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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: why is year 2 so hard?
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been posted here many times that year 2 of R is hardest. We have arrived, him being the model remorseful H but I am still struggling. Different hurts now as the processing of facts has evolved thru time but I am feeling more disconnected from the relationship and him. Is this how others felt even though trying to R? Why year 2? When does clarity happen?


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one of the approximate times that seems to hit a lot of people in similar ways.

When does clarity happen?

I think that because you have more clarity (about other things) that year two is harder. You're not looking through so much pain, but with a clearer set of eyes.

Also, by around that time, you're out of survival mode and have to make more effort to apply the things you've learned in the first year.

Are you able to talk with him about how you feel? Now is the time you can build your new normal. It's not easy by any means, and the emotions you might feel might not be as intense, but are still valid.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14835 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have anything to offer, but am a month away from D-Day and wondering about this too. I've been bouncing from emotion to emotion (sad-angry-scared, over it all, etc.,) like a ping pong ball. I'd love to hear input from those who have weathered storm too.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 13 months in now kayaker so I am just becoming aware of the difficulty of Y2. I was nodding my head to what unfound wrote. I think now that (for lack of a better word) the excitement is over - the good being HB'ing and into the night talks - the bad being well, obvious, there are no great highs and mind-blowing lows. And its obvious that if we skip past old ways, they will come back to bite us everytime.

Anyway, I am new in Y2 so stay tuned!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, year 2 is when you get down to the real work.

The storm is over but when you walk outside to examine the damage it can be overwhelming. There is debris everywhere and you kinda know you have to start picking up all the pieces.

It's also a time where friends and relatives are probably done hearing you discuss it, they don't get the long term process this is, so it can be a bit more lonely.

All of the crazy emotions have settled out and it's time to dig in and get to looking inside and picking old wounds.

The good part about entering year 2 is all "the firsts" are gone, so that's a plus.

Painful, but at the end of year 2 you feel a whole lot lighter and more in control....well, I did.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

17 months post-DD here.

Clarity is a part of why year 2 is different. Harder? Not sure.

Year one had days were I actually and literally looked down at my work boots and "willed" them to move. I was successful in doing this for all but 3 days.

5 months into year two.... Profound sadness can creep in. The strong pain is fleeting. "Flash crying" more typical than crying I did in year 1.....

Feelings are less scary this year. Even when they are intense.

Realization that I could have 50% custody of our girls no longer scares me either.....sad reality, but no longer scared of this.

Full acceptance that my wife had unprotected sex with a man I didn't think she even knew....and have realized this is more reality than my wife's reality-of-the-moment while in her affair.

Realization that my wife is hurting....and that I can NOT change that. Also the realization that my wife IS inviting me "into her" more than she ever has ...,maybe more than she ever has.

I still DO get scared.....scared I will be tempted to try and bring some of my old coping mechs with me into my future. But even that fear is waning.....the clarity I spoke of earlier allows me to see them as less appealing. I saw them as less appealing early on...but partly because I thought I would lose my wife if I held onto them. Now I see them as less appealing because I will lose the personal growth I am experiencing . I owe it to myself to figure out how to process life rather than settle for coping with life.

For me, year two IS turning out to be very different. But "harder"?.....,not sure if that is the most accurate why I can describe it thus far.

Again, not quite half way into year two.....so I am open to being challenged (by others now or by myself tomorrow!) on this response.

I am grateful I have had 17 months more with my family intact. I had no idea what this journey was going to be like when I chose it back then.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:43 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the first year was one of shock and disbelief. The pain was so immense I could barely function. Year two...I realized this was my new reality. The shock was wearing off, and the real work began. Realizing that truly my life had permanently changed. We both had to work much harder during year two. The questions continued, the talks continued, however, I was trying to understand them with a new depth...not just the "why".

We just had the 4th antiversary of the day I asked for a D. It is still a difficult time of the year, but less painful then last year, and the years previously.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1566 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the panic finally starts to ebb, reality starts to creep in. We're much more aware of our situation in year 2, and we seem to come into a new phase of processing.

Whereas the hot-lava humiliation and pain starts to cool a bit, there's a new kind of anger and sadness that many have found much more potent during the second year.

Good news though - this is part of the evolution that eventually leads you back out of the cave. There is clarity, strength, and happiness where you are heading. You aren't going to feel it yet, but you are not alone in your process, and it's not always going to feel like this.

(((year twosies)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kay, I am in year 2 as well, my WH is has been just about perfect in every way since right before Thanksgiving of last year. No more drama, no more HB, I don't feel like I've been stabbed in the gut every second of every day, anymore, I don't worry about where he is, but he allows me to track him and never goes anywhere without me except work anyway. When at work he checks in regularly and always answers his phone. He is more romantic than ever..he brags about me constantly and has gotten thee tattoos that represent his love for me Bla bla bla.. I could go on, but you get the picture..

I just feel emotionally drained, I fraught so hard for this in year one. I feel numb. I feel unattractive, old, used. I don't think he lies anymore, but I always have that thought in the back of my head when he says anything.

I agree w/ unfounded.. You are no longer writhing in pain, fighting for your marriage, the PTSD , eases up a bit and you are able to think a little more clearly, a little more rationally.

Time to find a new normal..
Very difficult. Trying not to do anything that made him so unhappy that he was willing to put me through this hell, trying not to be pathetic, by worrying about stupid stuff, just wanting someone to make ME feel good about myself! Maybe he doesn't like me for me.. Maybe he likes 180 girl! The one who goes to the gym regularly, hangs w/ friends, neglects kids and job , gets dressed up daily, acts like nothing bothers her, lost lots of weight that is coming back now). Maybe he SHOULD be with the " sweet girl who happened to be on drugs, lost kids to DFAX and enjoyed sex with married men" Maybe that's what he likes.
Edited: forgot can't call OP names here.. Oops ! Force of habit

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 9:27 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 308 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have stated.....

But it's also individual, of course.

For us, it's still hard....and we are coming up to 5 years.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry for the t/j

Very difficult. Trying not to do anything that made him so unhappy that he was willing to put me through this hell, trying not to be pathetic, by worrying about stupid stuff, just wanting someone to make ME feel good about myself!

Hey lilflower

This here ^^^ is one reason year 2 can be so important as well. The healing YOU have to do will make you realize NOTHING you did made him do this. You didn't make him unhappy enough to cheat.

You are good and you are also good enough. I hope you have been getting some IC, it is so very important to understand and see your worth when traveling through this journey.

(((hugs))) it may be tough in year 2, but healing and fighting for you is something that has to be done!

end t/j


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma.. Thanks for the encouraging words.. What is T/j ?


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 308 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Kiwigirl
♀ Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kayaker55. That is exactly how I feel as I near the end of year 2. The raw pain has gone now but I wish I had clarity and knew what I wanted. Mentally I am not really "all in" my marriage yet but at the same I don't want to leave. I don't know whether I can live with my WH and what he has done for the rest of my life or not. I feel so conflicted when I let myself think about that. But, I have made a number of dramatic changes in my own life over the last year and I know I can live with the new ME for the rest of my life and that feels like a good start. I'm hoping that year 3 brings me more clarity in our relationship.


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much wisdom and connection here to my thread SI friends. I thank you. I sat with my H and we read your responses. We continue on our journey with renewed hope in our healing.
This is so hard.
Hugs to all.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes this year has been so hard. More for me than mfwh. He too is remorseful and does everything but I have distanced myself taking in all the damage that has been done.
Yes most if the drama is gone. Ocasdionslly the shock comes back but because something triggered me. I am not into sex anymore. So the thing I love between us is gone. He never appreciated it before anyway. So I feel like pre A.
I feel Very alone how about you guys. He is alas wuss reaching out but I'm just not here.
It's like I think 'well things are calm kinda like pre A so WTF once everything goes back he's gonna get bored or whatever and cheat again. I am constantly scared that I am being fooled.
So I don't feel like we are in a better place like fWH thinks. Yes we don't fight like before. It's not as violent. Andyes if I don't think about it things seem better but yes year two has been a bitch.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there now too. Still suffering and it feels like everyone thinks I should be over it all. Mine's a pretty convoluted mess. I'm not even sure where in a healing timeline I should be.
I get raging lye angry out of nowhere. I can be perfectly fine, doing my thing...and suddenly be overwhelmed with pain so deep I struggle not to gasp as I choke it back so as not to alarm anyone around me. I still trigger a lot...but a whole lot less than I was. I don't really get much credit for doing better though. It's like I'm the only one who notices..idk. I just know I hurt. I feel like I've dug myself a hole within a cave and I can barely peek my head out to look around.
While all of that is messy, I do feel quite a bit better. Nothing particularly bad is going on. My WS is being pretty lovely and isn't pursuing anyone for friendship or fucking...both is his preferred modus. He is talking the talk and walking the walk. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am etc...I just can't take any of it too seriously but we seem to have much of our sweetness back. Because our situation is convoluted, we never really had much of an HB period. That happened after our first separation...but after the last mess, I just felt entirely burned out.
I still struggle with embarrassment.
I struggle with truly feeling things like love and joy. I feel numbed.
Idk I hope I make it through year 2 in one piece. I'm afraid because this process takes so long...I'll be in it alone..for taking too long. :/


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I'm reluctant to post my Pollyanna outlook, but I do have a different experience. We have settled into a new normal that is so much better and I am in a much calmer place than last year, less fraught, able to think about other things sometimes.

I totally get what others are saying, and that's completely normal, I just don't think it's inevitable in year two.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if having an immediately remorseful and repentant WS is a factor in year two experiences? Maybe the quick about-face of a WS ADDS to the time it takes a NS to get to the clarity of what the hell just happened? Kind if like a BS thinking....

"Adultery??? This is not the person I married!" Then , when the BS expresses that to there WS and gets the "you are so right honey, I am NOT that person, I will stop immediately!" response.....it allows a bit of a "BS fog " set in....pushing clarity off into the future for that particular BS? The continued actions post-DD would simply not allow me to generate this "BS fog"....even though I personally tried like hell to make it foggy!!!!! (FOO issues).

I did NOT have a remorseful WW upon my DD. As such my 4 months after DD were dreadful.....lies, continued A, TT'ing.

At one point I figured it hurt our journey .....and it did . But I wonder if my wife's "lack of team spirit " has had an affect on how my year 2 is going? Maybe when you have a model WS you get into a "comfortable" state that allows the BS to not fully embrace how the original M died upon adultery being chosen?

Maybe a BS in that situation never feels as I do....that my original M died by my wife's actions. Maybe they realize it later than I did?

In those cases maybe year two is when that fact catches up with them?

I admit I have lots of ????? In this post, so don't know for sure.

I lean more towards catlover50's post.

For the record ......we didn't HB sex either.

I have mixed feelings on what we missed vs gained because of this as well.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:37 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catlover- please post your "pollyannaish" experiences! We are all different, and it was heartening to hear.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lilflower

t/j means thread jack...to take someones thread and change the topic/derail it for a minute.

Mine was a mini t/j but I was addressing your words and I didn't want to ignore kayak's needs...

t/j, once again, over


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 28
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