Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: decievedmom (44722)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help my spouse hates me
lostmymind13
♂ New Member
Member # 41925
Stop  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this and very unsure of what to do say or ask for. My wife hates me. She doesn't care how remorseful I am for cheating. She doesn't care how I feel. I guess I dont blame her, I caused the damage and devastation. I need guidance on what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


Me:WS-40
Her:BS-39
OW: Ex-girlfriend-47
Together: Almost 18 years
Marries: Almost 15 years
4 Children

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: lostmymind13
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well she is mad. Yes she probably hates what you did and hates you for doing it.

You are going to have to let her work through this right now her feelings are what matters the most. The last thing on her mind is how you feel, as she is the one that has been betrayed.

Just be there for her.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm assuming this just came out.

Be humble, be attentive, back off when she asks, be available 24/7 for her. Take the heat, validate her feelings, don't blame shift or make excuses. Work on yourself and what brought you to this. Be patient, have compassion.

She's going to say some really nasty things to you, she wants to hurt you back. Control your pride and ego to the best of your ability.

It's hard, it's dark and it sucks, but if you want her back it's worth it.

I wish you the best


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
lostmymind13
♂ New Member
Member # 41925
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. Our d day was 14 Nov 13. I am having a hard time not leaning on her for support. Our MC told me I need to to find support elsewhere. I am trying but since I have isolated myself from my alcoholism I am having I hard time. I read a post she put on here today and it triggered me to get angry and mad at her. I said something about it and it sparked us to argue.


Me:WS-40
Her:BS-39
OW: Ex-girlfriend-47
Together: Almost 18 years
Marries: Almost 15 years
4 Children

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: lostmymind13
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're dealing with twice the stress right now. You in AA?

I wanted so bad to lean on my BS for support, but it's not the right thing. You'll only push her away, I found out the hard way.

Keep your shit together, it's the anger you have at yourself that's projecting outward. Join the gym, start running, make new friends, any kind of outlet.

It's OK to be mad, just don't show it at any cost. Easier said than done I know.

She's a mess, you're not allowed to be. It's time to find out what you're made of. Suck it up, it's a rough ride and you've got to be ready for it. Shift your priorities

Most importantly, be sober

I know all of this may sound rough, but I feel your pain. Its really tough, but it can be done. Do the right thing for her, her feelings take priority over yours.

It's f'ing hard and you will slip, but that's OK. Catch yourself, acknowledge it to her if she's receptive and move on.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long have you been sober now? I am an alcoholic too.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
lostmymind13
♂ New Member
Member # 41925
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, am attending AA meetings. As many as I can get to in a week. I have been sober for 59 days as of today.
She wants to know what I told myself to make it alright to cheat on her and why I thought it would be ok to friend the other women on Facebook. I am trying to get IC as suggested from her and SI.


Me:WS-40
Her:BS-39
OW: Ex-girlfriend-47
Together: Almost 18 years
Marries: Almost 15 years
4 Children

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: lostmymind13
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on 59 days that is awesome! The journey to sobriety is not easy that is for sure. Maybe for now it would be best to not read her posts. She needs an outlet and this place is it as others can offer her a lot of support.

If you need a place for yourself there is a really great recovery forum. It is really well moderated and the support there is awesome for people with alcohol/drug addictions. You can learn a lot there and you will see that there are lots of people going thru what you are. Let me know if you are interested and I will send you the link.

[This message edited by Lilypad at 10:20 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It probably is a good idea to stop reading our spouse's posts. I have a hard time with what he says about me in some of them, and I got mad at him, but that's not really fair to him. I wish there was another site I liked as mich as SI, I would switch, but there isn't.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
lostmymind13
♂ New Member
Member # 41925
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilypad,

If you could, please send me the link to the recovery form that you had mentioned. I would appreciate it. Thanks.


Me:WS-40
Her:BS-39
OW: Ex-girlfriend-47
Together: Almost 18 years
Marries: Almost 15 years
4 Children

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: lostmymind13
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@lostmymind,

Sent you a PM with the link.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that you are still very new to this and only a couple months out. Things are very hard. Honestly in the beginning I was still a mess. But now at almost 2 years out, my husband and I are doing great. we have wonderful communication, sex still exists and it is great, we have fun together, laughing together, just spending time together. Trust me, this stuff still is possible.

It has a lot to do with the fact that I have done a lot of work on myself. And I know that I still have a lot more work to do on myself. Counselling should be had, books should be read, journaling should be done. Just to name a few things.

Anyway there was just one thing I wanted to touch up on though...

It's OK to be mad, just don't show it at any cost

You know, yes, it is okay to be mad but whatever you do, don't hide it. At all. You can't hide your feelings from your spouse. I learned that hiding your feelings and bottling them up inside just makes things a whole lot worse.

That is one thing that I did pretty much my entire life. I learned from my mother not to let out your feelings. Just to keep them to yourself and not let anyone know there is anything wrong with you. Well you know where that got me in life? It ended with me having an affair and almost ruining my life with my family.

You need to be completely honest with your feelings. Sure, don't get upset or pissed off and go off at your spouse. But don't hide your feelings. I honestly cannot stress that enough.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.