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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: why is year 2 so hard?
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in the first year, there's still a sense of shock. In the second year, the reality of it hit me hard. This actually is my life.

Next month marks the start of year three, which is making me experience more intense emotions. Last night I told FWH that two years ago my world ended and I'm still trying to adjust to this new world I've found myself in.

Not only is it a struggle to accept that my FWH cheated, it's also a time of self-discovery as to why I chose to R when I always considered infidelity to be a deal breaker. In some ways, not only do I not know who he is, but I don't know who I am either.

I guess I'm going to be on the 5 year plan to fully heal.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways, not only do I not know who he is, but I don't know who I am either.

yes. That was and is a surprise to me too.....and is a main focus for me.....started in the first year and continues today....I think this is where some of my clarity has come from, maybe all of it has come from.

I have seen so much of ME that shocked me in year 1...that I have new vision.....and this new vision has ushered in a clarity that is like high-definition compared to what I had early in year one.

Truthfully, this HD-vision may be allowing more clarity within me than I ever had in my life....

It use to scare me....now I embrace it and focus more intentionally on what I am seeing....no longer choosing to ignore what I should have been facing all along. Abandoning child coping mechanisms and tryint to replace them with mature adult processing skills.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3987 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I thinking LiL has got it right.

I was in limbo for 3 days or so (felt like forever) post-DD. After that, however, WH immediately threw the OW under the bus and hasn't looked back. He has been taking his own journey of increased self-awareness. I may generalize too much from his experience: sometimes I see people talking about WSs here and I may be too lenient because of my own experience. My WH wasn't perfect in his transition -- we had some moments where I really wondered whether he'd ever get out of the wayward mindset -- but progress has been pretty steady, despite some big ups and downs. So in addition to the emotional ups and downs that I was experiencing, a lot of year 1 was me saying, "who is this guy?" and trying to figure out whether he was a person I'd actually WANT to R with, whether his progress represented real change or whether he really, really wasn't capable of change. I spent huge amounts of time and emotional energy trying to figure him out.

Year 2 is more about me. Given that I've got this remorseful WH, how can I live with this? Can I ever feel good about being with him? This has meant a lot of digging into myself and how I conduct relationships. And I also think there's a large component of emotional exhaustion. We're just tired of the drama -- numb to it all. It sometimes feels like I'm living in a fog (not THAT kind of fog!) Just a muted form of half-existence. I'm enduring, not living. I want things in bright colors again!

Adding to this, in my case, is another significant source of stress -- going through the tenure process at my university. I won't go into detail, but it's been an unpleasant experience, to put it mildly -- another significant betrayal. So it's been tough getting through the last few months.

[This message edited by Blobette at 10:16 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kiwi-your "not really all in but don't want to leave" conflict resonates. Like so many have expressed the reality of what he did has me wondering if I will be able to live with it going ahead and is keeping me disconnected.
Livingin-yep, I am also on the 5 year plan. I find it reassuring that sages in this process have given this as a timeline for healing and clarity.
Blakes poses a good question on how the lack of "team spirit" affects year 2. My H is a model in R now, but I lived thru 2 years of his selfish manipulation and total lack of remorse as he stepped over the devastation to take whatever he felt entitled to and heaping on too many DDays to count. I was a door mat mess, the poster child for what not to do. Then I found SI, lurked and got plugged in and empowered. I 180'd and everything changed rapidly. Remorse for the first time and talk of R. So as we sit in year 2 and the anxiety from year 1 of saving my marriage has subsided, I am now facing the "who is he", do I still love him and has too much damage been done? Guess time and being gentle with myself will help sort this out.
This felt good to post. Thanks again for everyones input.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Year 2 is harder because you have moved beyond the shock. What you struggled to believe in year 1 has become the truth you have to deal with.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for these great insights.

I am already fluctuating wildly with my upcoming antiversary and knowing that I am headed into the potentially very difficult year 2.

WH is moving back in this weekend, so we've got rocky roads ahead with adjustments to our living situation and continuing our R for our M as well as with our kids.

Thanks for all of you that gave words of hope, comfort, and wisdom. And for the honesty of the struggles... It always helps to know that, whatever path your journey takes, there's someone here on SI that's BTDT.

Love this > ((((year twosies))))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 713 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Rebuilder2
♂ New Member
Member # 39510
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all who expressed themselves here. It is very helpful as a FWH to understand how my lovely wife LA44 is feeling - the ups and downs, the hope and uncertainty, the commitment and skepticism. As I understand more completely, we are able to rebuild more effectively, and so I must give a nod to you all who contributed here for helping our reconciliation.

For those who are interested in a FWH's year 2, there are competing feelings of humbly understanding more completely the ramifications of the mess I created, staying true and respectful of my partner and her pain AND just wanting merit and to be viewed in the present (apart from my past behavior). I am blessed to have a wife who has put such huge effort into examining and then expressing herself through the entire spectrum of emotions. She experiences our new normal and the pain of our past in the same day and through that roller coaster she has stayed committed to reconciliation. She has given our marriage and family a shot at recovery that one could assert I did not 'deserve'.

A 'between the lines' reading of this thread - in my opinion - is that a FW spouse's repeated demonstrable steps to understand and rectify past behavior are critical to reconciliation. My experience is that challenging inward journey is a gift of clarity for the individual and is appropriately respectful for the BS who is walking a very difficult walk. So, for the BS's out there, if it helps your R to tell your FWS that the inward journey is challenging but worth it...you have my endorsement.

Love to all in this New Year. Especially to the beautiful LA44!


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all of you entering or struggling through year 2, I'm bumping a post that the uber-amazing Rebreather wrote when "my" cohort, the Sept 2011 gang, was struggling. Good luck - it really does get better. Slowly but surely, it gets much better.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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