Please do not start threads using the red stop sign icon, I've removed it for you so please be more careful in the future.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I think it's important that you're staying NC with the OM so when those times come up that you feeling like talking to him, you really have to push him out of your head and replace those thoughts with more constructive things.
Keep focused on your marriage and how far you've come into your own healing. Taking on your own fears and insecurities is wonderful and shows that progress is being made!
Like if you went to a Dr. the first thing he would do was to talk about what was bothering you. Whether it be head, arm, leg, stomach its where he would start.
So as you are going through the process, where is the pain? It stinks to feel broken in horrible, but it does reveal where the work needs to start.
Now, what to do after you figure that out? Not sure, but if you figure it out, let me know!