WH had a talk last night.Last two nights Ive come home crying-first night I saw the OW and triggered, second night I looked the OW's kids up on Facebook and saw pictures of the OW and her family on vacation in Florida for Xmas all happy and wonderful. I got upset since she and my Wh ruined my life and broke my heart into a milliong pieces and she goes on like nothing has effected her. I am SO ANGRY.
I got more answers: they only had sex in break room,he was never naked only his member,never saw her naked, never saw the crotchless panties she wore to work the one day,he ACCIDENTALLY said he loved her one day because he was used to saying it to me, but didnt mean it and would text that to her but with no meaning. They had sex 6 times, gave her oral, SAID he had a hard time getting hard - she noticed and asked if he was having a hard time, and he said yes...he told me it was because she wasnt me. Not sure if I believe that. He had a hard time cumming. She cuddled him and tried to hold his hand but he didn cuddle back. He cant remember if she was shaven or not - obviously a lie. He said he never found her attractive. so on .
He BLAMES me for the A or at least part. He said I was being SOOOOO mean and horrible.He doesnt think I realize. He didnt like coming home, and I was mean to everyone and didnt want to spend any time with anyone. HE said that if I WERENT so mean, the Affair wouldnt have happened. He blames me for part.
I told him that I accept marriage problems but not one part of the A.
We got into it, him saying HE WAS sorry and did feel GUILT but not now. It was a year ago...and I should be over it, and moving on, and he bets that the OW and her BH are getting along fine and moving to teh future. He says I can come home crying and tell him about it IF its not about the A.
He doesnt care about how I am feeling. He says it will never happen again, because he now knows that it was a mistake. He says he never thinks of her. And that I make up all these crazy scernarios in my head about what I think the A was, and it was NOT. It was just sex.
I told him out hurt I was, and how he gave away soemthing about us that I thought very special. He thinks that thing was stupid.
I am so hurt.He is not remorseful, not anymore at least, he wants me to be over it and moving on. I am so hurt and I cried on the way into work. He kisses me and I love his kisses but I think of him and the OW and I hurt so bad. Im so angry at the OW and I hate her so much, and the fact that she is getting to go on with her life after ruining mine is killing me. My anger is consuming me, and my sadness is too. I feel myself slipping into that dark hole again. I am having a hard time finding any happiness in my life anymore and I can feel dangerous thoughts creeping in my head again (example today I thought if wreck and die in a car crash this morning it wouldnt be such a bad thing). I am so severly hurt, and sad. Sadness like Ive never experienced before, and I feel very alone.
My best friend isnt who I thought he was, and Im not sure if he loves me the same. Last night before the talk he claimed that he loves me more than I love him, I told him that couldnt possibly be true, after the A and me staying, but he said Ive been acting different, distant.
I just dont know what to do.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that you were heard.
I am so sad and hurt and feeling very alone.
SAID he had a hard time getting hard - she noticed and asked if he was having a hard time, and he said yes...he told me it was because she wasnt me. Not sure if I believe that. He had a hard time cumming. She cuddled him and tried to hold his hand but he didn cuddle back. He cant remember if she was shaven or not - obviously a lie. He said he never found her attractive.
It was just sex.
do not make sense. I'm so sorry you are going through this. What are you going to do about it?
Well now Im sitting at work and all I can think about is my WH and the OW having sex in the break room at work, worried people would hear them.
I am so sad and hurt and feeling very alone.
You'll continue to feel that way until he really shows you how sorry he is. He can tell you whatever he wants, and it won't make a damn bit of difference. He's a liar and a cheat so what he says isn't worth anything. His words mean absolutely nothing. He's clearly not showing you what you need. You have some difficult decisions to make for yourself.
I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental. I have struggled personally with feeling guilt over the choices my WW made and accepting blame when it wasn't mine to accept. That was a pattern in my relationship pre-A as well and one positive outcome of this whole mess is that I've identified that flawed thinking and am working on it in IC. Once I put down the responsibility for the A, my WW and I had a bunch of conversations where I tried to debate her into agreeing with me. That wasn't very successful.
I can tell you that for me it was very affirming to my self-esteem and self-worth to change how I thought about responsibility. While you cant force your husband to accept responsibility or have empathy (which also sounds like a real issue for you), I promise that laying down that responsibility yourself will help your personal recovery.
I wish you the best and again, hope I didn't come across as judgmental or preachy because that's not the intent. Also, some of his details about the sex are bullshit...for whatever that's worth.
He can't remember if she was shaven or not, but he gave her oral sex? Yeah....not buying it.
It was just sex, but he had a difficult time?? Again, not buying it.
He's lying, minimizing, blame shifting and absolutely NOT remorseful at all. He won't allow you to talk about it? FTG. Seriously. I would do a major 180 and work on healing YOU.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
My BF did the same thing, claimed he didn't remember certain details, but could remember others. It's just their way of trying to make them seem like less of an asshole. Funny thing is he doesn't get that I'd would have respected him a lot more if he just told me the whole truth in the beginning rather than TT for 3 months!
The fact that he KNOWS the truth and isn't telling you is the worst...no? It was for me. I cannot stand that selfishness!
For him to blame you for the affair is just wrong, and not true at all. It has nothing to do with you. And like SamanthaBaker said, even if you were a mean rotten person, it STILL doesn't excuse his cheating. Nothing does. He's to blame, not you!
[This message edited by 4everfaithful83 at 7:10 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013