As some on here have pointed out, some of us were fooling ourselves about who our WS really was, projecting our own thoughts and feelings onto them over the years. Some As were aberrations, but in our case my H had wayward tendencies from the very beginning that I have only now come to realize.
I always knew that he tended to be selfish and would withdraw and had major issues with control (and now that I know about his CSA I can understand where this all originated). But what I didn't realize is that he did not feel connected to me in the way that I felt connected to him. Of course I only had my own experience to go by and assumed he felt the same. But while I had a circle drawn around the two of us, he had a circle around himself that merely intersected with me. But his primary allegiance was always to himself. I posted on another thread recently that my H never needed boundaries because he wasn't protecting the M, only himself. (btw when I asked him this he agreed). At work he never slept with clients, although he had ample opportunity; that would have crossed the professional boundary he had for himself. But if an employee stroked his ego, or coworkers invited him out after work, he had no problem hiding that from me and pursuing it; it, again, was all about him.
He was horrible about gifts, never made romantic plans, frankly tended to be selfish in bed, was not much help around the house. All those things that I lived with. He was proud of me as a wife and truly did not want to replace me, but again, it was about him.
Now that he has done the work and I have had over a year to observe his behavior I can truly appreciate the difference. Now we are a team; he is a "husband". I define that as a married man who thinks of his wife and marriage as paramount and protects that at all cost. Now, I (and we), come first. His boundaries (excepting that drunken night that some may remember--and no more since then, not even on New Year's Eve) are tight. He gives and gives. He is always thinking of me and trying to make me feel loved and happy. He is also more giving to the kids, and even the pets. He seems to find true joy and peace in this.
I feel that he still has more work to do, but am happy that I get to experience a true marriage, and husband, at last.
I have to ask what is CSA?
Good luck with your man.
Thanks for directing me here. I too like the circle analogy and I recog my H's past in your examples.
I believe I eventually drew a circle around me (during the A years) bc I didn't feel embraced by H. I was trying to take care of me but not doing a very good job. I was eventually shutting him out not realizing he was in an A and had done the same to me.
As I wrote in my last post, 2013 was the first time in many, many years that I felt I had a H who cherished me and cherished us.
But while I had a circle drawn around the two of us, he had a circle around himself that merely intersected with me
My wife, about 6 months into MC said the following in one of our sessions.
"Its hard to explain, but its like I am in my own circle. Blakesteele comes into my circle and we interact....but then he leaves my circle. I stay comfortably in the middle of my circle."
Her analogy is pretty accurate really.
So I totally get what you are relating to in this post!!!!
To be sure...I differ somewhat on the slight "selfish" angle you mention.....I am still working on this....but dont think it is selfish in the traditional way.
Selfish, in the traditional way to me is like saying "Yeah, well too bad I am going to do this anyway." Yes, my wife is quite capable of doing this and did so after my DD. So I am not excusing the affair at all or my wifes ability to be selfish.
Selfish in this circle analogy might feel more like "Oh, thats cool I'm married and like when blakesteele visits." I dont think my wife was intentionally refraining from "visiting me"....more like a habit she adopted well before she met me. A FOO coping mechanism dating back to childhood.
Children are selfish by nature.....but they are not spoiled by nature.
I dont know....maybe I am lost in spoiled vs selfish?
That primary allegiance to oneself....I guess that is selfish. (My wife, before and during our dating period, said she always wanted children but never thought she needed to be married, have a man around.) Or is that more of a self-protection based on some very wacked assumptions....given the husband-wife relationship she saw modeled for her.
What I have learned from my own journey is that a person must NOT loose track of who they are as an individual to remain healthy.
I think I lost myself too much as an individual within my M....my wife embraced her self as an individual too tightly.....both of us hurting our joint goal of creating a one-ness and a healthy family by doing so. The extreme trial of the affair pushed us both to our far corners of how we coped with life for decades....
Regardless....wonderful post and shows real forward progress.
Way to go Catlover50 and Mr. Catlover50!!!
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:43 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]
I hope we can all find a comfortable way to "be" in our M.
I know I really like where we are now.
D-Day, June 10, 2012