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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: trust issues and our future
burntandtorn
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's something I'm really really struggling with.

I have always had a lack of trust. FOO issues (mom was a ww) combined with my wifes drunken behavior (poor boundries, touchy-feely with other men) really caused issues with me.

This drove my wife nuts. She told me she felt controlled and I can see that. While some of it may have been justified (when drinking was involved), I'm sure I was a bit overbearing.

However, now that I've found out that she has had 2 ONS while I thought things were going well, I just don't even know what to think about our future.

How can I ever treat her in a trustful way? I fear that we're just going down a path that will lead to both of us going insane. She'll feel smothered and I'll be terrified all the time.

I've brought this up with her and she says we just need to take it a day at a time and see what happens. While I agree, I can't help but ruminate on this ... obsessively.

[This message edited by burntandtorn at 9:43 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust may never be what she can deal with. I will never trust my W the same again. A new level of transparency will be needed to build trust over time. My W knows I will never get to the same trust level of her again. This is part of the consequences of her A. It's up to her if she is willing to be in a M that has that level of transparency. If she doesn't, that is fine, see ya. I will no longer sacrifice my safety and sanity for her insecurity and need for autonomy. If you ever hear that shit about being controlled tell her you have no control, her ONS proved it. Your just making sure your heart is safe. If she doesn't like it she is free to leave.
See one of the parts of recovery from this shit is you have to get to the point you don't need the marriage, you have to choose it freely. I can say with no equivocation, I am not going to be married to a woman who thinks I am controlling her. But that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my safety to be married either. We both have choices. I WILL exercise mine if need be.
LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:54 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((burntandtorn)))

This is where when we say R isn't for the weak of knee or the faint of heart. IT's HARD HARD stuff.

Ok so you realize you have FOO issues, and that is a start. What are you doing to overcome those, and understand them?

Your wife has some serious issues too, and what is she doing to overcome, understand and heal from them?

My point is it takes hard work from both of you to get to a point where you are able to trust again, and you may never be able to blindly trust again, and honestly you shouldn't. She needs to understand that as well. She has to have some inkling of what you have gone through and had to deal with from her betrayal, and your moms.

DO NOT allow her to give you the whole, I won't be babysat, your smothering me, You are so overbearing crap. NOPE she is not allowed to play that card.

YOU have every right to be completely honest with her, that you do NOT trust her now, and she knows exactly why. You have every right to see her phone, her email, hear her converstations, the only room for privacy in a M is for taking a poop, and MAYBE around your birthday. THAT IS IT.

She's touchy feely, and that makes you uncomfortable, and that is understandable. So does she get that? Is she trying to change that? If so great. If not what are you willing to tolerate?

Part of healing is acceptance. Acceptance that you CANNOT control her, you CANNOT force her to not drink, you CANNOT force her to not flirt, you CANNOT force her to have remorse. SHE has to do that. She has to do that for her.
The funny thing is when she does start doing those things, and those things are heartfelt and true, and real, the obsession slowly fades away. When the real changes are made, and the relationship starts to heal, she won't care that you feel the need to watch every move, because she isn't doing anything questionable. As a result you see her not doing those things and you slowly being to adjust and trust a tiny bit, and a bit more, and abit more.
One day you realize hey I haven't obsessed on this all day, week, month. It is quite freeing. But it takes a combination of hard work from both of you, real change from her, and TIME. Lots and lots of time.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
burntandtorn
♂ New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so you realize you have FOO issues, and that is a start. What are you doing to overcome those, and understand them?

this one really sucks. I was actively working on behaving in a more trustful manner to her when these ONS happened.

YOU have every right to be completely honest with her, that you do NOT trust her now, and she knows exactly why. You have every right to see her phone, her email, hear her converstations, the only room for privacy in a M is for taking a poop, and MAYBE around your birthday. THAT IS IT.

She's touchy feely, and that makes you uncomfortable, and that is understandable. So does she get that? Is she trying to change that? If so great. If not what are you willing to tolerate?

She knows things are different now. She's being completely transparent. But I'm realistic in thinking that in the future, this could be an issue.

She's making plans to see an IC. We're already in MC.

Part of healing is acceptance. Acceptance that you CANNOT control her, you CANNOT force her to not drink, you CANNOT force her to not flirt, you CANNOT force her to have remorse. SHE has to do that. She has to do that for her.

We've butted heads over this with alcohol. I have told her that she needs to stop at a small amount on her own to make me feel safe.
She says that is me controlling her.
I disagree and think im asking her to set up a boundary on her own to show that our marriage is priority. Still kind of butting heads on this one.


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
Topic Posts: 4

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