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Newest Member: Chivalrous (45316)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I spoke to H last night.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

We spoke for a half hour last night. He knew I was mad and guessed it was bc he was over at F's house. He said, "the only reason - the ONLY reason, I went there was bc SHE was supposed to be with YOU." I did write this in my initial post.

He said, I saw her exactly 3x in the 1.5 hours I was there. They BOTH greeted me at the door, when I used the washroom she asked me what we did for NYE and when I left they both walked me to the door.

I asked why he did not tell me he was there or going and he said, "I was going too. No sooner did I arrive then you contacted me about being there." He said, "can I not go to a house to watch a game now?" I just explained that I would like to know.

He pleaded with me to believe that he feel SO SICK when a woman flirts. And again stated, I would not have called F's H, had I known she was there.

He also said, "Every single day at some point, I feel sick to my stomach for my behaviour. I will NEVER cross those boundaries again."

I also said that I wanted no more "sleepovers" at a friend's house. He can cab it home. I also said I want to know every single time he uses pot but I need to know what I am dealing with. He used to use it every week a few years back during the A. Then it was 1-2x month, now it is not even that - maybe every 3-4 months is my guess. But again, I will know for sure bc he is telling me.

Okay, I have to run for dinner then getting on a flight to go home.

Thank you for your comments. I am going to read them all agand and we are going to discuss more in depth. Excellent comments made.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you talked.

How do you feel about the pot use? Are you ok with that? Just saying, but my spouse didn't have more than 2 beers unless I was with him for about 5 years. Just doesn't need any inhibitions lowered, anywhere, any time.

I think his reasons for going there are crap, frankly. Maybe in his mind he really does think he is innocent, but he's not. He was thinking about HIM, what he wanted to do, not how it would possibly affect you.

That said, I think honey, that you are very conflict avoidant. 1. on the late casino night, I would have been up his ass asap. 2. when I knew where he was watching the game and that woman was there, I would have said "how fast will you be returning home?". 3. on the drug use, I would tell him it is completely unacceptable.

While I think he is on his way, he's not there yet. These are all the same symptoms of the wayward illness. Be very careful you aren't slipping down the codependant/CA slope as well.

Have a safe flight home.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm glad you had a chance to talk. I'm glad he helped you feel better.

I hope you can get him to understand how hurtful it was though, how scary and upsetting.

"can I not go to a house to watch a game now?"

^^This, not OK. Blame-shifting (IMO).

Also,

"the only reason - the ONLY reason, I went there was bc SHE was supposed to be with YOU."

Then leave immediately when you see that she's there. Immediately. Fake stomach ache, whatever but get out! Why not, to save their feelings?

I'm glad you guys are talking, I hope delving deeper into it helps more.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LA

first, safe home.

It's good you started to talk, but there needs to be much more, IMO.

This

He said, "can I not go to a house to watch a game now?"

Was a comment made by someone who feels entitled, IMO. It put you on the defensive and doesn't make it seem as though he gets it.

I asked why he did not tell me he was there or going and he said, "I was going too. No sooner did I arrive then you contacted me about being there."

This conversation needs to happen before he goes somewhere. He made the decision to go out and telling you would have been an after-thought. NO, the talk happens before the action, period.

I also said that I wanted no more "sleepovers" at a friend's house. He can cab it home.

Wait, how did I miss a sleepover?

He should not be in this position LA, out drinking with the guys should not be an option. I am not sure how he suddenly thinks he can act like a single man, or at the very least a man who didn't have an A.

He also said, "Every single day at some point, I feel sick to my stomach for my behaviour. I will NEVER cross those boundaries again."

Honestly, I don't care what he says. He needs to back this up with actions that make you feel safe. IMO safe does not include, casino's, bars, drinking, guys nights and especially not recreational drug use.

You mentioned the gambling was a concern before, what about his drinking? Does he have an addictive personality?

I don't like his recent activities, but I think I am pretty black and white in my R feelings. I have little patience for screwing up.

I think you need to decide what you need and what works for you and lay it out. Communication and being honest when he asks to go or do something you are not comfortable with is important.

Your heart and security are important here, don't let him manipulate you.



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a big proponent (not just because of infidelity, but also prior to) of letting family know where you are. To me it's a sign of respect.

If he would have said "hey I'm thinking of going over to Bobs to watch the game", you both could have talked about circumstances and activities that you (both of you) aren't comfortable with and made plans for what he'd do if boundaries/situations became unhealthy or uncomfortable.

I agree with everything Rebreather said as well.

Lay out your boundaries (good job!), then allow him the room to either respect them or cross them. It will be very telling.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of the problem is that we have few friends at our home. There are no regular guys he hangs with so when he sees them here, he wants to eat it all up.

The guys here are buddies he sees 1-2x year. The guy's house who is slept over is someone I grew up with (families have been friends since I was 10, so I do feel safe - in terms of zero women - when he is with them).

I'm a big proponent (not just because of infidelity, but also prior to) of letting family know where you are. To me it's a sign of respect.

Yes Unfound, very true. He could very well have said, "I am going to call F's H to see about watching the game." I would NOT have said, NO NOT do that bc she was supposed to be with me. He said she was in the office marking papers. When I told him that she cancelled on me AFTER he got there, he looked surprised.

His drinking....he drinks beer but he is not a "drinker". He drank a lot during the A.

Last night he said something that let me know where his head was at. I asked him why he hadn't told me what hotels he stayed at with AP as every time we fly into Toronto, I wonder and I finally asked on this trip. He told me. I said, "why did you not tell me the other day when I asked? He said, "I want to protect what we have NOW. We are in a GOOD place NOW. I don't want to go BACK to that time."

I explained that what he doesn't understand is that being here - home - brings the A to the surface and he needs to answer my questions regardless of when I ask them. Once I get an answer I take a bit to process it and move on. I have been AMAZING at taking the info., dealing with it, writing about it, asking more questions....and moving on. On to the next thing.

Honestly, I don't know how the BS lives in the same town as the AP. It is something I don't have to deal with - only when I am here 2x year - and I am grateful.

I AM a conflict avoider, Rebreather. Yes. Yes I am. I avoid it with my sister, definitely with my bf and my H. But I am coming along. When I feel uncomfortable with H, I say it. Like last night. We talk. I used to bury it, resent him and then lash out over something unrelated.

I guess being here we have two things going on, one of which I don't have to deal with back in NS. We have me wanting to give him the ability to enjoy some things we don't have back there ie: casino BUT we also have me being triggered by A territory - sadly - my home. It makes a bit wobbly. But what it also does is show me where we - and he - are weak. What we need to work on.

We are...a WIP. (work in progress)


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're growing, LA, you're growing. and working so hard.
hugs!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5240 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a process, that is fo' shore!

I think one problem is not that you "let him out of the house" or however we want to phrase that, it's that he doesn't have boundaries, or a stopping mechanism. You give him an inch, and he takes the whole rope, you know? I hope he is giving earnest thought to this. It is a deeply rooted selfish behavior. Many of us have this tshirt. Selfishness can be reformed, but he's got to really dig in now, I think.

I am glad you recognized your CA. I think last time I mentioned it you said I was crazy (which isn't much of a stretch in general). It's suck work; changing ourselves and our reactions too.

One other thing I wanted to point out. This may just be a "written word" thing, but you said when he came home he must have known you were upset. Did he KNOW that because you told him? Or were you assuming he had to know because of your reactions? If it is the former, good. If the latter, more work for you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't believe I would tell you I was NOT a CA, Rebreather but perhaps I did. I have always known this about me. I recognized it w/o a doubt reading, After the Affair. He is a CA too. Awesome.

He knew I was mad bc I was not looking at him or really speaking with him. We had a house full of people and while I know I am making excuses for myself, I did not see an opp to pull him aside and say, "I am really angry with you".

Finally, I told him we needed to talk so that I just didn't pounce on him - as I have done in the past.

Honestly, I don't care what he says. He needs to back this up with actions that make you feel safe.

Ok. yes. I agree karma. Feeling safe is key here and let's face it. I don't when he is out with certain people. It's not that I think he will cheat on me. I believe he won't do this again. But his penchant for...risque "fun" troubles me.

One final note...he did take pics of himself at the Casino and at his friend's house (when he slept over). I didn't ask him to do this. He just did it. He did contact me before going to HO where AP works and he did report back on that. Nothing.

Yes, I believe he goes far when he goes at all. Look. Instead of running a 10K, he started off with a marathon. That says something right there.

Thanks for your safe flight wishes. So far its delayed. I hope they just cancel it if this keeps up. Very windy and bitterly cold here in TO.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did contact me before going to HO where AP works and he did report back on that. Nothing

Say what to the who now?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did contact me before going to HO where AP works and he did report back on that. Nothing

Say what to the who now?

^^^^ huh, LA? with Rebreather here, where did he go?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry karma and rebreather, I c ld have sworn I responded to this re: HO and AP but was at the airport when I did. Guess I messed up.

After meeting w clients in Toronto while on our trip he had to bring some paperwork to HO (head office). This is where the AP works. He told me about this and then followed up by saying he made a point of going there at "off" hours. Better chance of not seeing her. He told me who he met with while he was there. He basically went in and out/ did not wander around being mr social.

So in addition to him taking pics of himself at various outings to reassure me, he was open about his HO visit. Yes, he could have done a way better re: going to F's house but each mis-step teaches us where we are weak.

On another note, our flight was two hrs late arriving and we walked into our home @ 4am. Quite the night but could have been worse.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((lA44)))

Glad you are home safe and you had a good talk.

You know I went through something similar recently with boundaries. Something that struck me with your H was his asking if he was not allowed to go to a house to watch a game now. Like a teenager who had just come off being grounded.

I explained to my H after his recent foul up that the rules were now changed forever. It's not like after a year has passed of good behavior things go back to the way they were. The way things were helped get us into this mess! I need to be the most important consideration, not the extra beer, or pool game, etc. If I am triggering or have concerns then he respects that. Forever. After all, he had 28 years of it being otherwise.

That's not to say that he can never go out with friends. But my H used to do that thing where he would seem to stretch the limits when he had the chance--I'll be home in an hour would be three hours, which made me feel as if he didn't want to come home. Your H staying at a casino that long, perhaps similar feelings. Our feelings need to be considered, IMHO.

After our last dust up my H took total responsibility and I asked him how he planned to handle these situations in the future. He had a concrete plan (basically no more than two drinks and to discuss ahead of times social situations that could cause him anxiety and perhaps tempt him to drink more). Perhaps you and your H could clarify expectations in advance (ie--home by 1 am, discuss social plans prior to committing). I don't think he is trying to hurt you, but he seems to be acting a bit clueless (and, perhaps, as if he has "paid his dues").



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks catlover. I appreciate your response and the example you gave. We just had another really good - and at times a bit heated - talk.

Yes. A plan of action is needed now isn't it. I don't want to play cop or worse - "mom" to him. I want him to do the things he likes to do - ie: visit with guys that make him laugh or go to a casino...but not cross into that "other" territory. Like I wrote earlier. He signed up for a marathon as his first race instead of a 5K. He has this need for....more. At least that was a very positive more.

I also explained that for "years" he would behave like he wasn't married - stay later, one more song/beer/story/game....this past year was incredible in terms of how I felt. I felt married. For the first time in many, many years, I felt regarded as his wife. We were a team. We WANT to be a team. So please, I explained, keep this in mind when moving forward. We had one very solid year but its only been one year.

We have more work to do.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA--check out my thread on "he was a married man" ...similar thoughts.

Good luck to all of us.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 15

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