The hardest part is that he fell in love with the OW. I mean really fell deeply in love.
I can't wrap my head around being with someone who loves me but also her. Obviously there is NC, it's over etc. but just knowing that love was once there so recently....it's really throwing me for a loop.
I feel like it takes something away from our relationship if he just loved someone else.
Anyone else know where I am coming from? Thanks for your help....
Update: attempting to reconcile
Clearly they were never what I thought they were, anyway.
As my friend pointed out, "It's not hard to be charming 8 hours a week."
It IS, however, hard to be charming while dealing with a spouse whose head is up their ass, who is tuned out, who is serving their own needs and doesn't seem to care how you are doing but expects you to kiss their ass and may criticize your every move because their conscience is riddled with guilt.
Anyway, have him do some reading and MC should help. If you google love vs infatuation, there is a handy chart that comes up that paints it all pretty clearly. My husband is now horrified and saddened that he ever thought or said such things, but he really thought it at the time. So, hang in there.
Here is the link:
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:03 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
My husband was so in lurve with his AP, they became engaged. Planned their lives together. Talked about where they would live and what their lives would be like. Those talks didn't include anything practical like who would pay the bills, what would happen to their children and ex-spouses, etc.
And I didn't get any of the, "I still loved you, too." My husband totally admits he couldn't wait to get away from me. He told me he hoped I was cheating, too, so I would just divorce him without any angst.
Now, he cannot believe he fell for this woman. It is clear she is a shallow home-wrecker. She left her first husband due to an affair with her second husband. She gave my husband (and I) an STD. She signed up for a dating service while "engaged" to my husband, and encouraged him to as well, so that they would be seen dating other before they got together and no one would know they had an affair.
He said once he considered the possibility that she had cheated before, a lot of things fell into place that she said and did. Like insisting he bring condoms to their first "meeting," telling him that they "had to be safe."
Of course, during the affair, he was no better.
If I really want to humiliate my husband (and I don't, anymore), I refer to her as "your ex-fiancÚ."
Your spouse, if the fog lifts, will see the affair for what it was. A sleezy affair. Nothing more or less. And once that happens, they do feel pretty darned bad.
[This message edited by sudra at 6:58 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
She wanted children, but not with her partner with whom she had a 10yr relationship. So he gave her 'the present'...that she aborted within 4 days of DDay.
I told him she was trying to trap him into a more permanent 'arrangement'...he could only see it after I retold him what he disclosed in the third person...only then did the fog begin to lift.
Does that sound like love? Because if that is love I'm not intetested. It is infatuation. Nothing more.
The hardest part is that he fell in love with the OW. I mean really fell deeply in love.
I call bullshit. Define love for yourself. Read about it. What is 'in love?' What is 'love?' Explore it for yourself. Define it for yourself. Challenge your H to do that on his own. Then talk about it. Get into MC if you need a mediator. We did.
I simply don't believe "love" as most people talk about it exists or if it does it is fleeting and not worth much. In fact, I fall 'in love' often just walking down the street. Little tingles.
For me - Love is a choice and dedicated practice I choose to engage in. How unromantic is that? Fuck romance, if you want it go have an A. If you want something that will last, choose to do it.
I am having a hard time with this one. He had known M&COW for 10 years. And in the last 3 or 4 years the families have been getting closer and closer together. (I considered her my best friend and vice verse for her husband and WH.) The EA started January 2011 (or at least the walks they took together). But the physical stuff didn't start until Nov 2013. Because they loved each other...
He never told her that he was ever planning to leave me, but he "said" he never asked her what her intentions were. He said yesterday that he may have been afraid of her answer. Based on what MOW's BS said, MOW had saved numerous pictures and emails printed out. I also don't think she ever deleted the emails between them.
And I guess I just "know" her intentions or either it was just guilt... Just on the way she behaved with my kids, if that makes sense. In her sick mind, I am wondering if she planned have my husband that then that would leave me with her husband...
But I have been asking him what was his justifications for having the affair. And he still doesn't know. But I have a feeling it was the "love" part. His IC moved, so I do think we need to find a new one for him. I also need to start going to one besides MC.
But deep down, I do think he loved her and she loved him. I still think he let her see his true self which I have never had. I guess it is the definition of "love" that then gets me... Or maybe that is the only way I see to "justify" the whole thing...
He never told her that he was ever planning to leave me, but he "said" he never asked her what her intentions were. He said yesterday that he may have been afraid of her answer.
That does not sound like any love I believe in or want to be involved with. More importantly, I don't want my partner to view it that way either. I think a common definition of love is important to R.
Honestly, your husband is still in the fog. He'll be out of it and realize what an ass he made of himself. My FWW can't believe she did and said the things she did at this point. But she was in love with a fantasy. Not a person. In their heads the AP is perfect. We all love perfection when it makes us happy.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
I think my husband loved himself. That's just the plain truth of it. He didn't love himself either in the most healthy way, but in the most base and smug fashion.
I have lived in matrimony with this man longer than I lived in my parents' home. He is all that I have known in the carnal sense.
When I think of how he looped his tongue to the roof of his mouth to say the word "LOVE", I get ticked off all over again.
I imagine him cooing the words, "I love you" to the OW and I want to snatch out those last few patches of hair tufts that are stuck in his ears.
If I am blessed, I will live another 10-20 years with this ex-cheater. Yes, he is a reformed man and is deeply remorseful and I appreciate all of that. I do. I still don't understand the mind of this guy though. I don't.
He came home each and every day for dinner, after kissing me hello. Flowers every week...a kiss good-night for over half of my life...pallbearer for both of my parents...Lamaze classes for both babies...Just a lifetime of shared experiences folks.
And he LOVED this OW?????????? Just like that???
I'm not buying it for myself, him, or the rest of us. I think the analogy to Disneyland used by the other poster is so accurate, but where was MY REAL Prince Charming?
Forgive me for my cynicism. This is the beginning of my trigger season and I am usually here at SI. I am still just trying to work it out.
The bottom line is that there is no love involved in affairs, but there is plenty of heartache and destruction.
[This message edited by lovedmesomehim at 9:08 AM, January 10th (Friday)]
She made him feel young and free again. She is 20 years younger and try as I can, I cannot make myself or my H younger. She never had to take care of him after a devastating wreck, take out the poop diapers, sit up all night with an ill baby, get thrown up on, view his mother's body in the ER after a car wreck, sit with him in silence while he grieved, bail water in a flooded basement, talk his son or daughter through their first heart break, and she did not get to share the thrill of a grandchild just minutes old. He and I shared LIFE. They shared a tawdry, dirty secret they had to keep hidden.
My H told me the OW was the love of his life and his soulmate. I cannot ever unhear that and it stings. She did not work so she was available 24/7 and was up for anything, all day and all night. They were not in love. They were in lust. She made him feel like he was perfect in every way, including the bedroom.
It only took a few weeks away from her for him to see the foolishness he had been living. He was appalled at his actions and words to me. It still hurts to hear in my head and I have to tell myself it was not true. His attraction to her was a drug that filled his mind with a singular lustful pursuit. Sometimes I wish the parallel universe would open so he could see how bad life would have been had they gone on toward their lives together. It would have been a train wreck.
Give it time. I bet your H feels differently now. Tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity to process this with you.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
So far, yes is the answer.
The worst thing my H said during MC was when he was trying to explain his process shortly after dday and he said to the MC that I "didn't know what heartbreak really felt like, because I had never experienced it." He meant this in reference to his heartbreak over losing the OW. I almost threw up in the office. How could he say such a thing to the most heartbroken person he had undoubtedly ever laid eyes on - me.
It really makes me worried that he's too stupid for me. Genuinely. Who would be stupid enough to say something like that?
Well, when I look at infatuation vs. love (like the chart we were directed to in this thread), it helps a lot.
It helps me to view what they had as an addiction, and NOW my H can relate it exactly the same way. It still hurts, because the addiction is to another woman, but I try to think of it as the chemical brain process. This helps me because I can relate a little. There are times at night when the only way I can fall asleep is to fantasize about a fictional man who is all the things I wish my H had been, who rescues me, passionately cares about me and takes care of me. I know it's not a real healthy thing and it's not what I want in real life at all. Yet, it still helps me, it's like getting a little fix of 'easy' or something.
APs are nothing. Remember that this is all the issue of the WS. And, at 11 months out, we have survived that unbelievable pain and deafening scream of our spouses having 'loved' someone else.
Also, just FYI, in the early months, during PMS each month, I felt sure that his professed 'love' for the OW was more than I could ever handle and that I would have to file for D immediately. Just want you to know that it's normal to feel like that. I chose to 'not divorce' for a year in order to give time to feelings, and I am very grateful that I made that decision now.