Please help anyone.
I find that I am so insecure about my WH's true feelings about me and if his words after months of trying to R are real. Does he really love me?
If so, does he love me enough to survive through this long road of reconciliation.
Him saying "I love you" and doing everything asked/expected of him does not erase the fact that he was able to betray me, tell me he was not in love with me, be willing to leave me. He did it before, and it could happen again if the tides turn again.
So I know that with all these insecurities, it is so hard to accept what he does as genuine and from the heart. Even a nice present or text or email or conversation doesn't give me the reassurance I seem to so desperately crave.
What he did so devastated my self esteem.
He placed that seed that him not loving me can indeed be a possibility, it can exist, it can happen.
I now find that when I'm at my most weak/insecure/scared/exhausted emotionally, I inadvertently test him. I just realized today, I am asking for him to repeatedly reassure me of his love for me.
Not just the apologies stemming from guilt/remorse.
I don't even know what it is I want.
In my head it's a very unexplainable - "pull out all the stops and show me how much you love me".
I know that makes no sense and I don't know if anything will ever be enough.
But I want him to fight for me.
To tell me "I'm the one". That I'm worth all this effort.
That he loves me THAT much and will do so forever.
I know - romanticizing, unrealistic.
But it's just how I feel at times.
God knows I'm Ms. Practicallity and Ms. Realistic enough of the time.
I want to know he won't leave me, abandon me, betray me, deceive me - not just because he's dealt with his demons and FOO issues and he wants to be a better man. I know he's already working on this for his own sake.
I want to know those things could never happen because I mean that much to him.
That he loves me so much that it could not happen.
For my sake.
I need to know he loves me.
And I'm having trouble believing, hearing, seeing, feeling this love when he does try.