Next month marks the start of year three, which is making me experience more intense emotions. Last night I told FWH that two years ago my world ended and I'm still trying to adjust to this new world I've found myself in.
Not only is it a struggle to accept that my FWH cheated, it's also a time of self-discovery as to why I chose to R when I always considered infidelity to be a deal breaker. In some ways, not only do I not know who he is, but I don't know who I am either.
I guess I'm going to be on the 5 year plan to fully heal.
In some ways, not only do I not know who he is, but I don't know who I am either.
yes. That was and is a surprise to me too.....and is a main focus for me.....started in the first year and continues today....I think this is where some of my clarity has come from, maybe all of it has come from.
I have seen so much of ME that shocked me in year 1...that I have new vision.....and this new vision has ushered in a clarity that is like high-definition compared to what I had early in year one.
Truthfully, this HD-vision may be allowing more clarity within me than I ever had in my life....
It use to scare me....now I embrace it and focus more intentionally on what I am seeing....no longer choosing to ignore what I should have been facing all along. Abandoning child coping mechanisms and tryint to replace them with mature adult processing skills.
God be with us all.
I was in limbo for 3 days or so (felt like forever) post-DD. After that, however, WH immediately threw the OW under the bus and hasn't looked back. He has been taking his own journey of increased self-awareness. I may generalize too much from his experience: sometimes I see people talking about WSs here and I may be too lenient because of my own experience. My WH wasn't perfect in his transition -- we had some moments where I really wondered whether he'd ever get out of the wayward mindset -- but progress has been pretty steady, despite some big ups and downs. So in addition to the emotional ups and downs that I was experiencing, a lot of year 1 was me saying, "who is this guy?" and trying to figure out whether he was a person I'd actually WANT to R with, whether his progress represented real change or whether he really, really wasn't capable of change. I spent huge amounts of time and emotional energy trying to figure him out.
Year 2 is more about me. Given that I've got this remorseful WH, how can I live with this? Can I ever feel good about being with him? This has meant a lot of digging into myself and how I conduct relationships. And I also think there's a large component of emotional exhaustion. We're just tired of the drama -- numb to it all. It sometimes feels like I'm living in a fog (not THAT kind of fog!) Just a muted form of half-existence. I'm enduring, not living. I want things in bright colors again!
Adding to this, in my case, is another significant source of stress -- going through the tenure process at my university. I won't go into detail, but it's been an unpleasant experience, to put it mildly -- another significant betrayal. So it's been tough getting through the last few months.
[This message edited by Blobette at 10:16 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
I am already fluctuating wildly with my upcoming antiversary and knowing that I am headed into the potentially very difficult year 2.
WH is moving back in this weekend, so we've got rocky roads ahead with adjustments to our living situation and continuing our R for our M as well as with our kids.
Thanks for all of you that gave words of hope, comfort, and wisdom. And for the honesty of the struggles... It always helps to know that, whatever path your journey takes, there's someone here on SI that's BTDT.
Love this > ((((year twosies))))
For those who are interested in a FWH's year 2, there are competing feelings of humbly understanding more completely the ramifications of the mess I created, staying true and respectful of my partner and her pain AND just wanting merit and to be viewed in the present (apart from my past behavior). I am blessed to have a wife who has put such huge effort into examining and then expressing herself through the entire spectrum of emotions. She experiences our new normal and the pain of our past in the same day and through that roller coaster she has stayed committed to reconciliation. She has given our marriage and family a shot at recovery that one could assert I did not 'deserve'.
A 'between the lines' reading of this thread - in my opinion - is that a FW spouse's repeated demonstrable steps to understand and rectify past behavior are critical to reconciliation. My experience is that challenging inward journey is a gift of clarity for the individual and is appropriately respectful for the BS who is walking a very difficult walk. So, for the BS's out there, if it helps your R to tell your FWS that the inward journey is challenging but worth it...you have my endorsement.
Love to all in this New Year. Especially to the beautiful LA44!