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Newest Member: hewaseverything (44947)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to Say?
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSO and I are attempting reconciliation. DDay for me was 12-22-2013 when I was informed by a friend my WSO was sleeping with someone else for 5 mo. It's been about three weeks since I found out and needless to say, rollercoaster of emotions is an understatement. He and I have been together for 5 years. For the life of me I couldnt/cannot understand why he did what he did.

WSO takes full responsibility for it. He understands why he did it, but does not understand why he let it go on for so long. He's seeking IC. I've already started my IC, and then we will do Couples Therapy. He definitely "seems" to have a totally new outlook on the relationship and most importantly himself. He states that the A was him lying to himself entirely, and believing a lie. OW was also in a relationship and did some lying of her own. She wanted my WSO so bad that even after I found out and he blocked her number she tried to go through internet games to contact him. Her BSO contacted my WSO angrily with threats and then her BSO was told the lies she was telling. Karma at it's finest.

In the meantime, my parents, siblings, and close friends know what happened. I have a very tight knit family. We see another almost every weekend, and to avoid all the questions about "Where's WSO" I decided to send a rather vague message to the fam letting them know he and I were no longer together, and please to respect my privacy during this time. THey've been great about it.

There's still friends who do not know about nor what happened, and im afraid to see them because I dont want to have to think about what happened or tell them what happened.

What is the best way to approach this subject with a friend or family member who asks about WSO without outting the situation and still leaving room for reconciliation without being questioned?

Next, coming back from this, I spoke to my father last night about WSO and I reconciling and he seems to be understanding. My other family members may not be so much.

How do you come back from this? How do you approach the people that do know with "Hey Im giving WSO another chance"?


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
fromaztowa
♀ New Member
Member # 41880
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My family really struggled with it, especially when we married within six months of R. I was direct, and told those who expressed complaints to "deal with it". Now that we are 11 years out from DD, my family adores him and our marriage.

They will get over it, in many cases if your Wayward is truly remorseful and demonstrably shows their love and caring for you to the world.


ME: BGF/ now his DW
HIM: WBF/now my DH
Kids: 4
DD: 06/02 - on vacation in another state without me. R 09/02. Married 2003.
“He was a terrible boyfriend, but he is a wonderful husband”. - me

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response fromaztowa. I can definitely see my family having a hard time with it.

Do you think maybe im R to soon? It's only been 3 weeks. Is this something I should be making WSO "work" for?

He definitely will need to rebuild the trust, but beyond that, should I be playing hard to get?

[This message edited by HealingSought at 8:25 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
fromaztowa
♀ New Member
Member # 41880
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if you're moving too soon, every situation is unique. I didn't play hard to get per say, but I did take care of myself and my emotions first.

I am a very open person, and I told my family what had happened. Part of it was the 30 pound weight loss that came with DDay, everyone wanted to know how I got so skinny so fast.

I took a huge chance in trusting DH again, and it worked out for me. We did have guidance from a psychologist and regular therapy, which helped so much.

Maybe taking a step back (doing the 180) and really focusing on what you need in life, what you need in a relationship, and what you need from him will help you feel like you're on the right path.


ME: BGF/ now his DW
HIM: WBF/now my DH
Kids: 4
DD: 06/02 - on vacation in another state without me. R 09/02. Married 2003.
“He was a terrible boyfriend, but he is a wonderful husband”. - me

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've spent far too long factoring in my WWs feelings and censoring my own. In MC we've discovered that WW already likely knows what I am feeling and has become resentful when I am not honest with her. To be blunt, we are where we are now due to the lack of honesty.... therefore, as to what to say I strongly suggest you be extremely honest. Stay kind but be bluntly honest.

If WSO says something you don't believe, say so.
Odds are that he knows you don't believe him anyway.
Likewise for any other outcome/feeling.

Also, express your feelings truthfully. Tell him you want to work on the relationship today, or you want to work just on yourself.. or if you need space. Etc.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the best way to approach this subject with a friend or family member who asks about WSO without outting the situation and still leaving room for reconciliation without being questioned?

((healingsought)), at 3 weeks in you are still reeling. I am sure you are sleep deprived too with thoughts running through your head every moment of the day. It is hard to be in the R stage right now bc of that. The best thing you can do right now is take care of you.

To answer your question. You don't have to tell anyone, anything. Last year at this time when a friend asked me how H was I would say, "great. He's busy." and then change the subject. You am greatly relieved that I did not tell anyone on my street. One friend who lives around the corner knows and that is enough.

My sister, cousin and bf were the first to know. They were not even close to being ready to see/speak to my H 3 months from D-Day and I respected this. They didn't see what he was doing to repair and rebuild. They could only take my word that things were difficult but he was trying.

But after time - TIME - they followed my lead. Same with my parents. We told them this past summer. My H apologized to them bc he deceived them during his A. They hugged him. There were some tears. But again, they followed my lead. I told them that if he had not shown remorse. Had he not done everything to repair/rebuild on a CONSISTENT basis, we would not be together.

Incidentally, at 13 months my bf is still not ready to see him. This is hugely disappointing to me but something I need to accept.

At this point, you need to take care of you. He needs to keep owning it, going to counseling and doing a lot of introspection. After the Affair is an excellent book for both of you to read.

He understands why he did it, but does not understand why he let it go on for so long.


My H had a two year PA. At 13 months there are still no answers as to why or how he could let it go on this long. But my reasons....It was easy. It was fun. It was an escape.

I have come to accept this.

Good luck to you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ask if it's too early for R. I offer the following for your consideration:

I think you'd be better off if you just work on your relationship for a while. If your WSO shows he's really committed to doing the work of R, you can commit, too, with some sense of safety.

For me, trusting my W to be all-in for R right after D-Day was too much of a stretch. I worked on our M - that means I did everything that helped R and my own healing, but if it turned out my W wasn't all in, I could back out with a little less pain.

BTW, our D-Day was 12/22/10. R is going well. Maybe it's a good date.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:59 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10085 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
HealingSought
♀ New Member
Member # 41795
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses everyone.

fromaztowa Im a very open person too...which in these sorts of cases may not be a great thing because even once I forgive him I see my lived ones may not have. How did you go about finding the courage to trust him again?

LA44 yes...you are mostly right. Im trying to get back to my normal eating routine after three weeks of eating once daily...it's all I could stomach. Today I start back at my dance classes and I have my second ICE session tomorrow. Im making bounds at moving forward.

sisoon That makes perfect sense.

How did you all go about learning to "accept" the A and moving forward...getting past the point where the thoughts ruin your WHOLE day?


Me BGF
Him WBF:
Together: 5 years
DDay 12-22-2013
A-5 months

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 8

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