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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing with Anger
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are some of the ways others here have dealt with anger and frustration? I thought I'd been getting a better handle on it of late but the past few days have just tossed that idea out of the window. The Healing Library is pretty sparse on this issue, and only really talks about identifying it. My next IC appointment isn't until the 15th because he's out of town, and he had to cancel our last appointment because of strep throat. I don't want to detach, but at the same time I feel like I'm going to explode or freeze over or both. I don't know what to do with all of it.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you angery/frustrated about? I ask because when I would start getting angry about things like "OMG are we talking about this AGAIN" or "why can't she see the hard work I'm doing?" or anything like that, I had to remind myself that I'm the one that did the damage and I can't dictate how Mrs LRH processes it. Feel it, take a deep breath and make a choice to be helpful instead of angry.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About a series of conversations I've had over the psst few days with BS and our two oldest children. I'm not angry about what we were talking about so much as the way we were talking about it.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still not much to go on. Are they disregarding your input? Are they giving the impression that your opinion has no value? Is it A related or no?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe so, I know that they would disagree. I'm sorry, I think I'll just wait for my IC appointment.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

get more sleep, talk things out, yoga and exercise.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleep hasn't really worked of late. I try and then end up pacing in the dark fifteen minutes later. Exercise may help. I'll try that. I don't know if I'm capable of talking things out or if anyone is interested in hearing what I have to say if it isn't to apologize and agree with their assessment of facts and my feelings. Any disagreement can only be because my perspective is skewed and not to be trusted. Not observing something is because I'm in a wayward/NPD mindset. Thus my interpretations are less valid than people who weren't even there. My being angry is inappropriate and another sign I'm 'in that place.' I honestly don't know what to do. I tried and have tried to share my thoughts and feelings about this with her several times. She says that I said things that I didn't say. Has interpreted my thoughts and feelings a certain way and there isn't to be any derogation from it.

I know that my perspective is skewed in a lot of ways. I feel frustrated because I think they keep treating me like a child or an idiot. Maybe I am, I don't know. I just feel sick.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if anyone is interested in hearing what I have to say

We are. We're here to help. Feel free to PM me if you're not comfortable in a public post.

Its easy to feel like you can't express allmof your thoughts when you've done so much damage to your family. You are still entitled to your feelings, even if they make others uncomfortable or upset. I will caution you to use discretion and pick your battles, but don't stuff your feelings.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in that place Tessaract not so long ago. I've kind of let go of being angry, at least for any prolonged amount of time where it starts to seep in to the air. It starts with an intention that I don't want to communicate violence, through non-verbal communication. Just because you aren't saying anything doesn't mean you aren't communicating anger (violence in a non-physical way).

OK, so first you are angry. There is nothing wrong with the feeling of being angry. Hey you are being misunderstood, you are frustrated, you aren't getting what you want, shit is not going your way. Of course you are pissed off and thinking about it will get you more pissed off. It will build unless you take the air out of its sails. This is when I sit my ass down, breathe and meditate. I think, "I'm pissed. Why am I pissed?"
and I let "My Story" unravel. Then, I need to let go of "My Story" realize that there is also "Her Story" as well. That she is also frustrated pissed and a lot of the shit I do makes her do her shit. That's where the empathy part comes in and then you let your anger go because you know it is not helping, because you want to be helpful more than understood. That its not so important that you are understood by her, yet. But that you provide a non-violent atmosphere. When things settle down, the truth usually comes out and reason returns to both of you.

One book or audio book that I have found helpful in dealing with anger is Pema Chodron's "Don't Bite the Hook". A very practical buddhist approach dealing with the very destructive emotion of anger. In fact, its not anger that's bad its just a feeling, its the lashing out, the resentment that builds inside that is bad.

Hope this helps,

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 9

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