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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: counseling
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has always placed health issues at the bottom of the list financially, putting everything including personal pleasure first. Several years ago I decided if that's what he wants for himself fine, but no more putting off my medical needs.

I feel he should seek IC, but he says I need to take care of my issues first. History of depression prior his A, A issues, lack of personal direction, etc.

Money is a concern & he is willing to seek out a free support group for some of his issues.

But when tax refunds get here he already has plans on how some of it should be spent. It's on something that has always been a dividing point between us. I'm very hurt by this, thinking if we were important enough he would skip that this year and invest in us.

I just don't know how to make him understand my point of view. (or maybe he understands and just chooses to disagree)


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 272 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't know how to make him understand my point of view. (or maybe he understands and just chooses to disagree)

Maybe he is showing you what is important in his eyes.....HIMSELF.

Why don't you tell him that the money needs to be spent improving yourselves this year and depending on how things go, next year can be used for "fun".

Can I ask, what does he think it should be used for?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like he's already made the decision as to what is important. It doesn't seem like it's your M or you. Yes he needs to work on himself, but you and Marriage have to be the priority. This is why we say, if we set up a rule, we need to follow-through with consequences. Not that your WS is a child; if a kid was given a rule that he cannot play withe the vase, he then played and broke the vase, wouldn't the consequence be that he goes on timeout and fix the vase using glue? In the same manner, what are the consequences? Rules have no meaning without them.

Hope that helps.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this a deal breaker for you? (It would be for me, I think.) That makes it easy - he won't have a choice between a goodie and IC. It'll be between IC and paying for a D.

Maybe that would make IC look a lot more attractive to him - but it only works if you're willing to D if he persists in going for the goodie.

JMO, and I know it's easier to outline this for someone other than myself than to live it.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8933 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Kap12
♀ Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to stand firm and tell your spouse this is the year you work on you and that means going to IC, MC whatever it takes to make you better. Health is so important to the rest of how you spend your life. So don't back down stand your ground.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like he's already made the decision as to what is important. It doesn't seem like it's your M or you. Yes he needs to work on himself, but you and Marriage have to be the priority. This is why we say, if we set up a rule, we need to follow-through with consequences. Not that your WS is a child; if a kid was given a rule that he cannot play withe the vase, he then played and broke the vase, wouldn't the consequence be that he goes on timeout and fix the vase using glue? In the same manner, what are the consequences? Rules have no meaning without them.
I think I haven't drawn the line because I'm not ready emotionally or financially to follow through with D at this time. If I draw the line I may be forced into that before I'm ready. Not that I want D yet, but I have to be prepared if it goes that way.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 272 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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