Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: punished (45460)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Complacency Trap?
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had our first MC session of 2014 this morning.

MC asked fWW if she understood yet how and why a (supposedly) happily married woman could get pulled into an affair.

I wish I’d had a VOX on me to record the session. Paraphrasing, she said, “Things were so good I began to take Camalus for granted. Because he had always helped with the cooking, cleaning, and raising our DD, he jumped in and took over when I went back for my PhD. Then on the rare occasion he didn’t cook, rather than reminding myself he’d cooked the last three nights and deserved one off, I would get mad because he had ordered pizza instead. Or if the laundry wasn’t folded the way I liked I’d get upset about it rather than remember he’d washed, ironed, and folded everything and I had done nothing. He also did all of this while holding down a full time job and being the income earner for the family and I knew deep down I’d never make as much money as he did even after I got my PhD.”

MC asked me if she’d ever complained about the nights I didn’t cook or the way the laundry was done. I told him other than our thirty-year argument over how the dishwasher is loaded, I couldn’t remember a single time she complained about my cooking, cleaning or anything else for that matter.

fWW jumped in and said, (paraphrasing again) “That’s the trap. I would not say anything to him because I felt guilty he was doing so much and at the same time resented him for it…I just took him for granted and expected him to do everything then would get mad.”

I have to think about this for a while. Mull it over and absorb it. I hear what she is saying and even see some truth to it but…how the hell that leads to an affair I just don’t get. MC says he understands it, he called it the complacency trap, a form of entitlement.

The good news is I put a seven-second delay between mouth and brain, which was just enough to keep me from asking, “So if I had treated you like shit you wouldn’t have had an affair?”


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“So if I had treated you like shit you wouldn’t have had an affair?”
Ok, why didn't you ask this? I mean I would have. It seems like legitimate question to me.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear what she is saying and even see some truth to it but…how the hell that leads to an affair I just don’t get. MC says he understands it, he called it the complacency trap, a form of entitlement.

Exactly. This is a big sticking point with me that I go back to when I get triggered. My husband says that prior to and during the affair he felt entitled. I can see how the environment he was in fed his sense of self-importance. He stopped appreciating me and our kids, our family life. He detached from us as we weren't critical to his success. But how does that lead to sleeping with his co-worker? I do not understand feeling entitled to adultery. OK, maybe the first time he was with her he had a what the hell attitude. But he carried on with her for 15 months. It's the length of time that he maintained the affair. I get complacency trap. I don't get how that is connected to justifying and pursuing an affair.

Insight on this, especially from waywards is appreciated!


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 203 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how the hell that leads to an affair I just don’t get. MC says he understands it, he called it the complacency trap, a form of entitlement.

We had a similar dynamic going on when WH commenced his LTA. He seemed to be depressed and stressed, so I just tried harder and harder to ease his "burden". I was doing more and more - also the primary bread winner.

I have never really understood how he could speak so disparagingly and disrespectfully of me to both OW and write then vile things he did about me in his journal. The entitlement lens he viewed our marriage through seemed to totally blind him, making him bitter, greedy and unthankful.

I am not sure that I think complacency and entitlement are similar or how they are linked but I will read with interest what others think.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a form of entitlement.

My W. Entitled. Complacency, normalcy or becoming used to being serviced can lead to entitlement. Again, My W.

Camalus - I took me a while to figure this out, but its not your job, IMO, to figure this out - it's hers and its hers to explain it to you. Then you know she has done some work.

This is not what happens in all cases, certainly, but in my W's case to a T. She selfishly took me for granted. Became used to me doing service and complacent in our family life and decided it was not exciting/good enough. Enter something different (OM), lack of morals and self worth on my W's part = A.

Boy I am glad I am not her. All I am guilty of is trusting the wrong person. She really blew it.

The interesting thing about R for me has been seeing her change how she views things. Her overall mind set has changed, she reacts differently and her ability to be grateful is clear and present. If a person really screwed up, but them acknowledges it, changes their deficits and takes to make amends it can be pretty powerful. People who really overcome personal tragedy and failure (which is what an A is) are people to be noticed and commended.

take care...



Posts: 1436 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.