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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How could I have thought he was so great?
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Stop  Posted: 4:09 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I approach year 1 out anniversary, I'm still trying to fathom how and why all this happened. I need to get deeper and I know this and I'm confident that I will in time. H and I remain on the roller-coaster but we're still on it together so that has to be good.

One question that keeps coming up time after time is this real vs non real thing. I really did think my xAP was a real catch and a "great man". Objectively, he was everything I would want in a man; intelligent, successful, well read, handsome BUT I conveniently overlooked the fact that he was a LIAR and a CHEAT. How did I not register that? How did I possibly think there could be a future with a man who had such character traits?

I guess I did the old typical "yeh but it's not his fault, he's in a bad M" thing but I know now that was me projecting more than anything else.

It would seem he was light years ahead of me in this regard as he often used to say he could never end up "with someone like me" and that "there would always be trust issues" etc. These comments are only registering with me now; that at least he had the common sense to understand that a woman that lies and cheats on her husband is not good wife material. At least he was somewhat based in reality whereas I was firmly planted in cuckoo land.

How does this happen? Where do I need to start digging to try and understand how I allowed my sense of reality to get so distorted when in real life and in other areas of my life I'm actually quite sensible and level headed?


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have a good answer for you , but I just wanted to let you know I can relate to this and understand how you feel.

When I play back the mind movies of XAP I am in awe of how blind I was, and how truly distorted my thinking was. When I think of the things he said I want to throw up. When i think of the things I said I want to crawl into a hole. I look back at it now and am ashamed and embarrassed for how I acted cuz I know I am better than that.

Keep digging and you will get there. I have read a lot on here and have learned things about myself I didn't know before.....things like boundaries and codependence. I didn't realize before that they were issues but now they make sense, and I think that's where some of my issues come from.

Good luck!! For what its worth, I have seen you make progress since we both started on here!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cs2384
♀ Member
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, I'm there with you. What was I thinking? Overall he probably is just as messed up as me. No, nevermind. He's worse. I had the guts to actually tell my BH where he lied to his wife. What a coward. I look at my husband and think "I win". My husband has his problems too. He's lied to me and hurt me yet we both have worked so hard on fixing what is wrong in ourselves and our marriage is so much better for it. What a fool I was to think the OM was so great when in reality we're all screwed up. BUT I made promises to my husband and I have children and a history with him. The OM would have been just as screwed up, no even worse, than my husband. I really hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to blame my BH. I'm just trying to say we all have our baggage and when in the affair I was able to amplify my BH's baggage and minimize my own and the OM's baggage. Things didn't get better for our marriage until we both took that step back and decided to fix ourselves.

So yeah, I now know what I was thinking--I was being a selfish, finger-pointing jerk and ignoring the faults on purpose. When in reality I had EVERYTHING right here with my BH.


WW--me 28
BH--32
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 86 | Registered: Feb 2012
Regrette
♀ New Member
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember being very aware I was attracted to MM BECAUSE he seemed broken. Like attracts like, and there we were..two lovable losers tryin to get it on. I was aware it was sick the whole time but I felt "love" feelings. In hindsight, what I felt was "need." I craved him, without loving him in any healthy way (for example, I didn't respect him.) You marry the person you love in a healthy way.

Very early on in my A, when it was a pure, innocent, chaste EA (meaning no sexy talk,) my MM's W found phone records that revealed we were texting way too often, and, smartly, she determined we were "not just friends." at the time I didn't want the A to progress. I was in IC trying to get myself to stop.

When his W called to confront me she said "I know why you like him, he's a great guy. He made me happy, you ruined my happiness, etc." I was very moved by this convo and it's partly what made me eventually end things (albeit much much too late.)

My point is. We were BOTHdeluded about his greatness. Or were we? Maybe he was great but the A made him a horrible person. I don't mean that facetiously. Just like in a movie where the protagonist is a good person but a touch of hubris and the wrong circumstances destroy them.

Arrogance and Entitlement is all it takes to wreak pure havoc.
Affairs not only destroy families, but re-wire and destroy the characters of the people conducting them.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember being very aware I was attracted to MM BECAUSE he seemed broken.

Ditto.

There was definitely an element of "I can fix this man". But I am starting to recognise that this NEED in me to fix him was actually wanting him to NEED me. It's all so confusing but it's kind of like if he sees how good I am for him, he will need me more and hence the validation increases.

But what I'm really trying to understand is how come he "got it".. he knew that our relationship would amount to nothing. He knew it was an AFFAIR and that I was a wayward.. He "enjoyed" me for what I was; a bit on the side but with little sex but lots of ego stroking and companionship. There was ZERO intention on making it anything significant. The fact that he'd had several AP's prior to me probably gave him enough experience to know that it's all just a little escape and nothing more.

I on the other hand was consumed by the A, pursuing it, taking it very seriously and hoping it would result in something more permanent (although I do wonder if this did actually happen what I would have really done). I feel so stupid and naive for thinking like this. The more he tried to ground me, the more I pushed for reassurance that "I meant something".

I'm sure there are some wayward husbands reading this right now thinking I could have been there AP! Fact is, I think it's a typical scenario: Woman get's needy.. man get's fed up.

When in reality I had EVERYTHING right here with my BH.

Exactly this ^^^^^

I just wanted to let you know I can relate to this and understand how you feel.

Thanks Alyssa. I talked to my IC about it today and we explored the voids in my life etc which was really helpful.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 10:56 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question that keeps coming up time after time is this real vs non real thing. I really did think my xAP was a real catch and a "great man". Objectively, he was everything I would want in a man; intelligent, successful, well read, handsome BUT I conveniently overlooked the fact that he was a LIAR and a CHEAT. How did I not register that?

Not to be trite, but maybe you didn't register that because you were busy being a liar and a cheat.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be trite, but maybe you didn't register that because you were busy being a liar and a cheat.

Exactly. But at the time I didn't consider myself a liar and a cheat; rather a woman stuck in a bad marriage who "deserved" some happiness and one who was managing to cake eat and wasn't hurting anyone.. you know the drill.

It's only when I acknowledged that I'm a liar and capable of cheating that I'm starting to see AP for what he was/is but I couldn't see it then. During the A he could do no wrong. I guess that's what they call the fog.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody in an affair is wearing "affair colored glasses". I sound a lot like your xAP, during the affair at least. Then spent a while in the fog shrouded mists. My xAP needed a KISA, at least until I no longer represented escape.

She's divorcing. I'm reconciling. And my BW is no longer married to a liar and cheat. I'm HER KISA again, and she's what she's always been - my once in a lifetime princess.

How's that for gooey and trite? Reconciliation is turning me into a goof!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciliation is turning me into a goof!

Nothing wrong with that. I'm sure the goofiness is welcomed by your BW. Rather that than what we used to be. Nice to know you got romantic and magical feelings for the one you share your life with. God only knows how much our BS's have hurt due to our selfish behaviours and issues with entitlement.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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