[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 6:05 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
But, uh, was it truly consensual??
2) Read the Healing Library (box in the top left of the screen). Wiser people will be along to give you advice.
In the meantime, don't feel pressured to do anything. You don't have to talk to her right now. But if you do, she has to talk to you. You also don't (and really shouldn't) make a decision any time soon about your marriage.
[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 6:55 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
In my FWH's adultery I asked him to leave the bedroom and sleep alone for 6 months as well as getting tested. No sex obviously.
The point is I made it a throughly horrible disaster for him too by turning his world upside down as well as mine.
Tell you wife you are seriously considering separation and you don't whether your marriage has a future. It may not be accurate but its part of shaking your WW's security. Also cancel plans to have children for a few years, until most of the trust comes back, and take someone else on holiday; leave your wife at home. Your wife might be upset at not having children right now, but thats the consequence of cheating - loss of trust.
Threatening to leave not a problem as it's how I feel, am trying to be rational and calm now while it sinks in though. Immediate problem, I think, is going to be getting through life with minimal sleep. Never thought I'd be the kind of person that ends up in therapy and on tablets.
It's probably safe to say you're in shock right now. You're right, you'll be up all night tonight. You're thought process is going to be impaired for a little while. Its best not to make any life changing decisions at this point.
It sounds like your WW is remorseful, and that's good. You don't have to deal with a WW who thinks she's in love with a POS and blames you for it.
You will survive this. Your going to be all right. It may take a little while to get there but your life will improve and will become normal again. You may even be able to save your marriage. That parts going be hard, but it is possible. We'll try to help you as best we can. There are alot of folks here with similar experiences who will able to guide you on the road ahead. Keep posting, drink lots or water, eat when you can (try meal replacement drinks), don't use alcohol to try and relax.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:52 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
What was she trying to do, conceive a child with the OM given it wasn't happening with you? Not too drunk to agree to sex and put the marriage in dire peril; what else was going through her mind? She needs to be honest and give her reasons for cheating.
Your old marriage is dead. You have to make the choice between starting a new one with your wife or leaving. The fact that she confessed to you means that you have a much greater chance of reconciliation in my opinion.
However, this does not excuse her behavior. She chose to cheat. She decided to list all the faults in your relationship presumably to justify her hooking up with the coworker.
This is what I would do, if i was in your position:
1) Tell her to write down what happened.
2) Then threaten her with a polygraph. If she refuses, then I'm afraid there is a lot more to the story. You do not physically have to take her to a polygraph - you are just looking for her reaction.
3) Ask her to tell her mother what she has done. This is not to humiliate her!! This is a consequence for her betraying you and shining a light on her affair.
4) Go to a Lawyer to see your options and start protecting yourself in terms of finances etc.
For many people, infidelity is a deal breaker. There is nothing wrong with moving on from this. However, unlike the vast majority of the depressing stories here, at least she confessed to you. Admittedly it is like being robbed and then finding $5 on the street, but it is a small positive.
You do not have to make a life changing choice right now, but do not allow her off the hook for betraying you. This does not mean that you should start shouting and humiliating her, but rather that she is responsible for what has happened.
It is OK to feel like shit right now. Come here and vent as much as you want.
My thoughts are with you.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Unless you think you would like to go on the vacation regardless of current circumstances, I think you should tell your brother that an emergency has come up, and that if at all possible, could he find another couple that might be willing to take the place of you and your wife for the vacation.
Don't even try to go. You will be miserable, and that in turn will make it miserable for your brother and his GF also.
I can't tell you how many similar stories I have heard here on SI of couples going thru with vacations that had already been planned, and being completely and utterly miserable the entire time.
Review the Tactical Primer thread, the 180D thread, and only focus on you. Eat, sleep, and so on. Visit the healing library.
Get tested forbSTD's. Ask anyone here on SI. All cheaters seem to do and say all the same things, such as: "i need space", "I love you but im not in live with you", trickle truth, gas lighting, multiple D-days, false reconciliation, lies, lies, and more lies.
Be ready for ANYTHING, if she said it was a one night stand, be prepaired to one day learn that they been seeing each other for a year and so on.
I love the 180D. Best thing ever. Read the rules. Live them. Implement the 180D as soon as you are strong.
Do not limbo please. Leave her or R. If she bull shits you, leave. One way or another 180D her ass.
This is very soon. I was cool and calm for about a week. I was very proud of myself, until the debilitating panic attacks and anxiety hit me. I had to be heavily medicated for about 4 months.
Dont ignore triggers or obsessions, but dont let them consume you either. There is no avoiding or going around your feelings. Go through them. You are your own worse enemy right now, so be gentle with your self.
Good luck. We are here for you.
[This message edited by PRNDL at 10:26 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
Thank you all for your help. Much appreciated and without it, all this would be the same thoughts going around in circles in my head endlessly.
One of things I have learnt from here is this could be worse. As said, she confessed straight away and it was one night stand, not an affair. I have every reason to believe her about this, as firstly she doesn't normally sleep away from home at short notice, so I don't know when else it would have happened, and secondly she came in and told me straight away. If this had been an ongoing relationship, not sure why she would blurt it out now. If she had come in and told me that she'd been out late and had to sleep over for work, I wouldn't have thought anything of it and that would have been that (ironically, the fact that we were open/trusting with each other, and don't try and dictate to each other, was always regarded by as being one of the fundamentals that made our relationship work well).
Re what to do now, my plan was to go alcohol-free for this month (as, ironically, was hers!) and I am going to continue with that, as recommended on here. The next social engagement I have that 'requires' drinking is in early Feb, so am going to wait and see until then.
Today we obviously need to sit down and have a long discussion about what happened, what she was thinking and why. I really don't know how productive it will be to go into the grizzly specifics here. Any advice?
Not sure how else I'm going to fill the day, but my plan was to exercise and then do some work on our house. It would seem that being busy is a good thing, and as watching TV or reading feels inconsequential now, this seems like a good plan to carry on with (espec as we might need to sell the house soon!)
If there is a checklist or procedure to this, it seems like the other things to do are:
Set up STD/pregnancy tests
Book myself in for counselling (although I don't mind sharing my feelings, I don't regard myself as being a particularly 'pro-counselling' person. However, I've seen it recommended and am
prepared to give it a go with an open mind)
Also, not sure who else I can talk to - don't feel like telling a friend
Set up counselling for us (I might leave this a few days as the advice seems to be to be non-commital about the way ahead for a few days)
If I'm honest, seeing a lawyer or getting polygraph test both seem a little extreme at this stage
All in all, this all feels like treading water while I/we wait and see how we feel when the dust settles. The worrying thing is that if she has told me things were going to sh1t before this happened, I feel like what's the point in trying to save it now that this has? And frankly, do I really want to have sex with her ever again knowing what's happened?
Thanks again for your support, really appreciated, and I hope you are all okay and are receiving advice as good as I have.
Im sorry you're here, but glad you found us. Welcome.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
I do have a couple of thoughts for you.
First, there is no excuse for what you wife did. She does need to get to her "whys". And yes, this is going to be painful for you, no matter how it plays out. With that said, it seems like alcohol may have been one of the contributing factors here. She was falling down drunk. So, maybe she has a problem with alcohol abuse? It certainly was a problem that night.
Second, I have a few encouraging words that may or not be helpful. For context, I'd like to share a little bit of my story with you. Long story short, my ex wayward wife (XWW) had an emotional affair (EA) and a physical affair (PA) with her boss. Oddly, before I discovered the A, I imagined them on a business trip having a drunken ONS. I imagined almost exactly what just happened to you, including the next day remorse. One difference though, was that I imagined I never actually find out about it. In other words, my wife chose to never tell me. I then imagined our life continuing and our living happily ever after. I was able to imagine all of that and not be devastated or hurt by it, because I knew from my past experience that drunken ONS's can happen and most time mean nothing. The key is, what happens after the drunken ONS.
The encouraging part of that story for you is that your wife feels horrible about it. She is remorseful. She isn't blaming you for her actions. Yes, there are reasons it happened (beyond the alcohol) which she and you need to get to and understand, but it was a one-time, alcohol induced bad choice. If corrected, in my mind, it is totally forgivable (although no less painful, perhaps).
She may need to quit drinking. She may even need to change jobs. You and she can talk about these things. Personally, I would not want to know anything about the actual sex. Again, this is my opinion, based on personality, and I understand others are the exact opposite. I just know that I would be haunted by the images forever. You can choose to see it for what it was....very drunken, blathering quick, bad, non-intimate sex followed by passing out.
I would encourage you to try and take a deep breath and try to ratchet down your thinking regarding any major changes to your marriage situation right now. I just don't see the need for thinking about anything too dramatic happening, like moving,,selling things, separation, divorce, etc.
Instead, Assuming she is fully-vested and eager participating, I would try to concentrate on the things that do need to be addressed - her drinking, the conflict you and she have about whether or not to have children, her fully understanding why this happened and why it won't happen again, finding ways to rebuild and strengthen your love and of course -- your healing from this emotionally painful episode.
After reading thousands of posts on this terrific web site ( as a part of my healing process), I can tell you that 90% of the time I think the people involved should just get divorced. I think just the opposite in your situation. I see hope for even stronger love and a greater bond to develop, and that is my post-Christmas wish for you. Good luck to you, my friend.
As deena04 said above, your wife's ONS is 100% on her. Why she did it has 0% to do with you. This is an important point. You can talk about your marriage in a shared responsibility way, but need to talk snout the ONS in a sole responsibility way.
Best to you.