Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: si2day (45443)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just Keeps Getting Worse
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So why is that? In the beginning there was crazy remorse, efforts to make me feel special, discussions, compassion, all of it...except total disclosure. The more information revealed the less remorse and the more anger as directed at me. So now, it is my fault. I deserved it. WS felt bad because I didn't give her what she needed when she asked, and her feelings are the reason she cheated...what?! So she specifically avoids saying it's my fault, but implies it's both my fault and I deserved it? This started just before I found out about the second one that was from two years ago. Ugh! I need to totally adopt the 180 at this point. I'm in so much pain right now. And her words are conflicting, too. We are separating and she's crying about not wanting our relationship to end, but telling me she's too angry at me for how I treated her our whole relationship to do what she needs to in order to help me heal. And everything she said about how she discovered things that contributed to misperceptions about what she thought about me and what I though and felt and did...gone. Now it's all my fault again. All 8 years are my fault. She begged me not to go, then decided she can't try and fix it. Ridiculous! Who else has dealt with that? What do you do? How do you do it? What happened?


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 727 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pp)))

In the beginning there was crazy remorse, efforts to make me feel special, discussions, compassion, all of it...except total disclosure.

No there wasn't remorse. Regret, maybe, and maybe only about getting caught.

she's too angry at me for how I treated her our whole relationship to do what she needs to in order to help me heal.

At the very worst, some of the relationship issues are yours. None of her decisions to be unfaithful are yours.

She begged me not to go, then decided she can't try and fix it.

One person alone cannot have R. If she can't try, it's over.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5182 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like she said "I'm sorry" and you're just supposed to forget about it now.

Her blameshifting is painfully common - please don't put any of what she did onto yourself.

I'm glad you're aware of the 180 - It's going to be really good for you once you get the hang of it. You get your strength and your control back. Don't be hard on yourself in the beginning - nobody executes it perfectly.

Sending big hugs.

(((peoplepleaser)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17890 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support and empowering words. Do the WS usually end up feeling remorse or do the usually walk?


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 727 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That depends on the WS. Some don't feel remorse but don't walk either, like mine it seems.

Sorry you are going through this. I think it makes even harder when they seem willing to R one moment and then want to run away the next.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or when they aren't remorseful but they are gonna try to make it impossible for us to walk away..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:05 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why it's called crazymaking.

Very, very sorry for your pain!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.