I am however, an excellent father and more in love with my children than my own happiness. From the mother stand point she is good, even during the A she took care of their physical needs. Maybe missed the mark on their emotional needs. If there were no kids involved I am pretty sure I would be a single man right now, but I won't allow her to take my kids from me. IF, I divorced I would end up becoming the weekend dad and she would be the full time example to my children. That is completely unacceptable as the A was the example she has already set. That it is ok, to lie, cheat, and deceive. I will not have my daughter grows up without a positive male role model, nor my son with any one else teaching him to grow up and do the right thing. I can already hear many of you, the kids can tell, they would be better off. That can't be the answer... I feel like a hostage in my own life, to do what is right for my kids and my own happiness I must suffer through whatever WS wants to give me.
I keep getting the: "Aren't I doing things better!" "Why won't you accept my reason why I had the A." I guess if I felt like I had the truth, maybe it would make a difference. After DDay I was drowned in TT, with many " I swear on the life of my kids that is it!" Only to get slapped in the face again with more TT. Every holiday is Fing horrible, I get to sit and think, oh this time last year it was with him. Then she doesn't seem to get why I am depressed. I gave up on our MC, she was obviously not on my side, but she is helping WS with A LOT of individual shit. I mentioned me finding my own IC only to have the MC said that might be a good ideal as all I was looking for was someone to agree with me. Now mind you I am the one who sought out the MC to start with. Not my WS. I feel too often I am doing all the work to fix this and she is just sitting back and enjoying the ride. I didn't want to mess up my kids Xmas so I have just kept quiet. Hostage again!!!
Do any other fathers/ BS feel like this?
Sorry if I sound like I am whining. Been holding on to this for a while.
Not a father, but a divorced BS. I think feeling like a hostage is part and parcel of being a parent and going thru this mess. Especially if you care about what example your kids are learning from.
I think we are still processing the information and our thoughts at this stage. I think it is okay for now to stay and see how your relationship progresses. You don't have to make any decisions, you can just watch her actions and work on you. It is hard, because when you have kids, you don't get any downtime or cannot separate without any consequences for the kids.
With that being said, find an IC asap for you because we need our own space and support. Maybe your wife can keep the MC as her IC and you can even find a different MC for both of you.
I am concerned that you don't feel like you have the truth yet, as that will delay any progress for both of you. Did she do a timeline? What else is she doing? I think they "why's" take their own time, as it starts out pretty broad in the beginning and gets narrowed as MC and IC continues.
I get the hostage/stuck feeling, as I think I would have left as well if we didn't have kids. I have told WH that if we D, he cannot date until our oldest has graduated high school. (As if I have any control!) My fear is that my kids will be exposed to the flooseys he decided to date. He will either:
1) date someone who doesn't want his kids around,
2) someone that wants kids of their own, therefore, focusing on his "new family" or
3) dating someone who has kids, therefore, getting his attention.
Just the thought of my kids having a step mom and being second or third priority, makes me hang in to see where this ride takes us.
In short, we are stuck at this moment, but take that time to work on you, heal, and be a great dad.
I don't have it in my bio. Hell I don't have a bio. It was supposedly and EA online. But OP only lived four hours away and I travel out of the country for work regularly. In truth it was PA, she just doesn't she it that way. To her phone sex and naked pictures wasn't PA. Did I mention the phone sex was in our bedroom. I don't even know for SURE exactly how long it went on. The OP died of a massive heart attack, after she had ended the A, but not contact. This was all through a on line game called Second Life. I researched cell records as far back as I could, it went on for at least a year. Even after I asked, she just lied to my face. So no I don't think I know the whole truth, but if it is the truth she is doing her R part, I just don't think it will ever really be good again. Question. What is good, how do I DO my life for the next 14 years ( I have a 4 year old)?
Hostage doesn't do justice to how I feel. I fight the urge everyday to "get even". Don't know how I would as I am an honest man and hold myself to a higher standard.
Just want to scream!!!!
And the MC we went to didn't even talk about the affair, just kept saying he could save the marriage. Biggest rugsweeper ever. After one session of listening to her rattle on for 2 hours about all the injustice in the world, I got in 5 minutes of, "she seduced me, threatened to call the cops and scream rape, then taunted me to try to hit her, then blamed the divorce on my son, then called her daughter a whore and told her no one loved her. I think the wrong person talked here for 2 hours." Didn't go back to MC after that. I wasn't safe there. He didn't have to completely have my perspective, but he did need to have my back. He'd been in the business for 40 years, he should have known better. My ex was trying every avenue to get me to be the bad guy, if I hit her, or she got to call the cops, it was my fault. She's insane, and I'm much happier on my own...I miss companionship sure, but I don't miss HER companionship. And I filed for divorce on her, pushed her hard, and now we have shared custody. I get the kids 15 days a month and so does she, based on work schedules. It's possible to divorce and not just be a weekend dad. Get to a lawyer. She had an affair, she obviously isn't going to win any popularity contests with the judge...believe it.
And you do prove my point, that I've been making all along. Too many marriage counselors, preachers, programs, and even books rely on the BETRAYED to do all the work. And I do mean, ALL the work, particularly in the early stages, where all they can think of is sleeping and finding food that doesn't taste like chalk. The waywards get to la-de-da their way through fog, and trickle truth, more lies, more deception, thinking sex (which caused the problem) is all they need to do to fix the issue - and women are real bad about that - because they attach the stereotype that men just want one thing, sex, to their reconciliation, and bingo, we'll suddenly be happy with them. Nasty perverts don't realize sex is the issue that destroyed their marriage. You can't use that intimacy as your go to card when you obviously don't care who you give it to, or can keep your word.
BS's are supposed to hold their tongue, forgive, be patient, wait it out, work on the marriage, not die...blah blah blah. Friend of mine and I were talking. His older brother was so screwed up he had a heart attack and stroke from the stress. The guy is 49 years old. He refuses to talk to women. Says if he didn't have two daughters he'd never talk to another woman as long as he's alive. That's screwed up. He doesn't deserve it, yet he shouldered the burden for her affair, physically and mentally. Is it fair, no. Is it reality, yes. Which is all the more reason for MC's to spend the first 8 to 12 months talking about the affair and the affair only, and dealing totally with the betrayed spouses hurt. Moving forward can't happen while the BS is trying to claw his way out of a POW camp.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
So can you portray not just a healthy male role model but a good husband in a healthy marriage?
I started searching for an IC today. Not easy as I work an hour away from where I live. I will keep looking. I do think I need to talk to someone just to get it off my chest and rationally discuss it with a neutral party.
It obvious she cares, she just doesn't get it. I still think it's her job to fix it. She what she has to say when she gets home. First MC appointment after the holidays.
For me I need to understand the why, without it R is in trouble. It just sucks feeling like a hostage. I don't think my kids will notice if I just go along for the ride. There is no yelling, no screaming. We are putting up a good show for the kids, and I really think she thinks she is trying.
I am trying to make it better, but it's one day at a time.