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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Separating...in-house
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who else has done this? What were the circumstances? What worked and what didn't work so good? How did it turn out?

I'm in a bad position because I am finishing school and WS is supporting me. It's better financially for us to remain in the same house. And it's probably better for our son if we can remain cordial to each other. But it hurts. It implies that there might be hope for the relationship, even if there isn't. She says she can't breath without me, but isn't willing to do anything to try and fix it because I'm not willing to promise I will stay (TT for five months before second DDay of an affair two years prior--no truth told yet about the second one). In addition to staying, I would have to fix the damage I did to her in our relationship by expressing my love more openly and vulnerably...after two affairs with no real full disclosure! What?! How is any of this possible? But this post is about the in-house separation and I'm wondering what others' experiences are.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 560 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way to sugarcoat this...in-house S with an unremorseful WS can be hell but it is doable. I went through it for several months while my stbxww had her house built. In my case we had the PSA, property setttlement agreement in place already but official S which counted towards the waiting period for the D to be final couldn't start until she moved out. I survived with the 180, counting down the days, and trying to be out of the house as much as possible. I wasn't an asshole but I didn't interact much with WW either. I tried to avoid her whenever possible by staying busy myself.

I essentially came up with a plan and worked it. After work I went to the gym, I took the kids out, I avoided WW like the plague. I pretty much stopped talking to her and acted as if she was some stranger in the house that was renting a room. Near the end we started enacting the custody agreement which helped. By that I mean we had 50/50 custody so I handled all kids related stuff for a week then we swapped until she moved out.

With an unremorseful WS, I assumed the worse and planned for even worse. You don't have to allow your WS to hold you emotionally or financially hostage. You make a plan and start working it. How long before you finish school? Do you have any family that can help you out until then. Can you work part time or even full time and take a little longer to finish school? The reality is you will have to do all of this on your own eventually but there are programs out there for assistance. You may want to post in the D/S forum as well. Lots of knowledge and help down there as well.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
butterfly13
♀ New Member
Member # 41847
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you, people pleaser.

I was not strong enough to do in-house separation. My WH fought me for over month because he didn't want to leave the house, but just the sight of him made me want to vomit and was a constant trigger.

Eventually, he left and we agreed on a kids' schedule so they still have their Dad very present. Agree with the other post, best solution when both in the house is to avoid the WS like the plague.

NC with my WH has been the only way to calm my tears, but especially my anger.

And if your WS is not yet out of the fog or not yet remorseful, then best to avoid triggering at every instance by interacting with them.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but do agree with previous poster's advice.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 14 yrs
DS:9, DD:5
DDay: Aug '13 LTA

Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2013
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi peoplepleaser......It is hard, but is doable. I decided to kick my WH out one day when I had finally had enough and he had broken NC again! I ended up agreeing to let the ass move down to the basement long story as to why I did. He was refusing NC and totally not remorseful, seriously wanted to cake eat. I made sure that I avoided his space and he was not allowed in mine. I cooked only for myself and did only my own laundry. Told him he had to purchase his own groceries. I cleaned only the kitchen and MY living spaces. It is beneficial if you can seriously go hard 180 and speak only about essentials. frankly I refused to deal with him face to face, only via phone or email, written notes. It is also very helpful if you can show that you are moving on, go out with friends and make her babysit while you do, etc.

I ended up seeing a lawyer and drawing up initial divorce papers? This ended up shaking him out of his fog. We are dating from the same house now. I still won't deal with him face to face, he has to ask me out via phone and make all the arrangements, and no last minute garbage either because I am not that desperate!

Good luck


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

emotionalgirl,

I wish we could do all of that. With our child, we are maintaining family dinners, which means I cook, but we are both doing our own laundry. Again, because of our child, we are being cordial in common living areas. We have a small house, but were able to consolidate the playroom with our child's bedroom to get her in a different room. WS is on the couch for now until she can buy a bed after we get paid. I haven't fully gone with the 180, as we get caught up in texts and stuff during the day. I'm committed to beginning it, and did better today.

Since everything is still my fault (WS argues) we are still firm about being apart. I don't think I want a lying, cheating, backstabbing, deceitful, untrustworthy whore of a partner anyway. I still can't figure out where my good, loving partner went. The more I analyze her actions, the more I see that I never really knew her. And the more I realize that it would have just kept happening anyway. And the more I realize that it's really over. She can't handle a committed relationship. She keeps too much important information about feelings, thoughts and needs to herself and then erupts when she mentions them casually and they aren't met. Also, she chooses to tell me about them during times when I'm under considerable distress, then gets angry at any attempt I make that isn't a full attempt. It is those times that she cheated. It's disgusting. I'm done.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 560 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peoplepleaser....I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Please stay strong with the 180. Although you eat together and use common rooms, there is no reason your WW can't stay home with your son some evenings when you go out alone even if just to a movie by yourself. It takes you out of her line of fire and let's her see just what being S or D will be like. Also keep all commubication to only the basics of house, finances and your son. You can still be cordial, just no unnecessary communication and chit chat. Your WW should not get all the benefits of a loving spouse, but get her sex on the side. That is not how it works! (((Hugs)))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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