When does clarity happen?
I think that because you have more clarity (about other things) that year two is harder. You're not looking through so much pain, but with a clearer set of eyes.
Also, by around that time, you're out of survival mode and have to make more effort to apply the things you've learned in the first year.
Are you able to talk with him about how you feel? Now is the time you can build your new normal. It's not easy by any means, and the emotions you might feel might not be as intense, but are still valid.
Anyway, I am new in Y2 so stay tuned!
The storm is over but when you walk outside to examine the damage it can be overwhelming. There is debris everywhere and you kinda know you have to start picking up all the pieces.
It's also a time where friends and relatives are probably done hearing you discuss it, they don't get the long term process this is, so it can be a bit more lonely.
All of the crazy emotions have settled out and it's time to dig in and get to looking inside and picking old wounds.
The good part about entering year 2 is all "the firsts" are gone, so that's a plus.
Painful, but at the end of year 2 you feel a whole lot lighter and more in control....well, I did.
Clarity is a part of why year 2 is different. Harder? Not sure.
Year one had days were I actually and literally looked down at my work boots and "willed" them to move. I was successful in doing this for all but 3 days.
5 months into year two.... Profound sadness can creep in. The strong pain is fleeting. "Flash crying" more typical than crying I did in year 1.....
Feelings are less scary this year. Even when they are intense.
Realization that I could have 50% custody of our girls no longer scares me either.....sad reality, but no longer scared of this.
Full acceptance that my wife had unprotected sex with a man I didn't think she even knew....and have realized this is more reality than my wife's reality-of-the-moment while in her affair.
Realization that my wife is hurting....and that I can NOT change that. Also the realization that my wife IS inviting me "into her" more than she ever has ...,maybe more than she ever has.
I still DO get scared.....scared I will be tempted to try and bring some of my old coping mechs with me into my future. But even that fear is waning.....the clarity I spoke of earlier allows me to see them as less appealing. I saw them as less appealing early on...but partly because I thought I would lose my wife if I held onto them. Now I see them as less appealing because I will lose the personal growth I am experiencing . I owe it to myself to figure out how to process life rather than settle for coping with life.
For me, year two IS turning out to be very different. But "harder"?.....,not sure if that is the most accurate why I can describe it thus far.
Again, not quite half way into year two.....so I am open to being challenged (by others now or by myself tomorrow!) on this response.
I am grateful I have had 17 months more with my family intact. I had no idea what this journey was going to be like when I chose it back then.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:43 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
We just had the 4th antiversary of the day I asked for a D. It is still a difficult time of the year, but less painful then last year, and the years previously.
Whereas the hot-lava humiliation and pain starts to cool a bit, there's a new kind of anger and sadness that many have found much more potent during the second year.
Good news though - this is part of the evolution that eventually leads you back out of the cave. There is clarity, strength, and happiness where you are heading. You aren't going to feel it yet, but you are not alone in your process, and it's not always going to feel like this.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I just feel emotionally drained, I fraught so hard for this in year one. I feel numb. I feel unattractive, old, used. I don't think he lies anymore, but I always have that thought in the back of my head when he says anything.
I agree w/ unfounded.. You are no longer writhing in pain, fighting for your marriage, the PTSD , eases up a bit and you are able to think a little more clearly, a little more rationally.
Time to find a new normal..
Very difficult. Trying not to do anything that made him so unhappy that he was willing to put me through this hell, trying not to be pathetic, by worrying about stupid stuff, just wanting someone to make ME feel good about myself! Maybe he doesn't like me for me.. Maybe he likes 180 girl! The one who goes to the gym regularly, hangs w/ friends, neglects kids and job , gets dressed up daily, acts like nothing bothers her, lost lots of weight that is coming back now). Maybe he SHOULD be with the " sweet girl who happened to be on drugs, lost kids to DFAX and enjoyed sex with married men" Maybe that's what he likes.
Edited: forgot can't call OP names here.. Oops ! Force of habit
[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 9:27 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
But it's also individual, of course.
For us, it's still hard....and we are coming up to 5 years.
Very difficult. Trying not to do anything that made him so unhappy that he was willing to put me through this hell, trying not to be pathetic, by worrying about stupid stuff, just wanting someone to make ME feel good about myself!
This here ^^^ is one reason year 2 can be so important as well. The healing YOU have to do will make you realize NOTHING you did made him do this. You didn't make him unhappy enough to cheat.
You are good and you are also good enough. I hope you have been getting some IC, it is so very important to understand and see your worth when traveling through this journey.
(((hugs))) it may be tough in year 2, but healing and fighting for you is something that has to be done!
D-Day 19 April 2012
I totally get what others are saying, and that's completely normal, I just don't think it's inevitable in year two.
"Adultery??? This is not the person I married!" Then , when the BS expresses that to there WS and gets the "you are so right honey, I am NOT that person, I will stop immediately!" response.....it allows a bit of a "BS fog " set in....pushing clarity off into the future for that particular BS? The continued actions post-DD would simply not allow me to generate this "BS fog"....even though I personally tried like hell to make it foggy!!!!! (FOO issues).
I did NOT have a remorseful WW upon my DD. As such my 4 months after DD were dreadful.....lies, continued A, TT'ing.
At one point I figured it hurt our journey .....and it did . But I wonder if my wife's "lack of team spirit " has had an affect on how my year 2 is going? Maybe when you have a model WS you get into a "comfortable" state that allows the BS to not fully embrace how the original M died upon adultery being chosen?
Maybe a BS in that situation never feels as I do....that my original M died by my wife's actions. Maybe they realize it later than I did?
In those cases maybe year two is when that fact catches up with them?
I admit I have lots of ????? In this post, so don't know for sure.
I lean more towards catlover50's post.
For the record ......we didn't HB sex either.
I have mixed feelings on what we missed vs gained because of this as well.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:37 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
t/j means thread jack...to take someones thread and change the topic/derail it for a minute.
Mine was a mini t/j but I was addressing your words and I didn't want to ignore kayak's needs...
t/j, once again, over