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User Topic: Dealing with My Mom's Death
pmr411
♀ Member
Member # 29899
Helpless  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost my mom on Thanksgiving and things have been rough. My mom has always been one of the only people that I could truly count on. She never betrayed or hurt me. I am really struggling with this loss. I feel so sad and my heart is broken. I just do not know how to get through this. My husband has been wonderful, so loving and helpful. I just really miss my mom and our close relationship. Any advice or ideas on how to get through the loss of your mom/best friend? I am also looking for ways to honor her. I am in the process of gathering pictures and ideas so I can make a memorial scrap book.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2010
stroppy_wanadoo
♀ Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you, PMR. Not my mom, but I lost my best friend this summer. And it was tougher than I ever expected.

A few things I've learned... the two month mark seemed to be very, very difficult. Not sure why, but it was. Maybe because the permanence was setting in? Looks like you are at about that mark now.

Making a memorial scrap book is a fantastic idea. I began assembling one about my best friend that I intend to give to her young boys (11 and 9) when they are older. If you have children or neices and nephews, they would all probably really enjoy that book some day. Writing down memories and compiling pictures has been very theraputic. I've found time to smile, despite the sadness, and often even laugh out loud. Memories can never be taken from you, and you will find they provide great comfort.

I also found it useful to retreat from others who are also grieving for a bit. It was hard to watch them deal with their emotions as I was struggling with mine. This is hard to describe, but I think I became a bit jealous(?) that others shared a bond with her that I felt was special to just me. I needed to be alone with my thoughts and not sharing theirs. I did, however, find a friend that didn't know my best friend at all. She was a great listener and I didn't feel like I had to compete with her about whose memories/bonds were better.

I will say prayers of peace for you. Five months out and I am still struggling, but it does get a little easier with each day.


Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2006
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PMR - I lost my mom in November as well, so I really empathize. ((((big hugs))))

I love your idea of the memorial scrap book as a way to honor your mom. I'm sure working on the project will remind you of so many wonderful memories.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24753 | Registered: Aug 2011
really trying
♀ Member
Member # 5311
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((everybody)))

I'm so sorry pmr.

I lost my mom in 3/12 and miss her every single day.

As far as honoring her these are a few things I've done but it took me a year or more to be able to do them.

She had a summer nightgown and cover up with lace on the bottom of them and I had the lace put on pillow cases (enough for 3)

I copied her handwritten recipes in color so it showed stains, etc., for all the grandkids

last month I was able to look at her photos and see her life, who she was, without grieving so heavily and I found a really cute very old picture of my mom and dad and I framed it in an old looking frame. It's cute because of something I think is so cute and totally them.

Wish I had better words for you, there are none really


Me: late 40's
XH: A parasite and that might be a compliment
My S-23, Our D-15
Married 5/93 D-Day: 11/18/03
Divorced 5/19/08

The future's so bright - I got to wear shades

Plant Seeds of Kindness


Posts: 10390 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: California
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My condolences for the loss of your mom.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51812 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pmr411))) I am so sorry for the loss your dear mother, pmr411.

My only advice is to not fight the grief. Go with it, feel it. It will take a while. One day, I promise, you will wake up one morning and her death isn't the first thing you think of. One day, I promise, you will think of her and smile and not cry.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((PMR)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2011 and I still think about calling him once in a while and have to stop myself.

I just process my grief as it comes... I don't have any advice other than that.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24415 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Yme
Member
Member # 239
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your subject line grabbed my attention as I also lost my mom recently. She passed on Thanksgiving Eve. I still cannot believe that she is gone as she was SO vibrant and lively prior to the three weeks before her death. I find myself wanting to call her before it hits me that she is no longer alive. I think of her often throughout the day and my chest will get heavy and I'll get a lump in my throat. Then the tears come. Quiet tears as I'm afraid to give into gut-retching uncontrollable sobbing as I'm afraid I'd never stop. Bedtime is the worse as I lie in bed and thoughts of her run through my mind. My sorrow is deep and intense.

I've very sorry that you, too, have lost your mom. I feel your pain and commiserate with you.


"Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips."

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: The Land of Pleasant Living
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pmr411)))

I am so sorry for your loss.


Posts: 34439 | Registered: Mar 2011
Peaches2013
♀ Member
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((pmr))

I lost my dad in October and it's been rough. You have my condolences and sympathy.

Some of the things we've done (myself, my brother, and my mom). We went through pictures and my mom used a picture frame she had purchased years ago (it's huge, probably meant for more like a painting, but it worked for us) and made a huge (collage isn't the right word)collage of all of our favorite photos of him.

My mom had a tree planted for him in his birth state.

Shortly after his death, we made dinner with all of his favorite things. We then went out and lit chinese wish lanterns and let them go. It was beautiful. My 3 year old remarked that we were making stars.


Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I lost my mother I told a family member that he may need to look for me on the pavement as it was quite likely I had fallen there with grief and could not get up.
What I learned is that I needed to feel all the grief fully. Don’t try to not feel, instead feel it all. With it came a cleansing that then gave me the room in my heart, mind and soul to hold all the loving memories, the moments of treasure that were so simple, but so full of true life with her. By feeling all the grief I also was able to accept the love others were trying to give to me, the energy and the gentleness they were sharing. With that I also then could see my life in my mother’s eyes. She loved me, really loved me in a way that no one else on earth ever will again
Grief is not mental. It is physical and embedded in the soul. It hurts all the way down to who you are. Once you touch that deep grief, you touch your mother’s love for she loved you first. Then the healing begins and you will find that you are the luckiest person that has ever walked the face of the earth because you had her love from your first breath. Not all people get or have that. Treasure it.
It is so hard to go through.
My heart weeps with you and my spirit sends you a quiet moment to just touch her love one more time.
tryingtwo…


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10313 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother over 7 years ago. I promise it will get easier with time but you never stop missing them


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry pmr - and you have my sympathy. My dad died suddenly on 16 Dec. I too don't know how to deal with this, but I've learned through the infidelity that brought me here that sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and not rush things.

Wish I had more, but you have my sincerest sympathy.

V


Divorced

Posts: 869 | Registered: Jan 2011
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry!!!

I did a scrapbook for my friend when her son passed. Let me tell you - it was soooo emotional. I cried through every-single-layout! However, it was the best thing for me to do. I told my friend the tears would literally drip off my face on every page.
hugs!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2050 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your loss, pmr.

I'm sorry for everyone who is grieving a loss.

(((((everyone)))))


Posts: 3353 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like the others in your post, I feel your pain too. I lost my mother this past summer and it stings everyday. Of her 5 children I was her only son so we shared stuff that only she and I could understand.

I’m sure you miss the phone calls, especially on occasions like Christmas and New Years Eve. Not being able to draw advice from her sucks - amazing how much we depended on them.

A couple of things i’d suggest to you:
* download any saved or even deleted phone messages that she left for you on your computer or detached hard drives so you can listen to her voice,
* put any clothes (blouses, scarves, etc) in a zip lock type bag (Space Bags are great) so you can enjoy her smell from time to time,
* as others have suggested, put photos in a scrapbook,
* what is kinda cool is to pull out an old letter or card that she wrote to you and gently trace over her words with your finger and imagine her writing it,
* if you’re able to, take clippings of her plants and re-root them - collect seedlings from trees in her yard and do the same thing - when they’re ready plant them - nurture them as she did you (a very, very long time ago my neighbor painted a house that Einstein lived in in Princeton NJ - he took seedlings from one of the trees on the property and sure enough he had an “Einstein tree” in his yard for decades - he was proud of that tree - a connection to someone great - like your mom),
* place a picture of her between your mattresses - you’ll sleep peacefully.

I’m sorry for your loss, pm411. I’ll put her in my prayers...

[This message edited by sportsfan at 12:23 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 16

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