No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.

Stop. Take a breath. You can get help here but not if you are deafened by your pain.

Am I right that he abused/is abusing you but it sounds like you still want R? That is a far more pressing issue than whether or not you were entitled to cheat or if that makes you a bad person.

If he is indeed an abuser he will use this to nail you to the wall. If it wasn't this it would be something else.

I saw it with my own parents. My mum never cheated but that didn't matter for all of the broken bones, internal injuries and bruises she got for just that. She says the punches were easier to take than the psychological abuse of hiding us from her for days on end, telling her he was going to sell us into the sex trade if she didn't do whatever the fuck thing he decided she had to do.

There is normal BS reaction (which can be abusive in the early days, yes) and then there is plain abuse. They are two completely different things, IMO.

You don't deserve to be abused no matter what you do/did. You do deserve to be divorced if you cheat and if it is a deal breaker for him.

He deserves to be divorced if he abuses. The abuse needs to be your deal breaker. Note that is not an "IF" it is an "NEEDS TO BE".

You get a choice too. You're not the bad one that needs to be punished. No punishment required - divorce if the cheating was a dealbreaker for him, divorce if he is an abuser. Full stop.

You cannot R with an abuser, whether WS or BS. You cannot be married to one. You cannot even have them in your space. Especially if you love them.

I suppose, like in my real life, that nothing I do or say will ever make a difference.

Daisy, this reminds me so much of my mom. Everything in the world is wrong, her life sucks, and nothing is of her doing. All completely out of her control.

It is hell to grow up with someone like that. She is so angry and bitter that my heart literally breaks for her. I know she was dealt a bad hand in childhood and was abused by her mom (my grandma). Instead of taking charge of the situation, though, she chooses to continue being a martyr and "woe is me" over her life. She has the means to get help, and work to get healthy, but she chooses not to. It is far easier to blame her plight on anyone or anything else but her or her actions.

As a grown child, I have had to work on my own boundaries with her as just being around her for a day is exhausting. I love her very much but I resent the fact she is so unhealthy voluntarily.

Daisy, I tell you this in hopes you will see how staying locked in this battle of "choices" can and will affect your children down the road. I am sure you are a good mom. My mom was too-until the hate and bitterness completely took over her heart.

Please know that I am rooting for you to get healthy. To divorce, if that is what you want. To get help for the trauma you've suffered at your husbands abuse. And to recover from the self inflicted pain you've put upon yourself by your choices.

I wish you peace and health in your journey.