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User Topic: Hugs - revisited
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a bit of a light bulb moment on hugs. Or physical touch in general.

Anyone here that knows me, knows I'm not a hugger. I don't hug guys for obvious reasons, but hugging women makes me extremely uncomfortable too. Whether IRL or virtually. There was even a "virtual hug" thread back in the day. I didn't dig any deeper than the virtual aspect of it. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I hadn't connected all the dots. Anyway, that's changed a bit in just the last couple hours.

My sister and I have been talking more, opening up and sharing our past experiences with FOO. Many of our conversations begin with, "Remember when...." and we discuss. I left home at 18 and I missed alot of stuff that happened as my sister went into her upper teens.

Today she shared a story with me. She started going thru puberty. Part of life right? Well one day, early in the process, she went to hug Dad like she always did and he stopped her. "Don't do that. Things are different. You're getting too old for that mess." She said he never hugged her again. He never touched her again. If he did, he patted her on the head. She never understood why he kept her at arms length. Ok, so she got her period. What does that have to do with anything. She's not trying to seduce Dad. She just wanted a hug. Like every little girl wants.

Set off a memory of when I hit puberty. I started my period for the first time ever at summer camp. Lucky me. I was completely unprepared and discombobulated. Got home late on a Saturday night and crashed. The next day we were in the kitchen getting lunch ready and Dad was teasing me. I was so tired, overwhelmed and well...hormonal, I turned around and snapped. You don't do that to Dad. Ever. You will die. I don't remember what was said. But I know I tore into him. I remember his shocked expression, Mom just said, "Dad..." and motioned for him to leave the room. He retreated to the living room.

Mom then took that moment to tell me that while my body is changing and my hormones are raging and crazy, while I'm crabby and feeling icky, it's still no right to take our frustration out on other people. PMS is a real thing, but don't use it as an excuse to mistreat people. The next day, she took me to the store and I bought him a grey, floppy eared stuffed bunny rabbit as an apology gift. I also told him I was sorry for yelling at him.

From that point on, I never got another hug or sat on his lap ever again. Hugs and physical affection were already very rare. But it became non-existent after puberty. He kept me at arms length. We would talk, but there was no physical interaction. I didn't understand what my "being a woman" had to do with hugging my Daddy. I don't want him in "that" way. Those thoughts never even crossed my mind!

He didn't hug me at my high school graduation. He didn't hug me when I was in in a very serious car accident. He didn't hug me at my wedding. He didn't hug me when I birthed my children. He didn't hug me when I revealed my miscarriage. He didn't hug me when my godmother and both grandmothers died. All the milestones, all the quiet moments in every day life have passed without hugs. I'm 29 and I can't tell you the last time he hugged me. I'm trying to remember. And I don't know.

I've thought about the way Dad interacts with my DD. DD8 is the type of little girl that just melts in a hug. I can tell Dad hates it. He'll put his arm around her, she'll start to melt, and he gets stiff, pats her arm, lets go and pulls back, while pushing her away. DS5 is a cuddle bug. He'll hug anyone. Dad won't touch him. In fact, it's obvious that he resents DS. In his mannerisms, in his speech to him. DS will go in for a hug and Dad pats him on the head, and leans back further into the couch while pulling his iPad in his lap so DS can't get any closer. My nephew is 2. When he was younger, Dad would pull him on his lap and cuddle him. They would hang out. Now as my nephew has gotten "older", the interaction is lessening. (And obviously there is zero interaction now, because we haven't allowed our children at their house since October.)

It's incredibly hurtful. It hurts to think that for whatever reason he had, I wasn't "allowed" to hug my dad. It's hurtful to know in craving his affection, I found someone else to replace him. A boy a year older than me. He would hug me. He'd do a heck of a lot more than that too. I wanted affection, I found a way to get it. Good or bad.

When I think about hugs, I get uncomfortable. Friends and acquaintances go to hug me and I all but break out in hives. Very close friends of mine know not to touch me. I think I *want* to like hugs and touch, but I'm not entirely sure *how* to. QS and my kids are the only ones who I'll hug openly and without reservation. I know QS loves touch. And I'm totally cool with hugging him. I hug my children often because I love them, and because QS and I both grew up without them. I don't want my children to have that same experience.

For me, hugs = bad/discomfort. And I don't know how to turn that around. The only time I can accept a hug from someone is when I'm in intense emotional pain and can't see straight anyway.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MovingUpward
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Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are hugs are reminder of "rejection" or "taboo behavior"?

My suggestion for where to start would be with your kids and husband but you are already comfortable with that. Maybe trying to hug others on your terms. Hug your sister. Hug a girl friend when they are down.

Ask them what a hug means to them. Think about what a hug means to you. See if there is difference in the perspectives. Ponder what is different in hugging your kids or husband versus someone else.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Joanh
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Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is hard one and I can relate. I don't hug my family, they hug me. I have to make a conscious effort to do it, and My H and kids I am better, my oldest she 23 not so much. And I'm learning the ones I can trust. Brought up no hugging, only by my Greatgrandma , thankfully she made me and she was my go to person. Miss her and need her now.

That must have been so heart wrenching to be turned away from your dad, for something that you had no control over. THe lack of affection leaves a person feeling not worthing of love, I'm sorry that you had that.

I know you are not conversing much with your parents, but do you talk with your grandparents or his brothers and sisters if he has any. I wonder if something has not happened to your father, or he was told forcibly he was wrong to show affection.

I wonder if you knew those answers, perhaps you could understand that part of your fathers rejection, and put away the uncomfortable feelings.

You describe it as uncomfortable , are you maybe still feeling unworthy of a hug? Or is it more to do with your space and protection?

You've helped me so much, I only offer this a ideas, some of it is my own thoughts on affection and hugs, thought I'd pass it on.

I know you will figure it out.

As to how to get over it, I give the hug I don't usually accept. And like you most of the people around me know better. They will be hugging a hard piece of cement. When I feel people need one though I feel safe enough to give it. And I do this more now than I have ever. Its just the receiving .

Not sure anything I've said is helpful, I can relate though.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2013
knightsbff
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Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder what happened to your dad?

I have had to teach myself to become a hugger. I live in the south and everyone hugs here. I prefer to offer a handshake to men but sometimes get pulled in for a hug anyway.

I was a military brat growing up and we always tried to respect the culture and customs everywhere. When we lived abroad we did the kiss on both cheeks thing and I thought it was sweet. I like like being able to comfort someone or show them I care about them with a hug. I think it took me a mental effort to get comfortable though. I can remember hating being hugged not too many years ago.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Lostinthismess
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Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can completely relate. I can't not recall one single time my mother hugged me. I can recall one time she told me she loved me while I lived at home. My father was the 'affectionate' one. Maybe a handful of hugs and I love yous. I get a text from my dad every couple of months. Less from my mom. I don't remember when the last time I saw them was.

I try to hug my children. I find it uncomfortable still. So instead I try to just 'touch'. An arm over the shoulder. A goofy wrestling match, anything to keep the connection. The only person I was ever comfortable being hugged by is my husband. I also found affection elsewhere as a too young girl. It meant nothing. I was never emotionally attached to it. It was all physical. I associated it (later as an adult) with csa, not so much the lack of physical affection. A new angle to work at it for sure.

On a side note, having been pregnant 5 times... People seem to think it's ok to touch a pregnant woman at their leisure!!! Drove me insane! I slapped one guys hand off my stomach and was just like wtf makes you think you can touch me??!! Maybe harsh but I cringe still


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was up half the night mulling this over. Not really making much headway yet. For some reason, this aspect of my life really bugs me.

Are hugs are reminder of "rejection" or "taboo behavior"?
For me, rejection. I didn't understand why Dad pushed me away. Hugs became a source of rejection, confusion, and ultimately hurt.

Taboo? Not so much. From a religious standpoint, everything is taboo. I know what the "rules" are, but they didn't stop me. I craved the affection. If a male offered it, I took it. Forget rules.

Think about what a hug means to you.
Acceptance. Love. Care. Safety. Comfort.

Ponder what is different in hugging your kids or husband versus someone else.
It's hard to answer this. I want to give the reasons I hug them based on their needs. I hug my children for a dual purpose. I love them, but also because I know what it was like to have affection pulled when I was young. I don't want to hurt the kids because of my issues. I lay my weirdness aside for their best interest. But secretly, I'm glad that DD isn't much on hugging. I'm secretly glad that words are her thing. Talking is just easier for me.

Hugging, touching, kissing QS is validating. Yes I said that horrible word. Touch is how he expresses himself. I feel accepted. I touch him because I know that's the best way to show my love. I can write notes, give gifts, etc. till the cows come home. Doesn't mean near as much to him as a snuggle fest.

I know you are not conversing much with your parents, but do you talk with your grandparents or his brothers and sisters if he has any. I wonder if something has not happened to your father, or he was told forcibly he was wrong to show affection.
Grandparents are dead. The family only gets together for big events like the rare wedding or funeral.

What I do know is he was the youngest in a very large Catholic family. Grandpa was a functioning alcoholic. Drank himself to death by the time I was 2. Grandma worked till she retired. There was a big age gap, but Dad was very close to Uncle1. That changed when Uncle1 went to Vietnam. He came back completely changed. Dad recalls a story when he went to wake Uncle1. My Uncle came out of the bed, his hands around Dad's neck, and threw him into the wall. Dad thought he was going to die. Their relationship was never the same.

I know no stories of Dad's youth. Only very vague things like, "We would ride our bikes to the beach and play all day till dark." Most of what I know is when he was in his late teens, early 20s. I do know that Grandpa kicked him out of the house at 17. Dad went to live with his grandparents.

I am very curious about Uncle2. For some reason, Dad has always hated him. It's always amazed me. When Uncle2's name is mentioned, I see Dad's face change completely. His voice gets low and aggressive. He is angry, resentful. Uncle2 sexually abused 2 (possibly 3) of my aunts. This would have been 40-something years ago. My aunts will talk to, and even hug Uncle2. Dad will not. To this day, wants nothing to do with him.

Something that bugs me is Dad's drive to be "a man". I understand having a passion for dude things, but he is so hardcore. He's all "man" this, "man" that. Everything is macho. Step up and take what you want. Do what you want, when you want.

QS is quiet. Dad believes its cowardly. QS doesn't jump the gun on everything. It's a sign of weakness. QS doesn't assert himself. He's "not a man". He's not "leading his household". Dad has actually said these things to me so sadly, I'm not assuming any of it.

Why the huge push to "be a man"? He's not a man. He's a bully. There's a difference.

You describe it as uncomfortable , are you maybe still feeling unworthy of a hug? Or is it more to do with your space and protection?
I think it's partially an unworthy feeling. He pushed me away. I didn't know what I'd done. I felt something was wrong with me. I think my aversion to hugs is a protection against feeling unworthy and rejected. The fact I've always been more accepting of male touch than female is not lost on me.

I live in the south and everyone hugs here.
Yep. Me too.

Thanks for the questions and perspective y'all. Still working on this.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
itainteasy
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Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact I've always been more accepting of male touch than female is not lost on me.

What jumped out to me about this statement is this: You're not afraid of female rejection. Male affection is higher value to you. Of course because of your father. That's the first man you ever love. And when you feel rejected by that man---it can either make you reject every man, or it can make you work to earn the affection of every man. Make you feel "worthy".

That's just my take.

Now, as for why the rejection happened when you hit puberty (same as your sister)..I would say that female maturation makes your father uncomforable. It's not a question of YOU wanting your father like a woman wants a man, but maybe more his fear that he'd have the desire reaction to his daughters. Especially if one of his brothers molested his sisters--perhaps he thinks that's something that runs through his blood as well, and cutting off all physical affection once his girls became women was his way of never letting that demon out.

Even though just because his brother did that doesn't mean that he EVER would. And it doesn't sound like your father had that predilection.


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Lostinthismess
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Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's likely that if uncle2 abused his sisters he may have abused your dad. Or somehow made him feel responsible and guilty. Maybe told him he would get in trouble too. If uncle went after the girls when they hit around puberty it may be underlying guilt and shame he never addressed. Sucked it up and stuffed it down until he built a wall between him and his children.
I also know very little about my parents childhoods. It wasn't until a cousin came into town and stopped over for a quick visit that I learned of the rampant sexual and physical abuse on my dad's side


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not afraid of female rejection. Male affection is higher value to you.
Yep. I could really care less if another woman likes me or not. It's probably also why I always gravitated more towards male than female friendships. Well till now. I have oodles of GFs now. And it's so. weird. But I like it. In a weird way.

Of course because of your father. That's the first man you ever love. And when you feel rejected by that man---it can either make you reject every man, or it can make you work to earn the affection of every man. Make you feel "worthy".
Seeking affection. All the time. Story of my life. It was exhausting. If I got attention/affection, I felt "loved". Didn't realize till later it was $0.99 love instead of priceless love.

The pull of affection at puberty really puzzles me. Quite frankly, it irritates me as well. There was sexual abuse on both sides of the family. I know more about Mother's side. The deets on Dad's side are vague. I think they both projected from their own situations. Which is terribly unfair. But I guess they're a product of their raising just like I am. They didn't anticipate the terrible impact such a decision would have on me.

As much as I despise him right now, as angry as I am over the family situation, I would just about kill for a hug from my dad. He is the only "father" figure in my life. I have no grandfathers, no close uncles, no older cousins, or friends to "replace" him.

All I know is, I've already given orders for QS to never stop hugging DD. I don't care if she's 42, he's to hug his little girl.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
wifehad5
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Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's likely that if uncle2 abused his sisters he may have abused your dad. Or somehow made him feel responsible and guilty. Maybe told him he would get in trouble too. If uncle went after the girls when they hit around puberty it may be underlying guilt and shame he never addressed. Sucked it up and stuffed it down until he built a wall between him and his children.

When reading your story I started thinking along these lines too. I've heard where victims of SAB act out when their kids reach the age they were abused. This could have been his way of "protecting" you.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36936 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
heartbroken0903
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Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late to reply but I can relate. My dad was the same way...very little physical affection growing up and almost none after puberty. The few times he did allow me to hug him after I was grown, he was visibly uncomfortable. It made me sad. He's dead but I wish I could have talked with him about it.

My mother made excuses for him, saying she thinks it's common for dads to feel ill at ease around their daughters' changing bodies. But he never hugged my brother either. I know his FOO issues and I know they're why he was how he was. Still hurt though.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
1owner
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Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is, I've already given orders for QS to never stop hugging DD. I don't care if she's 42, he's to hug his little girl.

I hope it's ok for me to comment. I have two daughters, 14 and 10. 14 year old has already gone through the "change", 10 year old not yet. But since they were born, I have always hugged them before they go to bed, when I get home from work, if they are up when I leave for work, etc. My 14 year old does not hug me back anymore, but I still hug them both and always will. I think it is vitally important when they are growing up to know that Dad loves them and cares about them.

I read a book last year about marriage and it talked about how important a positive relationship with dad was for a daughter growing up. I don't remember it entirely, but at their age, positive validation from parents, especially dad, can help prevent negative behaviors in the early adult years.

I believe the orders you gave QS is good advice for any dad or mom with kids.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2013
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard where victims of SAB act out when their kids reach the age they were abused. This could have been his way of "protecting" you.
I understand this possibility. And I've learned even though he tried to "protect" us (if that's really the case) that it backfired. And I've definitely learned how not to handle my kids when they reach that age.

My 14 year old does not hug me back anymore, but I still hug them both and always will.
Yeah I'm preparing for the eye rolls and the, "Mooooommmmm....ugh!" However, I want my children to know that QS and I are both available to them at all times if/when they want hugs or affection. I don't want them to fear us like I did my dad.

Fear, coupled with a ripping away of whatever little affection I was given, was incredibly hurtful. It built a distrust. I didn't trust him. And learned to lie fabulously about myself and my life. Because I couldn't trust his reactions. I was at the receiving end of rants and rage if I didn't act/speak how he expected.

Another tangent. "I love you". I was packing boxes with my sister yesterday and she told me that after Dad announced she couldn't hug him anymore, she continued with popping her head in their bedroom before bed and saying, "Night. Love you." Then he said, "Stop telling me "I love you" every night. It gets old and seems insincere." He's already stripped her of physical affection. The "I love you" was her last effort to show her affection to him. And he shredded that too.

I can count on one hand the times I remember him saying, "I love you" to me. And I've ever heard him tell Mother. It also explains why Mother went on a rant in the past year about how me and my little sister always tell our spouses and children "I love you". She was all, "Good grief, you guys do that every time you get off the phone. You think he doesn't know you love him? Why tell him every time you talk?"

You know why I say "I love you" to QS? Because I want him to know. I don't want him to ever forget. And I don't want him to have to ask, "Do you love me? Cause you never tell me." His FOO never said those words to him.

His days are stressful and busy. When we talk, I want my "I love you" to be a bright spot in the chaos. When he's frustrated and snaps at me, I still tell him. When we fight and want to kill, we still say it. Because we love each other in the good and bad times. If something were to happen to either of us, we want the last words we've ever said to one another to be "I love you Babe".

APs 1, 2, and 3 were closer to my age. Even with the boundary strength of a marshmallow, I still had a sense of "I won't go that far" with them. (Little did I realize, this far was too far)

AP4 was quite a bit older than me. Upper 30's (looked older) compared to my 27. I completely dropped my shields with him. Fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I found a perverse comfort and acceptance that he was older. He dominated and I submitted. Willing to do anything and everything to please him. I'm one of those horrible, disgusting OW you read about up in General that called my AP "Daddy". My crowning "victory" is when he said "I love you". I wanted to hear it from him. After Dday I really struggled with the "AP lie to get what they want. It's all lies, it's all fake" because it was another rejection. He said what he said to get what he wanted. Just like I did.

Jesus, this is humiliating. I've never put together why I got a much older guy till now. It's really sinking in. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I typed this response. Hi, I'm Aubrie, and I have Daddy issues. There. I said it. fml


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
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Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Aubrie))))

I know, I know. It's a hug, but I can't find the right words.

You are doing amazing. You are pulling it all out into the light, looking it over, feeling it. You're doing it. You are healing. Keep at it. It will be worth it. It sounds like you're helping your sis with it too.

You're strong. You've got this.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
DixieD
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Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what I love about you today in particular?

He said what he said to get what he wanted. Just like I did.

As humiliating and hurtful as it is to think it, let alone say it, it's that you realize and fully understand down to your core that you and AP were on the same level and on the same page. One was not better than the other.

It's one thing to end an affair and go NC and stay angry at the AP (maybe indefinitely) because they were (whatever), it's a whole other level of achievement when you see those same qualities in yourself -- and then discuss it on an open forum. It shows honesty and strength and courage that you can see yourself in an unflattering way and want to change that.

ICR to the older guy thing. When I was a teenager my mother said she thought I'd bring home a 30 year old guy or older. Both my step-sisters did. That should have sent off alarm bells instead of thinking I was just 'mature' for my age. You aren't alone there.

None of this stuff is easy. I'm proud of you. But you already know that. I'm gonna say it anyway.

I feel privileged (if that's the right word -- you know I struggle with identifying feelings) with watching your transformation from the beginning. I wish I would have looked at all this stuff and made changes when I was your age.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Aubrie
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Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I know. It's a hug, but I can't find the right words.
It's ok. I don't mind.

To borrow a line, "Maybe I need hugged, and often, and by someone who knows how". Yes. Pathetic attempt at humor in a crazy hurt filled moment.

Dixie, thanks for always being there.

I don't feel proud or privileged or healthy or any of those "good" feelings. It's like a blanket of "unclean" just wrapped around me. Oh how low I fell.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
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Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fell = past tense.

I only see how far you've come.

Some day you will see that too.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Joanh
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Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You are amazing. You've done a lot of healing

It's like an onion. You have to take off layers and ever layer reveals only what you are able to process at that time. But each layer is deeper. I do believe we have to be ready in our soul to be able to look and see. Cause at some point we have to love and forgive ourselves. And that takes the strength of something higher

You are doing awsome. I hope you see how strong and healthy person your becoming. Like a butterfly 


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2013
NaiveAgain
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Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aubrie)) I'm giving hugs too, because the way to get past this is to kind of force it at first, because it WILL feel uncomfortable for a while. (Don't force it with people that make you uncomfortable, but your female friends, your family members....it takes practice).

I totally relate to everything you are saying. It took a lot of guts for me to admit that I was seeking emotionally unavailable men because I didn't get it from my father. I was a daddy's girl, to the point where my mom told me I cried every time he left for work. He used to wrestle with me and play with me until I hit puberty. Then, boom.....it all ended "Your too old for this stuff now." And it wasn't just the physical stuff ended. He got distant from me. He got critical. Nothing I did was good enough.

So, I picked guys that were usually a bit older and distant so I could "win" them over and get their love so I could finally get the love and validation I needed from my dad. I adored the ground my daddy walked on and I felt rejected by him when I started developing.

I also can relate to the fact that I got along better with males then females, and their friendships and attention always meant more to me.

I was raised with that old world stoic German Catholic values which included showing love by providing for the family and doing your chores, but there wasn't much in the way of emotional closeness or physical touch.

So I was very uncomfortable with all that gushy mushy stuff too. Eeewww, yuck! I thought couples that were romantic with each other were sickening and "soul mates" made me puke. What I realized was that I couldn't stand to see other couples gush over each other because I wasn't used to it and boy, did I need it! (we all need to feel and be shown love)

For me, hugs = bad/discomfort. And I don't know how to turn that around
And that is how your father feels also, probably because of FOO issues. And the reason your mother thinks you guys do it too much is because she never got it and she is not willing to admit that she needs it, and it is too uncomfortable for her to deal with it. When we have a very adverse reaction to something, that is usually because there is something in us that is hitting a nerve and it is painful.

The way I got over my aversion was slowly and over time....the first time I ever said "I love you" to someone was when my first child was born, for the same reasons you hug your kids. I didn't want them growing up without hearing it. And my daughter was just days old when I started saying it, so I didn't have to worry about rejection from her, but it was STILL uncomfortable the first few times I said it. I just forced myself to say it, enough times until I actually got comfortable with it and could put the feelings behind it. Sometimes, the emotions will follow the behaviors, and we have to start behaving the way we want to be and feel.

Hugs from people that weren't my children came slower for me. It took a long time for me to be able to hug friends and mean it. NOw I can do it without even thinking about it, and with feeling, to show I care about others. But that still doesn't mean I will hug everyone. I still have boundaries and I won't hug someone if I don't feel like it or I am uncomfortable, but that isn't because I am uncomfortable with hugs anymore. It is because I am uncomfortable hugging that particular person.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support gals.

I've been trying process and accept this stuff today.

Ended up spending the day cleaning the house with my sister. As we worked we talked about everything. Serious stuff, FOO stuff, then we'd take a break, finding something hysterical and falling over ourselves giggling. I needed the break. This Daddy stuff was overwhelming.

My life has gotten so weird. NC with FOO, building a relationship with no walls with my sister, digging even deeper into myself. I don't know how I didn't see this stuff earlier. It was right in front of my face. I was on the brink several times. But it didn't fall into place till now.

NaiveAgain, I'll try forcing myself. A little at a time. See how it goes. Thanks for "getting" me. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:38 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


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