Before I had proof of his cheating, I did confront because I was suspicious.
At one point in time, I asked him to look me in the eyes and swear on the life of his uncle (someone he greatly looked up to and was very close to) that he hadn't slept with OW. He looked at me and said "Whalers, I swear on the life of (uncle's name) I never slept with OW."
I didn't know it then, but he was playing the semantics game with me. He had fucked her multiple times by then, but he was never away from home overnight...so he never had closed his eyes and fell asleep next to her. So despite the fact we both knew what I meant by "sleep with" he decided to take it literally and therefore, he didn't technically lie about it.
I don't for one second doubt he would have lied anyway even if I had worded the question differently. But he knew I would believe him if he swore on his uncle, because he's always been honest when he's done that.
I still very clearly remember the look, tone of his voice, mannerisms during the conversation. I let it go, but I think that was the point where I really started to feel like he was behaving like a stranger.
It was the first of many, many lies as answers to direct questions. Just glad that's not my life anymore.
My WH pinky promised me and also swore on our son's life.
"sleep with" how ridiculous. He knew what you meant.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
ETA: One example of his semantics games:
"I worked late"
Translation: I worked 5 minutes over, then went to OW's house for the other 2 hours.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:22 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.
WS: I didn't lie, I haven't contacted him
ME: You sent him this text message?!?!?
WS: Yeah, but he never responded
Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!
Needless to say, I blasted him. He knew exactly what I was asking. I also clearly stated that if he was going to play word games and not answer questions honestly, completely and fully, I would file and he could answer the same questions in the discovery process, under oath, with counsel and myself present and a court reporter transcribing his answers. He (as far as I know) has not played word games with me since.
I believe that it is this type of thinking that allows waywards to justify their own actions to themselves and allow them to continue with their A. By making inconsequential distinctions about what happened, allows them to tell themselves that what they are doing is not as bad as it seems and to avoid the realization that there are real consequences to their acts.
That was the only time in this entire fiasco I felt angry enough to actually hurt someone. I didn't, thank God, but I could not believe she was playing semantics in those first agonizing days.
Me: WH, 50
Her: BW, 50
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened 14-15 years ago w/coworker)
I finally would offer one chance, one question at a time, and if he didnt answer like an adult, I would walk away. I was done.
He could have answered these questions. He was stalling, hoping I would give up in frustration. It became a childish battle of wills. It was a game I was not up for, infidelity is soul crushing. I could not continue this.
I have been married now, for 30 yrs. It took this experience for me to see how munipulative my H is. I think it worsened with the fear of divorce. But looking back at history, I think he was munipulative when he chose to be. Not often, just when it suited him. I was not aware. Its not attractive.
Me: You reek of perfume. It's so strong my eyes are burning.
Kids: Yeah, Dad! You smell!
Ex: No I don't!
Me +3: YES YOU DO!
Ex: Well, there was this one woman at my meeting who sat too close to me. Maybe my clothes absorbed her perfume.
Me: Oh please, am I that stupid now?
Ex runs upstairs & jumps in shower fully clothed...
Been there, done that. In my case, I never let it up on my FWH. When he said he wanted to commit suicide, I told him that's a selfish action just like adultery, plus all the money in life insurance, the kids won't even have cause you're that selfish. When he keeps blabbing about how he was lied to by one of the OW is, trying to bond by mutual hatred with OW, I say, well you fell for it. When I tell him that he's not being completely honest and he redirects by how I was not honest in a certain situation, I tell him that he's being manipulative by redirecting me and not answering the question.
Every now and then he catches himself and I think since all the work and current work we're doing in R, he's realized how his charming self can be very manipulative and self-serving. He's sometimes gone to the extent where he's brutally honest because he's afraid to be that person that he was before.
I'm sorry that your wayward didn't learn to grow up and be a better person.
All I can say is I understand your experience!
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Mine should have been a lawyer.
I hate semantics!
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.