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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He Lied to My Face
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, after the whole furnace not working shenanigans, I put on Do3K hoodie to keep warm until the furnace could catch up and just happened to find a can of SNUS. I asked him, a couple of weeks ago, if he was chewing again and he plain out lied to my face. It's not the SNUS that is really the problem...I don't like it; I'm a nurse and I know the direct correlation between tobacco products and cancer, but it's his decision to make, as to quitting. It's the LYING that bothers me! Why lie about something like this!?! Really, after all of this time, why lie about something as small as this. I am frustrated, because I don't understand the need to lie. I also don't know how to help him. I'm, for once, not mad. I'm hurt and disappointed, but not mad. I just don't understand


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're sad because this confirms your worst thoughts about his character. Avoidance is such a key habit for waywards. It's a little thing, but it shows how he can't deal respectfully with conflict. And you're not mad, because you've BEEN mad. You've done that. Now you're just disappointed. He's not living up to the best him.

I'm not saying he's going to cheat again, I'm just saying he doesn't get why it's so important to resolve rather than avoid this stuff.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ask him why he lied? I presume the answer would be he was ashamed to admit he was still using.

He is an adult and can do what he wants. I think some communication to clarify that you are afraid of having less quality time with him if the tobacco use affects him in causing oral or throat cancer, but that you can stay with a tobacco user (if that is true), but not a liar, might be helpful.

I also don't know how to help him.

Nothing for you to help him with. Tobacco use and lying are both his choices.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and ashamed to admit that he's having a lot of difficulty quitting....

I agree - the lying is a potentially big problem. You've already resolved so many issues - you can resolve this one, too.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, it's just something stupid to lie about. I loved him and accepted him when he was chewing and smoking and I still love him and accept him. The tobacco isn't the problem...I grew up in a household where my parents used tobacco; it's not a big deal to me (it's not healthy, but it's not a deal breaker).

He says that he lied b/c he didn't want me to know that he had slipped up. I'd rather him be honest and it disappoint me, than to be lied to it and it break my trust again.

Thanks everyone!


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isnt about his lying but about helping him quit.
WH chewed forever and just quit again. Holding and having that tin on him was an addiction like the tabacco itself! I took an empty tin, wrapped it in paper that said we love you and put nicorette gum inside. he carried it still for a long time even with out the gum.
He had a couple slip ups of having a cigarette with friends but said it helped to have his tin and smell it sometimes.


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, broken, I may try something like that.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11555 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 7

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