I don't go around thinking about it all the time or anything, but kissing just does it for me. I hate it because as a couple, a good kissing session or make out is always good. Now I miss it. I can't do it without these feelings.
I wish I could tell her but that will pull her away from me even more. :(
For the first few months I couldn't at all, then I could but only if I had a few drinks in me. Lately though, as I've stopped drinking for the most part, it's become more difficult again.
It is hard (not possible?) to have an intimate and authentic relationship with someone we cannot be open and honest with. Putting the relationship ahead of your feelings and needs is the beginning of co-dependency. You sharing a painful truth should draw the two of you closer together. If she is going to step back each time you express disagreement or concern, then she is not ready to R.
While you can share your feelings with her, this is your issue to address. She cannot go back and un-kiss the OM. If kissing is important to you, then you need to work through this and get to acceptance. The truth is she probably kissed a lot of people before you, so the issue here is the kissing representing the betrayal. At just 18 months out from dday, it is not unusual that you are not yet at full acceptance and healed form her betrayal.
Kissing can be more intimate than other sexual acts. I wonder if a part of your reaction is in response to your subconsciously (or consciously) realizing that your WW is not yet fully open and engaged with you in the relationship?
By being honest with my husband about my feelings, I am giving him the opportunity to respond -- and thank God, he continues to respond with love and acceptance. When he does this, and we connect, I find I want to be affectionate with him. And surprisingly, that seems to silence the alarm bells.
I edit, therefore I am.
I guess my fear is more based on the trauma that happened. It is part of the anxiety that you're loosing your mate and someone else is filling in the need. So I feel like I should get over my fear/trauma and make out with her. Well, easier said than done. I need time to heal. My bigger fear is that we will never regain our kissing.
I can tell by her tone because she's not the greatest at expressing her feelings.
She needs to own this and work on this for the M to thrive. This is one of FWW's issues, it was just brought up again in MC (really her IC, but she wants me along). While on the surface we seem to be OK, when the IC helps to facilitate issues I can still see the very deep dysfunction in how she perceives and processes our relationship. Until FWW gets to a point where she can let go of shame, acknowledge (not necessarily agree with) my feelings and advocate for herself, our M will be roommates not spouses.
Still, reclaiming kissing as an activity is on you to work through. I understand this is easier typed than done, as I still struggle with things FWW did (or I presume that she did) with OM and things we do or do not do together now.
It is part of the anxiety that you're loosing your mate and someone else is filling in the need.
Oh, wow - this is so true.
Wh asked me something the other day about a trigger and I told him that that particular trigger had more to do with the fact that chickie was the one putting a smile on his face and that he was the one not letting ME put a smile on his face. Someone else was his emotional booster.
This is your problem to fix - and there are many potential solutions.
To R successfully, you've got to be able to bring up any issue with your W, if only because issues keep coming up. I think you need to bring this up BECAUSE you fear the outcome of doing so. But if your W is going to pull away when you bring up a painful issue, what good is she to you?
Of course, if you solve this real fast, it'll no longer be an issue you need to discuss.
I agree with this, too - much easier written than done.