Okay, this is my first time posting on a forum like this. I'm a little nervous.
Anyway, I met my husband at work 7 years ago. We both instantly fell in love with each other, and I knew he was the one I wanted to marry. However, there was another, married man we worked with. A very charismatic, outgoing, fun guy I liked as well. I didn't like him to the extent I liked my BS, but I was very fond of him.
Soon after we began dating, my BS became extremely emotionally distant. I knew he liked to play video games, and I didn't want to make him stop, but he started to go home from work everyday, invite me over, then do nothing but play while I sat awkwardly on the couch, doing nothing. If I tried to suggest doing something, or even try talking to him, he'd just grunt and turn the volume on his game up. If I tried to distract him by touching the controller or touching him, he'd get angry and yell. At the same time, when he did pay attention to me, he'd often belittle me or try to make me feel stupid. If I accomplished something new at work, he'd say "That's not that hard. Anyone can do that." If I ever learned a new fact or heard something interesting, he'd dash to the computer to try and find something to prove me wrong. It made me feel stupid and unwanted.
At the same time, I loved him greatly. I wanted to talk about things, but I knew he wouldn't listen, so I turned to my coworker. He gave me everything I needed. He listened to my problems, assured me I was smart, assured me I was a good artist (something I've always been sensitive about), and let me know he was there for me. I learned over the years that he was a manipulative jerk who did this with every woman he could find, but when all this was going on I was taken in. It took many months of him pressuring me, but I finally gave in and had sex with him.
Since the first time, I saw him off and on again for about two years. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and more often than not I found excuses not to be with him, but whenever things got emotional with my BS I'd turn back. I felt terrible after every time, but I couldn't stop myself. I was afraid of telling my BS, because I knew he'd walk away.
The reason I stopped seeing him after two years is because another one of our friends began to have relationship issues, and he did the same thing with her that he did with me. Looking at it from the outside, I instantly recognized the behavior, and I began to realize what kind of person he was. I distanced myself considerably, and only saw him in a group setting from then on. When things went south with the girl he was currently romancing, he tried to turn back to me, telling me he was sorry he'd seen the other girl, and he missed me, and he wanted me to continue to see him. I declined, but it was hard.
After I stopped seeing him, my BS asked me to marry him. I was so happy, but at the same time I was scared we were moving too fast. We'd already been together for 4 years, but it was the first romantic relationship I'd ever been in. I managed to stay away from my affair partner for the duration of our engagement, but a month after we got married, I went back for one last fling. I'm not even sure why I did it, and I know I shouldn't have, but I was weak. That was when my BS found out. I made up some stupid lie, and after a few days he appeared to accept it, and didn't bring the subject up again, only to insist that I never had contact with the coworker again. It was hard, because I still did like him, but I agreed. I let my coworker know that I wouldn't be spending time with him any more, and that I didn't want him texting me. He was angry, but complied for a while. After a few months, he began texting me again, trying to get me to come to his place. I never did.
This peace lasted for a year and a half. I was extremely happy. I was hoping that if we just never brought the subject up again, and I devoted myself to being the best wife I could be, I could forget it happened. My husband took a job that requires him to travel, and even though it was lonely and hard with him being gone all the time, I never even felt like befriending another man. I thought everything would be okay. Then, last Saturday morning, he confronted me through the computer about everything. I wanted so badly to keep going with the lie I had made in the beginning, but this time, for whatever reason, I told him about everything.
I feel like the lowest person on the planet. I can say I was manipulated and taken advantage of all I want, and it's true, but I still chose to say yes. I've acknowledged my failings to my BS, and because I was willing to accept responsibility for it and come clean, he's agreed to try and fix our marriage.
He says I'll need to support him, and I desperately want to, but I don't know exactly what I need to do. He's told me some things, like going to counseling to come to terms with why I felt the need to cheat, and I'm willing to do this. I'm trying, but he says he feels like I'm not working hard enough to support him. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to show him I really do want to support him?
Any advice helps.