SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Wife had a one night stand last night
Hello. Sadly until an hour ago I didn't know this site existed, and the fact that I'm typing this kind of thing seems completely XXXXing ridiculous.
My wife and I have been together for 17 years, since we were at university, and we have been married for seven of those (unbelievable, eh?).
We have always had an unbelievably good relationship, to the point that as recently as around a year ago, two different friends of ours (in separate relationships) pointed out to me on the same night that the we should be proud as our relationship was so much better than their and everyone else's respective ones.
However, in the past year or so, things have actually gotten slightly (though I thought THAT much) worse, as she wants to have a child and I'm not bothered. Nevertheless, we have been trying for the past year.
My wife can be quite temperamental when drunk and when we went out over Christmas (and had a really nice night), while really drunk, she decided to lapse into listing problems with our relationship and said she thought we needed counselling. We can get quite frustrated with each other and bicker, but we're not really prone to actual full blown arguments and things are always resolved pretty quickly (they're never things that fester over night, or require us to sleep separately, etc). I, however, acquiesced to try counselling, though my point was that, now that she had aired this, maybe we should try resolving things ourselves before we did that.
This convo gave me a bit of a kick up the arse (I can be quite grumpy and impatient with my wife sometimes) and things have been noticeably better for the past few weeks (we have delayed the counselling idea for now and it seemed to be working). We went out in London on NYE on our own all night and had a great time, and two days ago my wife got in from work and we had spontaneous sex in the hallway (not something that would happen that often). A week ago we put down £500 on a dream holiday (not in any way related to trying to sort problems or anything - we matter of factly booked a holiday).
Anyway, my wife went out on a work do last night and texted late (while I was asleep) to say she had missed her train home and was going to stay overnight in the hotel where the work do was/she had a training course next day, as work were paying. I thought this was a bit strange, but as we're married and (I thought) in a good relationship, I got on with my day.
She got in at 6pm tonight (five hours ago) and immediately told me she had been up drinking until 5am. She fell off her seat and when she got up to go back to her room, a colleague (divorced, one child) said he'd walk her back to her room. Not quite sure how the next bit came about but they then had unprotected sex and slept in the same room for whatever remained of the night, then walked to their conference together. She has taken the morning after pill.
We have talked about it but I don't know what their really is to say. I'm being very calm about it and she is being very apologetic and can't look me in the eye, though isn't too keen to fess up to the reasons she did it. Basically, 'I was drunk, I've ruined everything and I'm sorry.' I did at one point get her to acknowledge that she chose to do it and that it must have been because she wanted to have sex with him. She told me as soon as she got home and keeps asking me if I want to stay together (as she does). I've told her I don't think it's fair to ask me at this point. She has said (unprompted) that she will quit her job and drinking.
At first I felt numb and after a cursory disscussion I walked off and eventually cried briefly twice. Then we had a proper longer conversation.
She's now in the spare room and I'm sat here typing this. The problem is that I literally don't know what to do with myself. I've got a horrible feeling that I'm going to sit here all night, what else do you do? Any kind of distraction seems inconsequential and pointless, and it feels like this void will go on for some time if we try and make a go of things.
I'm truly pissed off with her, but I never pictured myself as a divorcee living in a shared house in my late 30s; though nor did I picture myself in a marriage with someone who would do something that sh1t to me. The question I guess is what do I do now? And I mean NOW? She wants to talk but I don't know what there really is to say.
I don't really want to call a friend and land this sh1tpie in their lap (and it's too late now), and part of me thinks I should get drunk but I'm not sure that's a great idea either.
I love my wife, but most of my thoughts at the moment seem to be about the painful logistics of selling the house and the brand new car we got three months ago (great!) which doesn't to me seem like a good sign. However, the idea of starting again with someone else who isn't my wife isn't appealing either.
[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 6:05 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know that you have been heard.
But, uh, was it truly consensual??
Yes, and I'm not deluding myself into thinking otherwise. Haven't really gone into the details of what happened. Think we need to talk about this but don't really want to hear about it right now. Am guessing this is a common feeling...
1) Sorry to ask that, had to. Being drunk did not cause her to cheat. I'm so sorry.
2) Read the Healing Library (box in the top left of the screen). Wiser people will be along to give you advice.
In the meantime, don't feel pressured to do anything. You don't have to talk to her right now. But if you do, she has to talk to you. You also don't (and really shouldn't) make a decision any time soon about your marriage.
Really no need to apologise and thanks for the advice. Hope you're good too.
[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 6:55 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
Obviously she needs to get tested for STD's and its important to make this situation as unpleasant as possible for her to prevent a future reoccurrence. If you rugsweep this cheating with quick forgiveness, then a repeat is on the cards.
In my FWH's adultery I asked him to leave the bedroom and sleep alone for 6 months as well as getting tested. No sex obviously.
The point is I made it a throughly horrible disaster for him too by turning his world upside down as well as mine.
Tell you wife you are seriously considering separation and you don't whether your marriage has a future. It may not be accurate but its part of shaking your WW's security. Also cancel plans to have children for a few years, until most of the trust comes back, and take someone else on holiday; leave your wife at home. Your wife might be upset at not having children right now, but thats the consequence of cheating - loss of trust.
Hi, have already agreed to STD checks and a pregnancy test. Agreed that the issue of a baby (which I think is really behind all this, first real schism we've had in our general relationship in 17 years) is now off the table. Which makes it all the more ridiculous on her part, as she was the one pushing for it, and as she's 38 soon, this could be the end of it for good.
Threatening to leave not a problem as it's how I feel, am trying to be rational and calm now while it sinks in though. Immediate problem, I think, is going to be getting through life with minimal sleep. Never thought I'd be the kind of person that ends up in therapy and on tablets.
(Re holiday, hilariously we've booked to go away with my brother and his girlfriend, and literally this evening they've been Facebooking me saying that we need to sort accommodation by tomorrow and to get back asap. I am yet to respond.)
It's probably safe to say you're in shock right now. You're right, you'll be up all night tonight. You're thought process is going to be impaired for a little while. Its best not to make any life changing decisions at this point.
It sounds like your WW is remorseful, and that's good. You don't have to deal with a WW who thinks she's in love with a POS and blames you for it.
You will survive this. Your going to be all right. It may take a little while to get there but your life will improve and will become normal again. You may even be able to save your marriage. That parts going be hard, but it is possible. We'll try to help you as best we can. There are alot of folks here with similar experiences who will able to guide you on the road ahead. Keep posting, drink lots or water, eat when you can (try meal replacement drinks), don't use alcohol to try and relax.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:52 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
Don't know whether you are as willing to start a family at your age anyway, but I agree that your wife was incredibly stupid to cheat. Now you have a very legitimate excuse to delay pregnancy for a few years based on the need to reestablish trust. Don't want the stress of babies and a cheating wife. Given her age you might want to cancel plans to start a family anyway.
What was she trying to do, conceive a child with the OM given it wasn't happening with you? Not too drunk to agree to sex and put the marriage in dire peril; what else was going through her mind? She needs to be honest and give her reasons for cheating.
One small positive point from this terrible thing that has happened to you is that she confessed (or did i read that wrong?).
Your old marriage is dead. You have to make the choice between starting a new one with your wife or leaving. The fact that she confessed to you means that you have a much greater chance of reconciliation in my opinion.
However, this does not excuse her behavior. She chose to cheat. She decided to list all the faults in your relationship presumably to justify her hooking up with the coworker.
This is what I would do, if i was in your position:
1) Tell her to write down what happened.
2) Then threaten her with a polygraph. If she refuses, then I'm afraid there is a lot more to the story. You do not physically have to take her to a polygraph - you are just looking for her reaction.
3) Ask her to tell her mother what she has done. This is not to humiliate her!! This is a consequence for her betraying you and shining a light on her affair.
4) Go to a Lawyer to see your options and start protecting yourself in terms of finances etc.
For many people, infidelity is a deal breaker. There is nothing wrong with moving on from this. However, unlike the vast majority of the depressing stories here, at least she confessed to you. Admittedly it is like being robbed and then finding $5 on the street, but it is a small positive.
You do not have to make a life changing choice right now, but do not allow her off the hook for betraying you. This does not mean that you should start shouting and humiliating her, but rather that she is responsible for what has happened.
It is OK to feel like shit right now. Come here and vent as much as you want.
My thoughts are with you.
Hi TWM. Welcome.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Unless you think you would like to go on the vacation regardless of current circumstances, I think you should tell your brother that an emergency has come up, and that if at all possible, could he find another couple that might be willing to take the place of you and your wife for the vacation.
Don't even try to go. You will be miserable, and that in turn will make it miserable for your brother and his GF also.
I can't tell you how many similar stories I have heard here on SI of couples going thru with vacations that had already been planned, and being completely and utterly miserable the entire time.
Way too soon for you right now to an and worry about the future. Hell, a month out is too soon.
Review the Tactical Primer thread, the 180D thread, and only focus on you. Eat, sleep, and so on. Visit the healing library.
Get tested forbSTD's. Ask anyone here on SI. All cheaters seem to do and say all the same things, such as: "i need space", "I love you but im not in live with you", trickle truth, gas lighting, multiple D-days, false reconciliation, lies, lies, and more lies.
Be ready for ANYTHING, if she said it was a one night stand, be prepaired to one day learn that they been seeing each other for a year and so on.
I love the 180D. Best thing ever. Read the rules. Live them. Implement the 180D as soon as you are strong.
Do not limbo please. Leave her or R. If she bull shits you, leave. One way or another 180D her ass.
This is very soon. I was cool and calm for about a week. I was very proud of myself, until the debilitating panic attacks and anxiety hit me. I had to be heavily medicated for about 4 months.
Dont ignore triggers or obsessions, but dont let them consume you either. There is no avoiding or going around your feelings. Go through them. You are your own worse enemy right now, so be gentle with your self.
Good luck. We are here for you.
[This message edited by PRNDL at 10:26 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
Thank you all for your help. Much appreciated and without it, all this would be the same thoughts going around in circles in my head endlessly.
One of things I have learnt from here is this could be worse. As said, she confessed straight away and it was one night stand, not an affair. I have every reason to believe her about this, as firstly she doesn't normally sleep away from home at short notice, so I don't know when else it would have happened, and secondly she came in and told me straight away. If this had been an ongoing relationship, not sure why she would blurt it out now. If she had come in and told me that she'd been out late and had to sleep over for work, I wouldn't have thought anything of it and that would have been that (ironically, the fact that we were open/trusting with each other, and don't try and dictate to each other, was always regarded by as being one of the fundamentals that made our relationship work well).
Re what to do now, my plan was to go alcohol-free for this month (as, ironically, was hers!) and I am going to continue with that, as recommended on here. The next social engagement I have that 'requires' drinking is in early Feb, so am going to wait and see until then.
Today we obviously need to sit down and have a long discussion about what happened, what she was thinking and why. I really don't know how productive it will be to go into the grizzly specifics here. Any advice?
Not sure how else I'm going to fill the day, but my plan was to exercise and then do some work on our house. It would seem that being busy is a good thing, and as watching TV or reading feels inconsequential now, this seems like a good plan to carry on with (espec as we might need to sell the house soon!)
If there is a checklist or procedure to this, it seems like the other things to do are:
Set up STD/pregnancy tests
Book myself in for counselling (although I don't mind sharing my feelings, I don't regard myself as being a particularly 'pro-counselling' person. However, I've seen it recommended and am
prepared to give it a go with an open mind)
Also, not sure who else I can talk to - don't feel like telling a friend
Set up counselling for us (I might leave this a few days as the advice seems to be to be non-commital about the way ahead for a few days)
If I'm honest, seeing a lawyer or getting polygraph test both seem a little extreme at this stage
All in all, this all feels like treading water while I/we wait and see how we feel when the dust settles. The worrying thing is that if she has told me things were going to sh1t before this happened, I feel like what's the point in trying to save it now that this has? And frankly, do I really want to have sex with her ever again knowing what's happened?
Thanks again for your support, really appreciated, and I hope you are all okay and are receiving advice as good as I have.
Regarding the grizzly details, everybody is different. Some need to know size, number of times, positions, etc. I got very little because I did not want to know---and I'm glad for it. Ask what YOU need when you need it. Just make sure in your mind that you truly do want to know. Also make sure you are not going to hear things simply because she want to get things off her chest.
Do you know the OM? Are you sure he is divorced? He may be divorced, but have a girlfriend,fiancee, or SO. If he does, they need to be told. They deserve to know the truth about the man they are involved with, and they need to be tested for STD's.
Im sorry you're here, but glad you found us. Welcome.
I agree with the posts about 180 and STD testing and such. I also want to tell you that this is NOT your fault at all. Get rest, eat, drink water, and take care of YOU!! Sorry you are here. Take care please!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
I do have a couple of thoughts for you.
First, there is no excuse for what you wife did. She does need to get to her "whys". And yes, this is going to be painful for you, no matter how it plays out. With that said, it seems like alcohol may have been one of the contributing factors here. She was falling down drunk. So, maybe she has a problem with alcohol abuse? It certainly was a problem that night.
Second, I have a few encouraging words that may or not be helpful. For context, I'd like to share a little bit of my story with you. Long story short, my ex wayward wife (XWW) had an emotional affair (EA) and a physical affair (PA) with her boss. Oddly, before I discovered the A, I imagined them on a business trip having a drunken ONS. I imagined almost exactly what just happened to you, including the next day remorse. One difference though, was that I imagined I never actually find out about it. In other words, my wife chose to never tell me. I then imagined our life continuing and our living happily ever after. I was able to imagine all of that and not be devastated or hurt by it, because I knew from my past experience that drunken ONS's can happen and most time mean nothing. The key is, what happens after the drunken ONS.
The encouraging part of that story for you is that your wife feels horrible about it. She is remorseful. She isn't blaming you for her actions. Yes, there are reasons it happened (beyond the alcohol) which she and you need to get to and understand, but it was a one-time, alcohol induced bad choice. If corrected, in my mind, it is totally forgivable (although no less painful, perhaps).
She may need to quit drinking. She may even need to change jobs. You and she can talk about these things. Personally, I would not want to know anything about the actual sex. Again, this is my opinion, based on personality, and I understand others are the exact opposite. I just know that I would be haunted by the images forever. You can choose to see it for what it was....very drunken, blathering quick, bad, non-intimate sex followed by passing out.
I would encourage you to try and take a deep breath and try to ratchet down your thinking regarding any major changes to your marriage situation right now. I just don't see the need for thinking about anything too dramatic happening, like moving,,selling things, separation, divorce, etc.
Instead, Assuming she is fully-vested and eager participating, I would try to concentrate on the things that do need to be addressed - her drinking, the conflict you and she have about whether or not to have children, her fully understanding why this happened and why it won't happen again, finding ways to rebuild and strengthen your love and of course -- your healing from this emotionally painful episode.
After reading thousands of posts on this terrific web site ( as a part of my healing process), I can tell you that 90% of the time I think the people involved should just get divorced. I think just the opposite in your situation. I see hope for even stronger love and a greater bond to develop, and that is my post-Christmas wish for you. Good luck to you, my friend.
...and as if that post wasn't long enough, I have more thing.
As deena04 said above, your wife's ONS is 100% on her. Why she did it has 0% to do with you. This is an important point. You can talk about your marriage in a shared responsibility way, but need to talk snout the ONS in a sole responsibility way.
Best to you.
I'm not sure the 180 is for you. The 180 is to detach from an unremorceful WW. In your case, communication and if you decide to reconcile, trust building are more important.
Am now going to call an amnesty on saying thanks, because if I do it after every time someone is amazing to me, we're not going to get anywhere... though having said that, particular thanks to Nomistakeaboutit - the last para reduced me to tears (again) both times I read it.
Right, progress. We got up this morning and spoke again properly. Turns out she spent most of the night doing the same as me - not sleeping and Googling this situation (one day all marriages will be like this).
She was more honest this time and basically said that though the reason why she ended up staying over at the hotel was because everyone else was doing it and work were paying, that the reason she ended up staying up late drinking must have been because she wanted something like this to happen. She also admitted that she had sex because she wanted to and that once she started, she didn't think about anything else (i.e. me, implications, etc). We didn't go into details, and she said she could remember bits of it.
She said she read online that what she is doing is apparently well recognisd behaviour (she referred to herself as a cliche). I don't know if this is true as haven't Googled that side of it, but said that once women get everything they want (we're married, have relatively recently bought a bigger 4 bedroom house, are trying for a baby and booked an expensive long haul holiday - all things she has pushed for, though I wouldn't want to say that I have resisted any, bar perhaps the children thing at first, though we were still trying for a year), they then get restless and want more. And she said that this was how she has been feeling, and used the phrase 'self-destructive'. I don't think the fact that some people want to be marrried and still have sex with other people should be a shock to anyone, let alone on here. I also don't think that this is by any means a female attitude (!), though I pointed out that on two occasions when I've been drunk and women have made a move on me, I started waving my wedding ring around and talking about my wife.
Anyway, her attitude was 100% remorse. She apologised, told me she loved me repeatedly and that she wanted to stay together; cried so much she was making a fairly inhuman noise at one point; agreed to tests, not drinking any more etc; and referred to herself as an 'evil person' and a 'slut'. This was quite hard, as my reaction normally would be to hug her, but I refused and didn't reciprocate on the love part (or the insults for that matter).
I asked if she would tell me if the other guy contacts her. Apparently she was pretty upset in the morning and he texted 'are you okay?" to her work phone last night as he doesn't have her personal number. She said she deleted it immediately and will swing it so they don't have to work together again (they both work in multiple locations).
Anyway, we get to a standstill and I told her that there was nothing left to do apart from wait for the dust to settle, then I can make a decision, then we can see about councilling, etc. She was planning to go to a friend's, get some space and talk it out with her - though her original hope was that she'd stay and go to the cinema or something and try to move on together (I told her this was not going to happen!). I told her I wasn't going to kick her out (she has nowhere to go once work starts again on Monday as our friends are a distance away), but that if she did stay, all I could see was us sitting in different rooms not speaking to each other (as it's all been said for now). After about two attempts and more tears, she finally left to go to her friend's and is coming back tomorrow night so we can talk again before we both go back to work. When the door shut, the only way to describe it as that my heart broke in two and I cried for a couple of minutes. She immediately texted 'I love you' to both my phones, which I was tempted to reply to but ignored.
I was pretty f*cking low here, but this was a bit of a turning point, as I realised that I couldn't sit here on my own for over 24 hours, so I ate some soup, went for a walk around the park, and rang a mate to arrange to go and meet for a pint and to watch the football in a couple of hours. I managed to conduct this conversation without letting anything on, so I'm pretty sure I can hold it all together later if I have to. Once I'd 'achieved' all this, I texted my wife 'I know, don't worry about me in the meantime, I'm not going to do anything stupid x'. I didn't know whether to, but she was concerned about me being alone, so I thought the least I could do was reassure her that she won't be coming home to a corpse. She texted back more apologies, I love yous, etc.
None of this is ideal (obviously!), but I feel that I wouldn't have gone for a walk or arranged to meet friends if she hadn't gone. Anyway, I'm going to go for a swim, I feel (comparatively) better now and we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Thanks again all.
[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 9:08 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]