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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how do you feel about your BS reading your post..
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I had to redo the title to my post for clarity.)

My BS reads my post. In the beginning I felt uncomfortable and defensive about it. Sometimes it actually made me reluctant to post. Now I welcome it as an opportunity to be open to her. It is a way for her to know my thoughts and feelings. We discuss what I have posted and sometimes we edit it together to help make my thoughts a lot clearer. It is one of the tools I discovered that can help in reconciliation and recovery. What has been your experience as a WS or a BS? Is it helping?

[This message edited by grains at 1:45 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Scorpio2310
♂ Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grains,

I could write the same thing. I felt uncomfortable at first, too. And I have had the same turn around in thinking as well. I'll post when I am not with her, then when I come home to my BSO I will read my post and she will then give her thoughts on it.

It is one of the tools I discovered that can help in reconciliation and recovery.

You are so right! My BSO says that it help her to know what is going on in my head, if I'm really working on recovering the relationship, and feel secure because I am being completely open with her.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to feel uncomfortable about it too and was reluctant to post. Now I assume she will read it sometime and use that fact as a way of expressing myself to her. Why not just tell her something, well I'm not quite there yet in my communication skills so the posts do provide a means of editing what I want to say.

Hope this is helpful

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
astudentoflife
♂ Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mind. I am honest with my BS. The only thing I wouldn't put here is when I am confused about things and it would look like I was trying to blame her for something. I keep those type of things for my councilor and work through them to get to the real truth, rather than post something that may hurt my BS.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what the others have said...it made me uncomfortable at first, but I know it was helpful to him cuz he could really get into my head and see what I was thinking and feeling.

I know that every couple of days he looks to see what I post and we will usually discuss it....what i wrote and felt and then the reactions/responses from others.

I think it has been beneficial to us and kinda wish he would post more often but I know he isn't as comfortable with it as I am.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 869 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's nice to see my WS post. It sometimes helps me understand what sort of pain she is going through.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2013
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned from other posts like this that it can help the healing process for BS to read these posts and private journals, etc.

The honest response though is I have no feelings about it because I have no idea if my BS reads my posts or not, I have no idea if she reads my journal or not - and I want to keep it that way.

The important thing for me IS SHE CAN IF SHE WANTS TO. She has access to everything. So if it helps now or maybe in the future if it could help, etc. she knows where it all is.

I want her to have everything and then use her own judgement with her IC on what is helpful to her process.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be uncomfortable that H was reading my posts, and I would leave things out that I thought would be awkward. Now, I kind of like it. It gives him another view into my thinking process, and I have stopped trying to shield him, even if I'm worried it will be painful. He has told me that he wants honesty, even if it's difficult.

I read a lot of his posts too; sometimes things are easier to write than to say out loud.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 8:45 PM, January 10th (Friday)]


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you all tell your BS that you were joining? I told my wife that I joined, but I also told her (truthfully) that I was joining for a couple reasons:

1. To get my story out and vent with others who are going through something similar (which seems incredibly selfish but is true)

2. I am REALLY hoping that what I have been through can help someone else. Whether it's whether to tell the truth, how to open up, or just to vent, I want someone besides just me to benefit from the second chance I've been given.

I asked before about how you told them, because when I told my wife, she didn't seem the least bit interested. I would welcome her reading my posts if she wished to, but she hasn't shown any interest - so I'm not pushing it.

Cheers to you all.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH was on SI before I was. I wanted to stay on separate sites, so we wouldn't read each other's posts, but I had a lot of trouble finding a board for WS's. after a few weeks, we decided it would be ok to inhabit the same board, and I think it's turned out to be a good thing.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 9:43 PM, January 10th (Friday)]


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was my BS that introduced me to SI. I was really not open to this site in the beginning. I started using it reluctantly. I did not realize it's value. It has been almost 3 years and it is only now that I fully understand its benefit as group therapy if used properly. I am very grateful for this. I have also seen how it can be unhelpful in that some do not go beyond self-validation and never begin to enter into a respectful relationship with their partner towards reconciliation. It is a difficult task and not everyone succeeds. Thank you for your responses. It is inspiring to know that we share a common experience in this. What truly touches me are the different ways each of you experience it and how you carry your work of reconciliation. Please keep sending your thoughts.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too was brought here by my BH. I've told him I want him to read my posts. Maybe it will help, but more importantly I don't want to "hide" anything. If I can tell you, I should be able to tell him.

It's something all of this mess has taught me. It's still hard, but I'm hoping this helps.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 407 | Registered: Dec 2013
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you all tell your BS that you were joining?

I never told my BS I was joining, but since the registration and private messages send to my email account she could see I joined. Sortof one of those weird transparency things where we never discussed it because of NC, but she knows everything because she has my email.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Prayingforhope
I hope she is reading your posts. I am not really sure if the NC you have with your BS is helpful when it comes to positive efforts at reconciliation. Was it suggested by your MC?


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 14

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