I was 44 when this went down but I spent the years of 19 through 44 with XWH. It was my entire adult life. It took me a good 3-5 years to get over it (even though I had a bad relationship during that time and some short lived dating). I suffered through a false R and XWH pulled the trigger on filing for D.
However, age does have it's good points. When you are older you are in no rush to find a father for your children or to start a new family. You have a lower tolerance for putting up with crap. You are coming into your own. I guess it's all in how you frame it. I finally feel like a grown up if that makes sense. I can do as I please and mostly get away with it. At 53 I'm not trying to impress anyone - you get what you see.
I'm not sure what you mean by recover, but that's pretty individual too. Do you want to date again? Marry again? Just leave the house? Not be depressed? That all requires some work no matter what age you are.
Sending strength and peace.
No I do not want to date but wondering why men and my ex so easily find someone after divorce and move on so quickly at my age and us gals don't.
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
Without a doubt the first time was easier, at least for me.
First, it was in the pre-personal computing/smart phones attached to the hip days. As I was younger (though with an infant) I think I had more hooztpa to call it quits right away. We were only married just shy of five years when the A was discovered and I simply cut my losses.
I waited a full year to date (needed the little one to get older), met my latest WH some time later and we married three years after that.
With him it was a long-term marriage (20 years; 23 together), more invested in each other, more investments period, and though the deal breaking AP lived out of state (he's had multiple AP's), computers and his phone kept her/them alive and well in his mind and eyes even from 1,300+ miles away.
Ain't no one got energy to fight that!
I didn't feel scarred from the first one - this one, incredibly so.
It has shaped and changed me forever, and not in good ways.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
I think it depends on lots of things - length of marriage - amount of time spent in trying to R or limbo - whether there was a false R - and, yes age.
I agree with Newlease. I've only been through the ordeal once, after 25 years of marriage and it really cut me off at the knees. It's 4 years after D-day now and I feel 95% healed. Not dating yet but seriously thinking about it. I figure 100% healed once I jump in that pool.
Anyhoo, some of the best advice I have read on this board is to stop focusing on what is going on in the X's life and focus on your own. No comparing. After all, he's a lying, cheating POS, and you don't want any part of that. Start working on letting go. I really had to train myself to change my thinking - force myself to think about something, anything else. It sounds silly, but it works. I was determined not to let his actions define me forever - it just took a while for that determination to pull me through the grief and anger and hurt.
Hugs to you, you can do this. You're stronger than you think.
[This message edited by kernel at 8:13 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by Oh the Irony at 9:10 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
My fiance once told me, while we were only friends and my late husband was still alive, that I was so beautiful from the inside out.
[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 7:42 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Even though ex is the one that had the As and my head KNOWS it is because HE is broken (not me)....I couldn't help to feel that stigma of "ohhhhh - what is wrong with her, she has been married twice"
I got over that but I do remember that being part of my healing process.
Shiloe!!! OMG. I'm 44 and the sexiest I've been in my life. Men love me! (Well, at least in my mind!) Older men, younger men...it's all about attitude.
Then add the damage to your psyche from the infidelity and it is very hard to rebound when older.
The one thing they do have going for them is that the happiness comes from within. They make the best of their circumstances and they develop a wide net of friendships. These are not wealthy women - far from it. But they live within their means and make sure to budget some money for fun. They go out dancing every weekend, with or without a date. They take road trips together, they are involved in charities, community life, and government.
It's all in how you frame it. Don't compete with those younger women who have so many life lessons yet to learn. Revel in your hard-earned wisdom. Make the best of life!
I went through menopause at the same time as all these big losses and it was very intense.
The good thing about recovering when you are older is that you know yourself more. You have a tool box of self-help techniques and skills to draw on that help you be resilient in the face of stress. When I was younger I did not know myself as well, did not have the ways to stay in balance as I do as a mature woman. I know more about how to reach out and find skilled support in counselors, coaches and good friends. I was able to dig deep and find a way to navigate through the mess and gain a lot of wisdom and confidence in the process.
I've also found a new vitality and sexiness within myself that I never would have thought possible. I had the absolute best time dating in my 50s, much much much better fun than dating when I was young. I found a wonderful man to spend time with and we have a great time, including the best lovemaking ever. I have no desire to get married or even live together. I am enjoying life. I have my down moments and once in a while my down days. I haven't recovered financially but I'm doing pretty good and have a rich life.