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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Yet another tale
Matt159888
♂ New Member
Member # 41944
Frustrated  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well what a xmas gift that was. Hi may name is Matt and i ahve been with my wife for 11 years married nearly 9. I am 39 she is 41 and we have had a good time together and have a son together 9 and i have a great step son now 21. I knew sometime was going on she became distant and didnt want any physical contact and stopped saying she loved me. I was all a bit weird when i questioned her about it she would become really defensive and snap saying i was being stupid etc etc. I knew she was friends with a good friend of hers ex husband who i know well and they would sometimes have a drink he was going through a hard time with his split up and needed a friend. they would have a drink once a month and he would text her from time to time i never minded i trusted my wife. Then after a night out she came home and said he had been a bit clingy and a bit lovey with her. I said i understood and said she should distance herself a little not to confuse him i wasnt mad he was lonely and i trusted my wife. That was end of October and things seemed ok. The thing that played on my mind was she said he never text anymore i said why wouldnt he was there something she hadnt told me or surely he would have said hello they were friends remember. Well i suspected things lots of little things the changes in her attitude to me etc. Roll forward to December 27th i had had a row with wife and while she put my son to bed i took her phone off her as i paid the bill it was my phone and she wasnt happy but couldnt say much she stormed upstairs. She always had her phone locked and i tried to get into it but couldnt do. then i remembered she had had to reset the phone as it was playing up so tried the standard 1234 presto i was in. A quick look in her messages showed she had flirted with a family friend the messages were that day and the first was a pic of his manhood in a excited state!. She made some rude remarks as did he asking for more pics of her. I straight away called her down and the row that came wasnt nice and i then looked into her facebook which was logged on her phone needing no password i saw her face i knew she was worried sure enough in the messages there were the chats with her friend going back weeks calling me telling him she loved him and that they should meet soon even discussing where to by a house together. I went crazy and we had a proper row screaming tears everything i rung him told him i was going to rip him a new part of his anatomy you know the stuff. Anyway few days on we talked it over and she says he was nothing that it just went too far from a bit of fun and had sex twice though both times he was less than god. I dont know if that is what she thinks i want to hear or truth. the other guy with the pics she says was just a laugh and nothing had ever happeneed before etc and to be fair i know my wife is a flirt and a bit naughty just i trusted her. She says its over i have spoke to the friend and warned him off i am pretty sure he got the message. She is trying very hard now to put us right we have shared our bed together and life is brilliant in someways. I think she is being truthfull that she wants me and i feel the effort she is putting in its just i am so hurt. I feel my heart has been ripped out and i am sooo low. I have lost all trust in her and i keep just thinking over and over about the meets they had adding my own bits and forming pictures. I have asked all the details i wanted to know not sure if that helped or made it worse but i had to ask some. Now i just dont know if we can rebuild this. When we are together i seem to be better but apart my mind wanders and sleep is no friend of mine anymore. I have a lot of problems in my life right now with my health which hopefully was on track now this how could she while i was down. I just want to rewind time but i cant its killing me . I have looked at some flats and am thinking of moving out for a while to clear my head but she begs me to stay i dont know can this work have many guys on here made it work?. Thanks for listening everyone sorry about the spelling typing not my strong point! Thanks Matt

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kingdom
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife seems remarkably casual about this; an affair that went a little too far and we had sex twice [read, thats what I'm admitting too], and lets move on. I would assume they had sex more than twice and it was good sex; don't let her placate you with TT.

Moving out for a while sounds like a very good idea. Your wife needs to develop some appreciation for her marriage and respect for you Carrying on with her intended rug-sweeping bodes ill for the future.
Your WW is also using sex as a reconciliation aid. Give you all you can handle and she can brush her betrayal under the carpet and get things back to normal as fast as possible. Of course the OM was a disappointing lover, not up to your standards. Anything to get this monkey off her back.


Posts: 1695 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Matt159888
♂ New Member
Member # 41944
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats what worries me just the two times. Sadly i kind of believe her and i just dont know if i am being a idiot and looking for the best in her still or if i am seeing an honest mistake if you excuse the pun. I know the pain is real and the hell of a emotional whirlwind that has ripped my heart out is real. Bottom line is i love her so much and i trusted her 100% thats why its so hard to accept!

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kingdom
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Matt, sorry you are here, and at the same time you couldn't have come to a better place! The people here are brilliant!

No more snogging until things are settled between you both. It feels great but muddies the waters!

Do a 180 and move out if that feels right to you. You need some things from your WW, 1) NC with the OM .. 2) full access to all electronics / social media / etc. .. 3) IC for both of you, and MC together.

That's the advice I was given when I first found out about my STBX's wandering ways. Is the step-son from a previous marriage? Why did that marriage end? Do you speak to her Ex at all? May be interesting to have a chat with him, if he's amenable.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Matt159888
♂ New Member
Member # 41944
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes from her previous marriage and we are good friends as is she and him. he is a good bloke they were not right together so went their seperate ways but all friends. Thanks everyone for the warm welcome just talking is great it helps. Most of my close friends live away and chatting isnt easy i still have the same burning question why??????. I ask her the same things over and over again to try for closure but she says she regrets it and wants to turn back the clock but doesnt know why she did it and wishes she never had. I am so confused and hurt!

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kingdom
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wants to turn back the clock but doesnt know why she did it

How can you heal and begin to forgive without this question being answered? Your wife is essentially admitting that this could occur again since she doesn't know why it happened in the first place!
Will you spend your entire marriage waiting for the next bout of adultery? Watching and monitoring her very action?

Thats why you cannot let her rugsweep this cheating. As she goes through life men will hit upon her frequently. Is she going to resist these temptations, or start an affair? You don't know and neither does she, because she cannot define why she cheated this last time.

There must be consequences for her betrayal. Its up to you to put your vulnerability, [excessive love for your wife], to one side and decide what you need to do. You cannot afford to be so closely connected to a person who may very well hurt you again. Grow a thicker skin and emotionally pull away, for your own sake. Intense love is very rewarding if you can fully trust your partner, and you can't.


Posts: 1695 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Matt159888
♂ New Member
Member # 41944
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think i need to take some time and think about this i guess. I do love her and dont want to end us but i have to know why and know its the only time it will happen. I can take the pain but will i ever trust her. The special bond is broken and i just dont know where we go from here. I would love to believe her and want to move on now just can we?. Dam this hurts and is so hard .

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kingdom
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you can get your wife to post on SI; get some help in defining why she betrayed you and your marriage.

Sometimes the WS can be very evasive in defining why they cheated because of fear that the BS might not like the explanation. If she has lost respect for you as a man for instance, how do you phrase that? If she is no longer physically attracted to you, how do you explain that? Getting the truth means you can adjust and fine-tune your marriage; if she feels she cannot tell why she committed adultery then it puts the marriage in dire peril. Without trust its a doomed relationship.


Posts: 1695 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man I'm not the best one for advice but I think you are being way to passive about this. This shit is major and life altering. Hold her feet to the fire brother and take control the best you can.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 554 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Matt,

A woman doesn't discuss moving out, and buying a home with some guy she's only had sex with "a couple of times."
You read the messages - Your WW (wayward wife) was telling this guy (who is supposed to be your friend, too)-- that she loved him.

You need to remember: Your WW didn't come to you and "confess" because she felt guilty and she wanted to work on the marriage: YOU CAUGHT HER RED-HANDED!

THEN, add in the fact she's collecting photos of of another man's penis on Facebook? This woman has serious problems/issues...and it goes way beyond her being a bit "naughty...and fun" in my opinion.

What exactly is you wife doing to FIX THIS MESS she's made of your marriage?
---Has she sent these MEN NO CONTACT LETTERS telling them her adulterous affairs are over...and that they are never to contact her again?
---Has she started counseling/therapy to figure out WHY she behaves this way?
---Is she being totally transparent: Do you have access to her phones/text/computer SO you can verify she's not in contact with these men?

Take care of yourself and your health issues, OK?
Is


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ineedtoleave
♀ Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Matt159888))).... I'm so glad you found this site- talking here helped me get through this awful experience... I just want to touch on why I don't have that burning question of WHY he did it.... I am convinced that it was just because it was fun... no thought of 'us', just thinking of how fun and exciting it is to start a hot new relationship with all the flirting and lust that goes along with it. Very self-serving. I'm just not built like that. He is. Simple answer in my book. That's why it's so hard for 'them' to explain. There's no satisfaction for this real answer for the BS.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 956 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mat. Sorry your here. My advice is to not make any decisions yet. You are probably in shock. I know I was when I found out. Read everything you can in the healing library in the top left corner. I too trusted my wife 100%. I wasn't just confident I was cocky. I gave myself 6 months before I decided to separate. I always said that it would be a deal breaker but was so fucked up it took a while to process it. Take your time to process what happened to you. My wife was not remorseful and her words didn't match her actions. Looking back on it I believe she took it underground and was still fucking her AP.

It's been over a year and a half since I found out and I'm just starting to feel better. I don't cry all the time anymore and can talk about what happened to me without crying. Best thing to do is to feel your emotions. The only way out is through, not around. Know this, you will get through this. You are about to build character you never thought possible. When you come out the other side you will be stronger that ever.
Glad you found us.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Matt159888
♂ New Member
Member # 41944
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the comments and replys. She has ended al ties with the men and i have confronted them and made it quite clear if they so much as look at the wife again etc and i am quite a big guy and they seem to have backed right off. the facebook is cancelled and the phone i pad etc has no locks on and she openly gives me her phone etc whenever i ask for it though i try not to as i dont want to live that way. I believe you dont own anyone and they should be with you because they want to and have always lived that way. I think our home life was a bit boring maybe and she sort excitement she says once she had the excitement and attention she wanted to end it. She said it was the thrill and the comfort she sort. I have never ruled her with a rod of iron and have never stopped her doing anything from weekends with girls holidays etc i am not jealous etc and believed she simple would be with me cause she wanted to. But now i am really hurt if i wasnt for her hey we could have talked everybody should live their life and i would be hurt but would have accepted it ,but to mess around. The sex side doesnt hurt me all that much compared to the lies and sneaking. The texts to him while we were together and the dashing to see him while i was at work. Her favourite was to go shopping and he would meet her and have half hour here and there. It hasnt been going on long at all she was caught very early but the love and all that is crazy. She says it just went too far and her messages towards the end were all talk and any asks of a meet were met with cant today so i believe she was trying to end it. She openly admits she wanted to end it before it hurt us so would never had told me. Dont know if thats better or worse i guess. Bottom line is i still bloody love her with all my heart i do wish i could turn those feeling off and walk away but i cant just dont know if this will ever work again and if so in what format. I can never trust her again and will always have my doubts and dont want to live that way. But can you ever trust anyone ever again????

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kingdom
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand your wife being bored with married life and married sex; also craving excitement and romantic fantasy. However you are failing to realize that she has little respect for you to make the decision go ahead and cheat; therein lies the problem. She has value and respect for the marriage, with all its protection, security and companionship but none for you, or she wouldn't have committed adultery and gotten infatuated with the OM.

You can't make her put a value on you even if she is sorry for the pain of her affair. Its connected with just what she respects about the men she's romantically and sexually attracted to. You don't have those 'attributes' even though you are decent and moral. I knew a girl once who had little to offer in terms of looks or education, but she was convinced she deserved a doctor or a lawyer as a lover/husband. She cheated on her BS, got divorced and ended up alone. The point is she had no respect for a very good husband, because he didn't have the 'qualities' she used as a criterion for respect.

Your wife in spite of her remorse isn't going to change her overall value of you, which is sadly low. So pull away and stop loving so much. When she cheats again you will be better prepared to handle the pain and take appropriate action.
If someone shows you that you have little status in their eyes, you cannot afford to give them the love you formerly gave. Put walls around yourself, in preparation for the next time your wife looks for romantic fantasy.

Your WW may very well get bored again and seek excitement with a new lover. Some people just can't handle the stress and routine of everyday life and need romantic escapes.


Posts: 1695 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threatening the other men is useless. They are not the problem. Your cheating partner is the problem. If she had any respect for you she would have turned down their advances. If its not these men, then its other men a couple of months down the line.

Therefore you need to establish consequences for her cheating.

1) You have every right to ask your wife to move out of the bedroom. Tell her that you are seriously considering whether or not you want to remain in the marriage.
2) She gives you a written timeline of everything including identities.
3) Expose these men by contacting their girlfriends/wives
4) Threaten a polygraph. If she immediately resists then you know there is more to the story.

It is OK to be scared/emotional etc. However, you now have to find out what is best for YOU.

Employ 180 for the time being. Good Luck.



Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
Matt159888
♂ New Member
Member # 41944
Wink  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am taken back by all the advise and kind words on here. The nicest thing in a strange way is that i am not alone and many people on here are just like me. I have had men and women contact me and some were the ws its really helped me no end. I will never trust my wife the same and somehow the magic isnt the same and wonder if it ever will. But i really love her and i genuinely think she does me and is so ashamed. She has given me all the details which while hurt put it in the open showed me conversations and messages and i while hurt from them feel i have also got all the details to make the decision. I will try as it was a commitment i made for better for worse when i married her and i will try to hang in here. She broke the vows but we have a young son and i have a great step son and i think that i owe it to them to try. It will be on my terms and i will take all the advise and enforce rules and compromise in the areas like facebook and phones etc giving me access 24/7. I owe it to myself and the kids to make this work or at least try. Maybe i am a fool or maybe i am a dreamer but i am not ready to give in just yet!. I will keep you posted and stay in touch i love all the support you guys have given me thanks to you all and i hope you all find peace too!. God bless Matt

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kingdom
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