I am so sad for you, but honestly? I am angry too.
Just when I think I have heard every nickname imaginable! They called themselves whaaaat? That must have been some kind of secret code malarky they had going.
I have not read your story or past posts, but in my own experience, my husband would clam up when my memory became sharpened. He was still lying and minimizing and couldn't remember what he had said in previous conversations. He was attempting to keep his cards close to his vest and recontact the OW when I "calmed down."
My husband did not WANT to talk, because he had nothing of significance to say and he didn't want any slip-ups coming out of his mouth.
Like Healing2012, my guy had at least one IC appointment under his belt and sneaked to talk with the OW anyway. Sigh. Just mind blowing to me, even now.
Even the therapist looked at him and screamed, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????
My husband was missing his hit on the affair pipe and was unwilling to stop talking to her. His reason? "I didn't want you to be the one in control." "I wanted to be able to stop on my own."
See what I mean? A hit on the affair pipe.
If he is cleaning his phone as you have said and not communicating with you sufficiently, then you are at best, in limbo...not R.
I agree with Sister...180 and start planning, because he needs to be pushed out of his comfort zone. Again, I am so sorry, but you don't have to be his silent partner in all of this.