affair because you were 'wanting love and affection' makes you better or special -- it's doesn't. It's not a more noble reason than any other. And you don't have the market cornered on being neglected or abused. LOTS of BS experienced that too and THEN were cheated on and lied to. Ain't that a kick in the head. They get angry. To heal they eventually have to get passed that anger or it will eat them alive and it is hard work.

It's not about only supporting the BS's side of things it's that your posts have shown YOU don't have the first clue of what a BS is thinking or feeling or why that is, so I haven't understood why you assume you do. Or why you've had this incessant need to voice it, other than to stir up drama and garner attention for yourself. So much so, that I hesitate to post on this thread and give you that attention you seem to be craving.

You are in a very unhealthy bitter and angry place. Start looking at yourself deeply and why you behave the way you do. Start with why did you post this? It has nothing to do with how your husband treated you. You have a lot of things to work on. I wish you luck with your healing.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been BS's that have come to SI saying they hit, verbally abused, intentionally mistreated their spouse and they get 2X4'd as well.
Hell yeah they do! T

There are many BS's here that provide just as much support for the WS's as we do the BS's. We do it when we can because for some of us we did NOT have a remorseful WW.
Yo, right here!

There was another WS on SI whose M was horrible. The BS was a real piece of work. She had remorse over the A because it was a betrayal of her own values. Another WS described it as "light physical abuse". I lost count of how many BS and WS alike jumped in saying that no abuse was acceptable and that she needed to ensure she was safe. For me personally I feel an abusive M is a game changer. Does it justify an A? No, but for different reasons. In a more "typical" M then the A is a destructive coping mechanism and can only serve to make any pre-A problems in the M that much more difficult to fix. It devastates the BS and the fallout is horrendous. The WS on SI can attest to that.
I agree just as vehemently that having an A is wrong in an abusive M too. Why? Because in abusive relationship the focus needs to be on getting the abuse to end, which my personal preference is for the abused to get out. Having an A complicates that and there have been abused WS on SI who stayed in the M because they then felt guilty. They felt their own wrongdoings almost obligated them to stay and fix it.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking for attorneys today. I know one will see me free the first time.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:49 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just burns my ass to see a person trying so hard and still gets cut down, by the BS.

But whatever. If they think it is mentally healthy thing to do, then who am I to judge.

But you DO judge. Almost every post of yours is judgmental and just down right mean.

I think it would be better served if you reminded yourself that not one BS here is your BS. People are reaching out for support and help, what they don't need is someone coming in and knocking them around even more.

I guess that I will simply read and not comment unless it is more positive.

That's your choice, however, you're confusing being polite with being positive.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198436 | Registered: May 2002
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse me.

What I am saying is that WHO AM I TO JUDGE? Now, in the present, not in the past or former posts. I see what you are saying. I get it, okay? Is that clear enough?

And I equate positive with polite, so excuse me once again. As far as polite, is not better not say anything at all if you cannot say something nice?


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't need attention. I am used to getting none from the husband.
You don't need it, but do you want it? If you truly didn't "need" attention, you may not have chosen to cheat. Many WS justify their As because they "needed" attention. Do you know why you had an affair? What your "whys" are?

I don't have to be his victim or his whipping boy any longer.
Nobody is saying you do.

I guess that I will simply read and not comment unless it is more positive.
This ^^^ screams victimy mentality. You got called to the rug for your statements and now you're retreating. And I get it. Sucks to be called out. But do you recognize that people do it not to punish you, but to help you?

It just burns my ass to see a person trying so hard and still gets cut down, by the BS To see that a grown person will act like the spouse does not exist.
Do you realize that the WS story is only half of the whole story? Do you not see that a BS has the "right" to decide the A is a deal breaker? That the person you are talking about is only three months post Dday? Most BS can barely get out of bed and see straight at three months out. Doesn't matter if the WS is walkin' on water. The BS has to work thru their pain and confusion. And it take a heck of a lot longer than three months.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy...

I'm really sorry for all that you've been through, but none of us are going to take the projection and anger you've been dealing out.

I can only hope you don't actually talk to people in real life like you do here, because honestly, you're going to pop off at the wrong person and get the shit kicked out of you one day.

All this was brought on because a Moderator asked you to stop t/jing and projecting...do you not see how you dug yourself into this position?

I'm done engaging with you, because all you want to do is fight...that's not my thing.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198436 | Registered: May 2002
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, I totally get it. I just don't agree with acting like your spouse and co parent, does not exist. That is living in lala land and unrealistic for a long term solution, and you know it. I don't agree that a BS has the right to abuse and neither do you.

But I have JUST said, if you will re-read, that I will no longer post if I cannot be totally positive and polite. That is not a retreat. That is not chicken shit. That is just me showing that I have manners, even if I don't always show it.

Get it now? Thank you.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:49 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't agree with acting like your spouse and co parent, does not exist. That is living in lala land and unrealistic for a long term solution, and you know it.
For the "long term", you're right. But this is new and fresh. And it takes TIME to find sure footing again. You don't agree with their process. That's fine. It's different to project your anger. THAT was the point of the Mods.

Get it now? Thank you.
You started this thread, not me. I'm just pointing stuff out. We kinda do that in the Wayward Forum.

If you wanted to stop posting and just lurk, you could have done so quietly without throwing a tantrum the equivalent of my 5 year old.

Daisy, you will forever be lost till you understand the concept of "ownership".

You know the WS that a couple people have mentioned upthread? UO? She was a WW. Her life was HELL.

Her mother was physically abusive. She was sexually abused in her childhood. She got married. Had a couple kids. One child died. Her husband was physically and sexually abusive. He raped her. He beat her. She cheated. You know what? She never pulled the "Poor wittle meeeee" thing. She owned her actions. She didn't condone her BS's actions at all. Actually divorced him and co-parents with him like a champ as her boys are still very young. She is a huge advocate for victims of abuse. But she pulled no punches about owning her own wayward actions.

I fucking hate myself, and I wish to hell I had died instead of my mother. Obviously my husband, kids and everyone else would be better off. God made a mistake when He was stupid enough to make me.

Happy now?

Do you actually feel that way or is this part of your tantrum? The real question is, are you happy now? I don't think you are. I think you are incredibly hurt, scared, and broken. I think you hide all that behind your anger. You hide behind your passive-aggressive comments.

Daisy, if you want help, it's here. Thing is, you need to learn to drop the defenses. Loose the wall you have built up around yourself. Nobody here wants to hurt you. I'm serious. They want to help you. But you have to be willing to accept it. The good and the bad.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has abused me, neglected me and treated me like I am just worthless.
Mine also acted as if I didn't exist. It hurt like hell, I get it. I didn't have an affair, though.
***********************
Okay, forget this post, Daisy. I just read your two last posts. You absolutely "get" nothing. You are determined to be a victim. No, no one is happy that you are so miserable and I see many people here trying to reach out to you. Desperately trying to reach out to you for you to see things clearly.

I am so sorry, you need help, you need IC.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

,

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:48 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy...

That's it.

Knock off the sarcastic remarks and quit being so incredibly rude. Your entire demeanor has been positively awful towards the members here. People that have tried to help you and taken the time to show you they care. And in return...they get your replies dripping with sarcasm.

This is your last warning.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:51 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198436 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 23
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