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User Topic: What is Self-Love?
Scorpio2310
♂ Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was talking to my BSO tonight and we were talking about my boundaries again. She acknowledges that my boundaries are starting to take hold. Then we started to talk about the connection between boundaries and selfesteem. I told her that I didn't have much selfesteem and then she asked me about about my self-love... My answer was the same as my selfesteem. That worried her as she is curious as to how I can love her as much as I say if I don't have any self-love.

My question is what is self-love really and how do I delevop it?


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Cool  Posted: 6:20 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I haven't done any research so please don't attribute any science to this, but I see it as the difference between confidence and respect.

To me, self esteem indicates confidence in your self and knowing your worth no matter what anyone else in the world thinks about you.

Self love is, I think related, but it goes more toward the respect you have for yourself and the behaviors you will and will not tolerate from yourself. If you are faced with making a choice that you know is ultimately not good, part of what should stop you is the respect you have for yourself. In other words, you like yourself too much to put yourself in a bad position and to have to view yourself in a poor light once the choice has been made and you can't turn back..

Does that make sense?

Like anyone, I've been faced with lots of choices over the years. I do believe that self love has stopped me from making some of the very obvious bad ones. I want to think of myself well. I want to think that, while I'm far from perfect like everyone else in this world, at the end of the day I'm a good person in my core.

If you look at it like that, I think you can see where your BSO is going with her concerns. I think she is afraid that the feelings you have for her will be your sole motivator to never stray again. As we all know, those feelings ebb and flow in long term relationships. When you hit another ebb one day, she wants to know in her heart that there is more there and more inside of you that will stop you from ever making that choice again.

ETA - how to develop self love? That I'm not sure about, but if you are not in IC, I would explore that possibility. An IC can help you figure out where the feelings of low self esteem and love come from and how to change that. Everything stems from somewhere and sometimes it's real hard to see without professional help.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 6:24 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2788 | Registered: Jan 2011
Scorpio2310
♂ Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you suckstobeme! What you are saying does make sense. I am in IC and we have discussed my FOO issues, unfortunately self love, esteem, and/or respect has not come up yet.

Self love is, I think related, but it goes more toward the respect you have for yourself

Self-respect was never fostered in me by my parents when I was a child. One of the things that we also talked about last night was how boundaries and self-respect go hand in hand. I told my BSO that I was not even comfortable with the word "self-respect." I also told her that since the two words go hand in hand that whenever I talked about boundaries I was also talking about the other.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of self-love in two facets-- thoughts (internal) & actions (external). "Self-respect" (as mentioned above) I think generally tends to lead towards self-love through thoughts and feelings. I believe there is more to it than that, but starting to think of it that way is certainly a great way to start. The action component is also VERY important, and I believe it is often overlooked or at least not given it's full worth. I personally refer to this action component as "self-care." I make sure to stay physically active and have an appropriate diet… and furthermore, quiet-time is another strategy which nicely overlaps self-care with self-respect.

I think it's cool that you're interested in this concept-- it's been an awakening for me to think about self-love this way. Good luck on your journey!… and be gentle with yourself as you adjust to a steep learning curve and become aware of your shit. Being gentle with yourself is a good way to be self-respectful and therefore self-loving


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
toasted22
♂ Member
Member # 38954
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self - love is a deep acknowledgement that I have value.

As a WS this will be difficult to accept as you review the impact of your decisions. However, you still do have value, you have something deep within that your BS saw initially and that is still there but needs reigniting.

Self Love is not a narcissistic self absorption, it is a quiet knowing that you matter.

How do you develop it?

Keep an encouragement journal. Form a habit of collecting daily encouragements, little comments made by others, insights learnt, changes that have occurred, progress made.

Review it daily and discover the value buried within.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2013
toasted22
♂ Member
Member # 38954
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self - love is a deep acknowledgement that I have value.

As a WS this will be difficult to accept as you review the impact of your decisions. However, you still do have value, you have something deep within that your BS saw initially and that is still there but needs reigniting.

Self Love is not a narcissistic self absorption, it is a quiet knowing that you matter.

How do you develop it?

Keep an encouragement journal. Form a habit of collecting daily encouragements, little comments made by others, insights learnt, changes that have occurred, progress made.

Review it daily and discover the value buried within.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2013
Scorpio2310
♂ Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you toasted. I've never really seen myself as having value... At least on my own. EVER. I had always seen my value through my girlfriends. But I thought that had changed somewhat when I met my BSO. Apparently not.

Since D-day something in me has changed. When my BSO gave me the ultimatum: put boundaries up or leave. I started put them up and I started seeing things in a new light! At first I had put them up to protect and save our relationship. Now I'm moving on to keeping them up because I notice the situations more clearly and I don't want to compromise my renewed integrity. And the more times that I keep my boundaries in place the more I appreciate what I've done and the small victory I have accomplished.

So I guess in a way through keeping my boundaries I am developing some of the other stuff too. I am starting to see value in myself and some of my better qualities that my BSO first saw in me.

The journal idea is something I had never thought of before. At least not in keeping track of the positive things that happen throughout the day and what positive things people say to me.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 7

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