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Newest Member: WoundedSpirit (45440)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how many times is too many times to ask?
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's good...will help you process knowing they have zero contact. I hope you get the information you need and make the best decision for yourself. Take your time. And remember this isn't your fault. Not even a little bit. I always knew marriage was hard but had no idea I had signed up for this BS.

Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile

Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! So sorry this happened to you. Unbelievable! As others have said, just keep asking. I am one of the unlucky ones and have been with an accomplished liar for 9 years. The things I found over the years and questioned were either never answered or vaguely answered. I never bought the replies I got (or managed to get) and we both did the rug sweeping. I never have trusted him but just lived with it for this long. And frankly, it has to end.

I would say if you can live with the rug sweeping, then you probably will not be trusting either. Something to think about. There's probably more to what he's telling you. So sorry hon.

Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex told me she wanted only me, "i'm tired of other men" she said. Me being the english major pointed out she pluralized. She stared dumbfounded. I didn't wait for dday #2 or 3 or 4. Point is we all have our limits. The polygraph is the only option now. Otherwise you will have to sort out lies from truths for years. Not good. Strap him on a machine for an hour, write out the maximum number of questions you can and get your answers. Then decide if you can live with what he is and not what he says he is.

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing about love.

It's not enough.

If you want to, google "love is not enough" and see what comes up. I found lots of very interesting and illuminating things!!!!

You may get to the point where you love him enough to stay, and that will likely depend on how he rises to the occasion of actively repenting and mending the deep wounds of his betrayals by growing as a man and a human being.

And your love for him, well it may or may not be enough, for you to stay. Marriage is way, way more that just about love. Most of us really don't understand this until we've hit several trials and tribulations.

It's also not enough to stay for the kids. Marriages that exist for the kids inevitably do not work; they exist, for years, but they are generally not good.

You are both very young. His ONS with your XBF (soooo sorry!) happened when plastered. Okay MAYBE he's just immature; a 28/29 year old man's brain just maybe was formed finally at 25, and some say it takes until they are 43! In any case, you're both young and not to give him a pass, but plastered new year's eve parties for immature people without boundaries are trouble waiting to happen.

The good thing is that you don't have to decide now. You can go to IC, MC and see how it goes. If you really go down this path, without rug sweeping (!!!!!), you will learn a lot about yourself, him, marriage and life. It's a path of growth and I hope for the sake of your family that you can work it out, but if you can't for whatever, you will learn that too and come to peace about it.

I'm glad that you are not scared of leaving him. It's good to read that!

Best to you!

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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