Last night was the monthly blowout again.
He lied and said he was mad last time because I smart mouthed him about moving some items out of the way for a contractor. Doesn't he have a right to be angry when his wife is drunk and snotty to him?
He threw out the cancer card again. Says he's just trying to survive and if I don't care enough to cook a decent meal he will eat somewhere on the way home. I told him do whatever you want.
He offered to move out. Threw everything he could out there to... IDK, get some kind of reaction out of me.
Word salad. The same old circular conversation we always have.
I very calmly told him that all I see when I look at him anymore is the angry guy who yells at me.
He will defend until his death the right to yell at me for whatever I've done, real or imagined.
I'm not going to cry and beg him to be different. I really don't care anymore. When I mentioned how expensive it would be for us to split up, he backpedaled and decided we should work it out.
I brought up the time he screamed,"She's my only daughter!" in reference to his daughter from a previous marriage. Of course, that's over and done with and he only said it because he was angry and I should be over it by now.
Anyway, my son was asking me what the deal was last night. There wasn't any yelling and screaming for a change, but we did talk for some time. I told him he's making shit up about what happened on the last blowout and they know it didn't go down the way he says.
I started crying and told them he offered to move out and I've been holding on so long because our standard of living will decrease dramatically if it all blows up. That it will be very ugly if it does. That I don't know what to do and I'm sorry for letting them down and it's getting very hard to live with the crazy.
I am so confused. Sometimes, I believe he is trying to drive me crazy.
I want to just cut my losses and go on.
But I don't want him to have our daughter, and I know he will fight for custody and it will be dirty and nasty and full of lies.
I know I shouldn't have broke down in front of the kids. I want to do what's best for them. I don't want to completely blow up their world.
I don't love my husband anymore. I know in my heart that it will never be right.
I told him it's okay if I'm not the one he really wants. It doesn't hurt anymore. I didn't tell him it doesn't hurt because I have nothing emotionally invested in him anymore but that's where it is.
I would be a fool to hang on and hope for something different. I've been detached for a while because it's the only sensible thing to do.
Some of you would probably tell me he has a plan B now. I don't think so. I believe he's just trying to threaten me or hurt me or get some kind of reaction out of me.
I'm so tired.
Thanks for listening.Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.