Perhaps it hurts more this time because you are beginning to see the end of the relationship? I don't know.
You want the marriage you *thought* you had back. Do you really want the marriage you *actually* had? With a WS who lies to you and doesn't respect you?
Is he remorseful?
what do i do? this time when i asked him to leave it hurt so much more.
You give it time. I haven't been married as long as you, but I can promise you from my own experience that time will make it better. I felt the exact same way you are feeling now only a few short weeks ago. It still hurts, but it's not as bad.
am i truly that stupid to not have known?
You trusted you H. The one person on the planet that you were supposed to be able to trust with your life. That doesn't make you stupid. It makes him an ass.
Do you really want the marriage you *actually* had? With a WS who lies to you and doesn't respect you?
If you are anything like me, you'll grapple with this one for awhile. I want the marriage I had when we were laughing, talking, and having fun together. But, that ended a long time ago and there is now a lot of baggage that both of us would have to carry if she ever comes back around. The marriage I knew around this time last year is gone. Gently, the marriage you knew is gone too.
i just want my marriage back and my life to be normal again
Again gently, you can never have that marriage back. It's gone, but it still exists too. Your WH just rewrote the last few chapters, and he never bothered to ask you, the co-author, for input about the new character in your story. That's one of the evils about A's. They are part of your life story, the story you are supposed to write, but you have absolutely zero say about it.
Your new normal is being married to a H that cheated. Mine to a W that cheated. The question you have to answer (me too) is this: Do you want that to be your normal or not?
I know it hurts, and I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. But hang in there.
Our only setback has been the additional information that I became aware of after New Years. He should have just told me himself - and he didn't.
thanks realitystinks. you said some very thoughtful things including the part about the book. We either have written the last chapter or there might be a sequel - but it won't be the same one. That makes me cry.
I am lost. I tried to find a counselor after the first time he left and it was not a good match. I will try to find another one.
Affair wasn't even in my vocabulary until October of this year. I just don't understand how I could have been so stupid. I have learned so much in the past few months.
I hope time can help. I just wish for now it would move a little quicker
Believe it or not, I've been divorced from my first husband for 25 years now because he was a serial cheating skirt-chaser, and I STILL randomly hear about his escapades from when I was married to him. Crazy, I know.
Unfortunately, some things take years and years to come out, and some things NEVER do.
The clear majority of cheaters will only admit to what they absolutely have to. Unless you have rock-solid proof you're holding right in front of their face, most will continue lying and taking it to the grave with them.
Your marriage may survive this... if you want it to and he can turn his head around and see what's necessary. Or it may not. But YOU can survive and thrive. It doesn't seem like it now but it's true.
I send you all best wishes and please continue posting here, it is a wonderful community of friends who have been through every single permutation of this terrible experience.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
If he won't or can't change, you are in for a battle and worse heartbreak.
Good luck in your journey. I hope your WS can make the shift to the right side.
I just don't understand how I could have been so stupid.
YOU were not stupid! You weren't. You are supposed to trust your spouse. That's one of the reasons that you got married. So there would be someone there who had your back completely. Who you could trust. Who would honor you.
Your WH is the one that was stupid. A complete ass. 32 years of knowing each other, 28 years of a marriage that produced loved children, and for an occasional screw for 2 years with a skank, he threw it all away. That's the actions of a stupid, shortsighted, ass.
If you have not already, please read The Healing Library which is located in the upper left corner in the yellow box. Keep looking for a councilor. You may have to see a couple before you find one that you feel comfortable with. Take a look at the first couple of pages here on the JFO forum and look for posts with bulls-eyes next to them. They are also good articles read the first pages of each. Your WH needs to earn the right to come back to you. At a minimum, for me, that would be a complete timeline describing his affair and every detail of it. A commitment to complete honesty. Since you believe that he's remorseful vice regretful, going to a MC (marriage councilor) as well.
Keep coming back for support and to vent. We're here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012