Daisy, You're in pain. For so many reasons. I can actually taste the bile in my mouth.
Stop. Take a breath. You can get help here but not if you are deafened by your pain.
Am I right that he abused/is abusing you but it sounds like you still want R? That is a far more pressing issue than whether or not you were entitled to cheat or if that makes you a bad person.
If he is indeed an abuser he will use this to nail you to the wall. If it wasn't this it would be something else.
I saw it with my own parents. My mum never cheated but that didn't matter for all of the broken bones, internal injuries and bruises she got for just that. She says the punches were easier to take than the psychological abuse of hiding us from her for days on end, telling her he was going to sell us into the sex trade if she didn't do whatever the fuck thing he decided she had to do.
There is normal BS reaction (which can be abusive in the early days, yes) and then there is plain abuse. They are two completely different things, IMO.
You don't deserve to be abused no matter what you do/did. You do deserve to be divorced if you cheat and if it is a deal breaker for him.
He deserves to be divorced if he abuses. The abuse needs to be your deal breaker. Note that is not an "IF" it is an "NEEDS TO BE".
You get a choice too. You're not the bad one that needs to be punished. No punishment required - divorce if the cheating was a dealbreaker for him, divorce if he is an abuser. Full stop.
You cannot R with an abuser, whether WS or BS. You cannot be married to one. You cannot even have them in your space. Especially if you love them.