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User Topic: Been awhile...DS passed away
momxgbg
♀ Member
Member # 35350
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been probably close to a year and a half since I last logged on. My son (then 11) was diagnosed with brain cancer in Sept. 2012. Nate lost his battle with cancer on Nov. 24, 2013. I am still reeling from his loss, from the 14 1/2 months of caring 24/7 for my son. Over the course of the 14 1/2 months, Nate lost all of his ability to do anything on his own...it was a slow loss as the tumor ravaged his brain stem. When Nate was first diagnosed, my husband and I decided that all of our children needed both of us 24/7 and put his affair (and all decisions concerning it) on the back burner and just took care of our children.
And now as I try to start living again? moving on? coping? questions are arising as to what I now want to do. After being 2 years out from the discovery of the affair (and everything that went on with it) and having 15 months of intense emotional pain with my son...I am tired and confused. I do not have romantic feelings about my spouse anymore. He doesn't touch me, per my request, and it bothers me if/when he slips and does something simple...like pat my shoulder. But as long as he doesn't touch me...we work pretty okay as a cohesive parenting unit. And I am SO very worried what a divorce might do to my girls (10 and 15) who just lost their brother.

I'm a little lost today and just need to get to a place where I can, once again, talk about the affair and really start examining my feelings about how I want to continue.

Hope I put this in the right forum.


Dday - Jan. 22, 2012
Dday #2 - Apr. 01, 2012 (found out he was still in contact with OW...WHILE we were in MC)
married 17 years
me - bs - 38yrs
him - ws - 36yrs - EA/PA
DD - 15
DS - forever 12 - earned his angel wings 24Nov2013
DD - 10

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((momxgbg)))

I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

Welcome back. Take things slow and be good to you.

If you want help dealing with the A why don't you come on over to General or the Reconcilliation forum, depending on where you are as things progress.

I hope you find your peace.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:56 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3774 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh I'm so sorry for your loss.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((momxgbg)))

I am so sorry for your loss. Is IC an option?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3753 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your loss. Allow yourself time to grieve. There is no hurry. I do think counseling is essential for you to deal with both traumas.
Hugs


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6013 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your loss!!!!

As for the effect a divorce my have on your kids, my youngest DD said something to her friend the other day that eased my mind about the decision I made 12 yrs ago to divorce her father. Her parents have been talking about divorce and she said to my DD that part of her want them to but the other part of her doesn't because she is scared of how things would change. My DD told her that her father and I use to fight all the time and when we first got a divorce she was scared about how things would be different. However, she is glad we got a divorce. That everyone is much happier and it was horrible living with the fighting.

I can't imagine that there could be any happiness in your house, even without the death of your son, if mom and dad aren't showing love to each other. Happy parents have happy kids... Someone once told me that the best thing I could do for my kids was to be happy in my personal life...and I have seen it to be true. This is not a "push for divorce" but just wanted you to know what my experience and my kids thoughts are..

Hope that helps and know you will be in my thoughts, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure things seem so very overwhelming right now. Take time to just breathe.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh momxgbg, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Beemer
♀ Member
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so so sorry - you are in my prayers


BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your loss (((momxgbg))).

Posts: 3260 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

Sorry for your loss. You do have a lot on your plate, so don't forget to take care of yourself.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51516 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no ((((momxgbg))))

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious DS.

It's probably not a good idea to rush the grieving process, just take your time with it all. All of your lives are changed from this, it's hard to know how long it will be for things to feel a little more 'normal'.

Sending you and your family my deepest condolences, strength and support.

((((momxgbg))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mom)))

I am so very sorry for your loss. How painful.

My suggestion is to just focus on each day as they come. Allow yourself time to grieve, focus on your other kids, and make sure they have the love and support they need. Focus on you, get yourself into some IC, some yoga, and try to do one nice thing for you each day. As you move forward you will have a better idea what you want and need.

Read in the library on the days the A in on your mind, and slowly figure out what you want and need. Life is short, we all deserve a full and happy life.

((((and strength, and peace))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7803 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so so sorry for your loss. There are no words...there are just no words.

((((((((momxgbg))))))))


Posts: 3303 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but in my opinion you need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal from the loss of your son before making decisions about your marriage. (((momxgbg)))


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your loss.

It seems to me you have at least 2 huge issues to deal with, and counseling could help you deal with them. The grief, and the infidelity.

I'd definitely start with IC, just to help you gain tools to deal with your life, your girls, and your living situation.

Everything else can take a back burner while you grieve.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5117 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain.

Sending you strength and (((Hugs))) to get through this difficult time. You've been through so much, please don't feel you have to make any decisions so soon.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5829 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so so so sorry for your loss


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((momxgbg & family))))
I am so sorry for your loss


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15106 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.

I'll echo what the other said. Just focus on yourself and your needs for the forseeable future.

The infidelity can wait to be addressed until you feel like you're among the living again.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7430 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
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