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Newest Member: StillHurtingHer (45319)

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User Topic: need help and support BM input especially
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another telephone call tonight that only was anger and my BH feeling the anger was consuming and not letting up all the questions the obsessing, I could hear the panic in his voice, that he even had to bring it up, He apoligised for bringing it up again cause "he knows its not a good thing for us and he needs to stop" I tried to reassure him its okay I'm still listening , he's not name calling or anything he is telling me his feelings, he doesn't feel the same about me, he doesn't have the you and me and how could I and that all it was selfish, and he doesn't know how to get through this.

We talked like this for hour and 20 minutes, He will not talk to anyone else, he won't talk to friends the consellor and he won't talk or try SI. It's me :-( What am I suppose to do. I know its my fault he feels this way, but its not me that can change it. And to hear suggestions on what to do,from me, I don't know I feel I am the wrong person to do it. But I don't know what else to do.

HE tries the trick like thinking of positive,s tried looking at pictures that were positive, and all that happened was made it worse. Cause he looked at them and sees them as false.

And in one way they are in others for me they weren't I know that's a hard one to believe.
, but its true.

Basically I am asking for help, I have no idea what to do , he is adamant about not talking to anyone else. He will not read nor listen to audio or video, reason is it reminds him and he won't talk cause he does not want to share with others.

I want him to feel better, and its not for me anymore, I just want him to be better. He talked about if he left and then he could move on. I said yes but you would still have the feelings to deal with. ? He figures he would just move on.

I want to feel better and yet he wants his family to be together.

I am feeling very lost because no matter what I say or do there is no right answer. Example. He says to me( paraphrased), he has a hard time believing why I am here, I've written a letter listing all the things I love about him. And he says he knows that family and our home and our life is important and reason why I stay, and so I say yes because it also another reason why I stay, and his response , is that he knew it that its only the lifestyle I am here for and the kids to make it work. I finally said no, that's the reason you are here. (he has told this to me many times)He said that if he didn't love me then he wouldn't be here, and I've told him family and this life is important but I am here for him. If we can't love and be happy then its not fair to the children. They will know anyways.

Is this the anger phase , what do I do, how do I respond. He askes me how and why's and I respond, with what I have found out and understand and it seems to make things worse.

I know too I am careful with what I say, If we start arguing I back down, I don't want to set him, I don't want him to leave. He also sometimes doesn't believe Im being real. Which I told him has some merit. When he is angry I don't want to fight and try to back down, or when we have an issue I don't agree with his opnion, sometimes I won't ingage with my thoughts, I agree with him or say nothing.


I'm so scared I can't and am not helping him, I know he keeps talking to me, but what more can I do. I feel helpless when I see and feel his pain,

And he is away at work SO, I can't even hold him.


The other part is we had said in the beginning we will keep trying, the problem is we keep doing the same thing over and over is this normal.? Should we not try other ways or other suggestions?? If so how do I say this to him, he really gets upset when I suggest we try anything new?

Sorry this is so long.

[This message edited by Joanh at 1:18 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will not talk to anyone else, he won't talk to friends the consellor and he won't talk or try SI.

he is adamant about not talking to anyone else. He will not read nor listen to audio or video, reason is it reminds him and he won't talk cause he does not want to share with others.
Then I got nothin'. These restrictions he is placing on himself are to me very much like having been shot, getting taken to the ER and asking the doctor "Please heal me, but you cannot use any pain medication, antibiotics or bandages. In fact I do not want you to use your surgical instruments at all because that will hurt too." The doctor will either declare you incompetent because no rational person sits with life threatening injuries and ties the physician's hands like that...
...or they call for last rites.

I did not R. I knew that I would need to be responsible for my own healing. I am in IC and I am on SI. Those are not the only options available but they are the ones I chose (besides the support system of my family and friends). Your BH cannot make you responsible for his healing. He can prevail upon to help but he has to take ownership of it. If I get a broken leg figuring out how it happened may be important but that knowledge won't cause the bone to mend itself.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3989 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Brandon808, if you don't mind I may use your analogy for him.


I know I caused it, I just don't know what to say anymore.

And I guess I am wondering if any couples have made it through without the counslling or MC or IC or learning?

My IC told me when he does not want to , or takes a stance like this to say SO if I understand you , what you are saying is you are not interested in looking or trying different ideas to work and improve our marriage. and heal youself.

She said , he will more than like be pissed off and get mad,

I know that its a double sided statement because I gave up and didn't give him the trust and the credit to deal with what I wa feeling , so to ask him, to step back in the ring, and try more stuff he doesn't believe in?

I don't know , I'm going to keep working on my stuff, the hard part is I am finding my issues and becoming aware of those shortcoming and bad coping, and I am getting better, and in a way feeling better. I don't know. I want this so bad, I just don't now. I know its only 14 months way too soon to panic or do something stupid.

I'm still looking for more thoughts. thank you


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO if I understand you , what you are saying is you are not interested in looking or trying different ideas to work and improve our marriage. and heal youself.
Yeah, your IC is right. That will piss him off. Is that intended to shock him somehow? Jar him into facing this issue?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3989 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that intended to shock him somehow? Jar him into facing this issue?[/quote]

In a way yes. The way I understand it is so he realizies what he is saying to me.

To make sure he knows that I am understanding him properly that he is not interested in trying things.

Now I get this is highly volatile since. I did that, I basically gave up and quit trying. So really what can I say.

LikeI said I am the only one he talks too, so a lot of what the IC says are things that would probably be more effective coming from them?

For him, he doesn't like people, and this is not new. He would prefer to be by himself. He has no problem just sitting all day and not talking about anything, has never liked to talk about his emotions or how he feels. Only ever seen him cry once over his grandma death. Oh and animals.
But intamicy, or caring how others feel or what they are doing no. His friends, he doesn't keep up with, he has n idea what is going on in their lives, and when he does talk to people or around them, a lot of times he doesn't even remember the conversation, cause like he says its no importance to him.

He is desperately traumatized, and all the above is and has been accentuated he has been like this allways. . He needs help and I don't know what to do?! I've broken him


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be careful about taking that approach. A provocative statement like that can trigger a defensive response.

I suggest having him take a personality test (assuming he hasn't done so before). Recommend MBTI. There are some good online tests that are free. I tested out as one of the introverted types. Reading up on it more was interesting to me and made me feel like I could understand myself better.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3989 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THank you so much Brandon808 I appreciate your help.

I will look this up. and see if he will considerate it


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joanh,

My XH and I are one such couple that are doing well in R without any counseling, reading, or infidelity support network for my X, the BS.

Your husband is wrong if he thinks that by leaving he would "just move on." My XH felt the same way, that just by D'ing me he could all of a sudden magically move on with his life and not feel any more of the pain I caused by my betrayal. He learned the hard way that it was not the case. He still had to go through everything, feel everything, deal with everything whether I was there or not. He made some bad decisions and turned some parts of his life to shit trying to run away from the pain.

I'm not privy to how he eventually faced it and healed. The explanation he gave was that "one day he just wasn't angry about it anymore" which I'm sure is not helpful to you in the context of what you're asking.

It can be done, though, without outside resources. I think a lot of it for my XH was his choice to not allow it to consume his mind or his life. I know that sounds simplistic because wouldn't all BSs do that if they could? But I know him and how he operates.

Some days I still question whether he has healed (as he claims) or if it's the rugsweep of a lifetime. All I can do...all any of us can do...is commit to living right and cleaning up the mess as best we can.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2222 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Heartbroken, I appreciate the advice.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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