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Wife had a one night stand last night
I am really firmly on your side with regards to your wife's betrayal. I can't believe this latest statement:
she was unfulfilled re above but hadn't realised how much (see above) and that that was why she did what she did.
That really is ridiculous. There are plenty of ways of getting around difficulties such as the ones you are experiencing. To some women your difficulty would be a decided asset!
To state that she got a pip up her ass about a sex life that wasn't totally perfect, so she went out and did a cruel, disrespectful, insulting, humiliating betrayal of your marriage, by fu**ing another man. Then bringing his sperm home to you, [as much as 70% of semen can be retained by a woman after sex].
It just seems to me that she wanted to punish you for your 'limitations' and her apparently not conceiving as a consequence..
The tragedy is that you may have as long as 50 years left in your marriage and this stain will remain for every minute that remains. She can never again be your soulmate of a faithful wife; she has shown that she can be mean and petty and cannot be trusted to be a honorable partner. What she did was terminally stupid, and the transgression will haunt her for the rest of her days.
I started off at the beginning of your post convinced that reconciliation was very likely. I really wonder if that is now what she deserves. Too many insults.
I'm a little more optimistic. This still looks like a situation which can result in reconciliation if that's the path you choose.
Stick to the distance plan. Take some time to search for clarity.
That was what the councillor said anyway, apparently women are 'cups' and they need to be 'filled'. I think it goes without saying that the councillor was a woman.
Thanks for your comments, I agree - only problem is that my wife agrees too (generally). Is now very tearful and apologetic again, only really gets bolshy when I push her on the events of the night. The one thing that makes me think she is genuine is that she is actively encouraging me to tell three of my best friends (who I suggested).
I thought this might scare her, as though they are ultimately three of my best friends (all male and are originally 'my' friends from before I met her, but they are all extremely close friends of hers too). This will obviously make her look awful in front of them, but she is genuinely encouraging me to go ahead and tell them as she thinks it will be good for me and she is worried that I haven't discussed this with anyone.
Thanks Twitchy, we're definitely getting on, it seems like my pride is the main obstacle. That and the fact that I'm not totally convinced by the counsillor's view that we might well come out of this with a better than ever sex life. I for one am feeling less inclined to mutilate my pen1s as some kind of sacrificial lamb (can't believe I've been discussing my pen1s with strangers on the internet - it's been a strange week).
That was what the councillor said anyway, apparently women are 'cups' and they need to be 'filled'.
So I guess when a cup is half-empty, going to go jump on another man's dick is a wonderful solution!
Well good, then men are a pint of ale and when down to the half, go get blown by some bar hussy? Perfect logic on this "so-called" counselor.
Sorry for your pain WrongedMan. You are certainly taking it much better than I would.. in fact, that "brace yourself" statement from counselor, the only thing going through my head after hearing that was:
Thanks for that - genuinely made me laugh and I certainly need one of those! The gallows humour on here is really admirable actually - I was trying not be jokey at first as I thought people might think I'm making it all up or something, but now I don't care.
"You are certainly taking it much better than I would.."
I know, I keep worrying I'm being too nice, but she keeps being genuinely remorseful and saying she loves me and doesn't try and defend her actions, so there's not really much to argue about.
Sent you a PM.
Hope it helps!
Not sure it the best idea to go around telling three of your male friends. Presuming the account will be spread around from them as a source, to a large number of other guys, your wife could find herself getting unwanted, [well,hopefully], attention from men who now are aware she has committed adultery. From their perspective she might be worth hitting on, in the hope she will repeat her cheating behavior.
Might be better to keep it to yourself.
I also had erectile issues that were a factor in my wife's affairs, at least according to her. Not withstanding whether this relationship survives, you should look up a sex therapist with a phd and address your issue. My guess is that with a little work this problem can be solved. It is psychological and not physiological unless maintaining enough of a erection for adequate friction etc is the issue. Either way, there are great treatments.
Sorry about your pain. Those of us whose wives didn't volunteer always suspect there is one more guy we just weren't smart enough to discover in our investigation. You are right that you probably are getting the truth to work with. Many of us have to work with partial information.
Don't you worry one iota about what anyone else thinks, even the good folks here. You just worry about making the best decisions you can based on the info you have (which is much more than we do, obviously) and the man you are (who we can only guess at). This a trial by fire. Come out the other side knowing you did everything you needed to do to get you the place you decide to go, with or without her.
Yes, lean on a close friend to talk to about this,,if you want to. If you don't, then don't. Don't worry that she's worried about you. Sorry, but she's proven very recently that she doesn't always have your best interest at heart. I suggest telling anyone you feel might be helpful to you regarding the whole mess, but be forewarned. I had one person who was interested enough to really listen and care. The rest were just useless, really. People do not know how to respond unless they have been through it.
The therapist your wife talked with doesn't seem very experienced in matters of infidelity. Your wife really needs to look for someone else who specializes in, or at least is very experienced with, matters of infidelity. Unfortunately, bad advice from therapists does more damage than not going at all.
Switching gears.....The idea do taking a week apart sounds reasonable, but do you really think that being without her for a week will provide any kind of meaningful trial run for you to see how you would do alone? I don't see that. Six months without any contact (which I'm not suggesting, btw!) might, but not a week.
You know what makes no sense? A woman wants desperately to have a child. So, what does she do? Get fertility treatments? Insist that the two of you see respective doctors? Try everything possible to pull you closer? No. She goes out and has a drunken ONS and then tells you the next day. That action only moves her farther from what she wants the most. It makes me wonder how much the alcohol factored into the equation. It just sounds to me like she was really,,really drunk and just selfishly wanted to get laid....nothing deeper than that. She didn't give a shit about you (in her drunken state of being overly horny) and it want until the sober light or morning that she felt guilty. Has she acted out inappropriately when she was really drunk at another time? Does she have a drinking problem that might be at the core of what she did?
To add, what we bring to the party is experience. Some relevent, some not. Take what you need and leave the rest.
She goes out and has a drunken ONS and then tells you the next day. That action only moves her farther from what she wants the most. It makes me wonder how much the alcohol factored into the equation. It just sounds to me like she was really,,really drunk and just selfishly wanted to get laid....nothing deeper than that.[/quote
Hi, wife came in for a hug and a chat this morning, and I asked her what the main reason was, and she 100% said that the above was it - all the other stuff is background and relevant, but she agrees that she was selfish and this was what happened first and foremost.
However, she says that she now realises how repressed she has been behaving and what she wants, and wants to use this as a catalyst to have a much more fulfilling sex life. I said to her that thing about men being at their peak at 17 and women at 37, and she said yes, exactly. She said she feels like something's been 'uncorked' in her.
None of this was angry and I said that obviously I had had those feelings too (about fantasising about sex elsewhere idly) but the diff is on the odd chance that I could and I was steaming drunk too at the time, I didn't do anything. She then talked about how maybe I should have some sort of one-off 'revenge sex' and that that would put us back on an equal footing and we use all this as a 'reset button' and move on. In a weird way, I kind of think that this might be the only way of me moving on and think of us as being equal again (though I'm certainly not going to rush out and do anything like that now!).
Also, neither of us are alcoholics, we're what Brits called 'binge-drinkers'. We only drink about once or twice a week, but when we do we do it largely to get drunk. The diff is that even when I'm hammered I largely stay the same person, whereas my wife can get angry, etc.
Advantages I see now - she is clearly being honest with me and I don't think she's going to do this stuff again. She didn't have to tell me.
Gotta go - work! Thoughts appreciated and so would more be. I will be back on in nine hours. Thanks!
Not sure why nobody else has mentioned this, but you should get access to her phone, phone bills, online accounts like Facebook, all email accounts and messaging programs. If she has her own computer, access to that as well. It's better if you can get access without her knowing, so you can check and do some research to find anything she's not telling you. Otherwise just demand passwords and access etc as a part of possible R. She should be an open book, no secrets.
If I were you I would contact OM and tell him to stay away and have no more contact with your wife. Tell him if he contacts her again you'll tell his work and go pay him a visit in person.
Stay strong, it seems that you are handling this quite well, and have received some good advice from here so far.
Yes, we call it binge-drinking over here in the Colonies, too. I'm very familiar with it. So, when you and she are having your talks do either or both of you drink? Is she committed to stopping her binge-drinking? It will be a big change in her life, but the binge-drinking did "help" her cross over to the dark side once. That's the kind of help your future M can do without.
On another note, what did you mean that she has been stopping herself just short or orgasming? She just has you stop, when she gets close to orgasm? She doesn't want to have the orgasm? Is that right? If so, what do you make of that? Doesn't that fly in the face of sexual peak and wanting a better sex life, blah, blah.
Speaking of blah, blah, does it bother you that the grand conclusion she draws about all of this is that she wants a more fulfilling sex life? It just leaves me feeling.........that's it?!.! Maybe that is it and maybe that will fix everything, but it just seems to be all about her and a bit shallow, considering that your entire future together is threatened. Also, does she realize what will happen to her all important and newly improved sex life if she has a child? She'll be happy to be getting sleep, never mind sex.
Revenge affair. ....looks good on paper. There are many problems with it. The two affairs would not be equal. The biggest difference is that, particularly in your situation where she is almost suggesting it, you would be doing something that would help her. It would help her feel better in some ways. Did her ONS help you feel better in any way? No. It won't work. It's trying to bargain the problem away and that just won't work.
Good luck with what I expect will be your nightly chat.
I whole heartedly agree that a revenge affair is a very bad idea. It will just add a second layer of pain and resentment to you situation.
And yes, having access to her phone and computer is good. Her A wasn't in or didn't start that was, but they sure end up there about 110% of the time. Try to manage it covertly, so she doesn't know your watching, with key loggers and spy ware, otherwise is she was contacting him that was she'll just stop. In your case I'd set that up of a finite period, say 6 month. Otherwise it cannot become an addiction.
That was what the councillor said anyway, apparently women are 'cups' and they need to be 'filled'. I think it goes without saying that the councillor was a woman.
...the fact that I'm not totally convinced by the counsillor's view that we might well come out of this with a better than ever sex life. I for one am feeling less inclined to mutilate my pen1s as some kind of sacrificial lamb
At the risk of becoming lurid I would like to expand this convo.
A. Why would you have to "mutilate my pen1s" in order to 'fix' your issue?
B. I guess that a woman would have some sort of insight as to why a man orgasming 'in' her would seem different, or better. But I don't want this to become a sexist part of this thread. RE: the counselor.
C. I have always referred to my self and my love life with Mr. Happy as being his 'Vessel'. I love that part! (now I'm sharing some TMI, LOL!)
Not withstanding whether this relationship survives, you should look up a sex therapist with a phd and address your issue. My guess is that with a little work this problem can be solved.
Okay, Nitrobob is guessing...but why not.
So why not look into this issue?
BTW, do this for you, not your WW.
She does not count right now. She fucked up big time. She could have easily said something...
Just curious...Had she complained in the past?? Was this a too sore a subject to discuss without hurt feelings?
I don't want to irritate you in anyway. I know that your feelings are all over the place.
I hate infidelity in any form. So don't think I am taking sides, male or female. I really do care about you and your situation and sincerely would like you to explore all avenues to make your self a happy healthy man.
If one wants to get his or her needs met, one must present whatever issue to his/her loved one in a compassionate tactful manner and in a way that makes sense..
The needs should be reasonable ones and possible to fill..
The fulfillment of these needs shouldn't be taken for granted..
In a strong marriage the partners feel blessed to have one another and their M
If your WW was telling you to have a revenge A this isn't good..She will think that you two were on an even playing field, and she would feel excused from delving into why she had an A..
The way in which my WH presented his needs for our sex life to change did nothing but distance me from him..His personality in general is one of negativity..
WH was very tactless and focused on himself in presenting his sexual needs..... During the times that my WH worked outside the home, he usually started work later than me and he was always home much earlier than I..Yet he did nothing extra for me in daily life to help me recharge or preserve energy for him.So basically I got tired of listening to him bitch and moan...
I would have to admit his A was my get out free card..I was already getting to the point of feeling fed up with my WH and the M before I found out about his A's..
People who have A's to shock their spouses or partners into meeting their needs are nothing but demanding brats..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:24 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
Okay, finally got fairly angry today. Went to work and my wife called me tearfully from work. First thought the other guy had done something, but no she was having a tough time going back to work, said it had all hit and I love you blah. Said she'd do anything to make it work, etc, even said she'd cook me dinner, which worried me for a bit, as that's almost more out of character for her than XXXX-ing a near stranger in a hotel. I said that (regarding this morning's chat) if she could pick up an inexpensive prostitute on the way home that should sort it all out. This made her laugh then sob (new thing, when I make her laugh it reminds her of how it was before and she starts crying). So anyway, great, now she's leaning on me for support (!!!!!!) like it was before all this happened.
Then, sat at my desk, not really able to work, what happens is that this dripfeed of 'excuses' starts to wrankle with me. As said before, when I see her I have felt less angry, but not tonight. Chatted for two hours but the 'highlight' was me shouting at her that she wants to reconcile and for me to do this, that and the other to make things better, but that before this happened, when I cooked for her, always gave her surprise gifts and things and looked after her emotionally, that was me doing my best, and if that wasn't good enough then maybe she should XXXX off to this other bloke. Have also taken, I think, understandable umbrage to that fact that this bloke has apparently helped her to see the light and I now have to try and change my physiology to emulate his talents. Plus took great lengths to explain that these conditions were a far cry from 'I'll do anything'.
Also, she said she alway leads the relationship (having baby, etc) and I said I KNOW, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS ASKING FOR MORE BUT I NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING FROM YOU. She cried and conceded that I have a point, the fact that when she said recently that she was fat (apparently she's put on weight) I said that she looked perfect to me (and I meant it). Whereas for her, nothing is ever enough. Said she wanted baby, okay lets do it. Said she wanted to use device, okay let's do it. But what she's said post affair was that I wasn't committing because I never filled it up and helped her with it. Not only is there always an extra thing, but YOU NEVER SAID AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE NOT NOW.
Amicable again now and she's gone to get some dinner. I think we're going around in circles, as is my mind since this happened. My internal monologue constantly sounds like the prose from a bad book that should have been written by someone else.
To cover the points.
No, we don't drink when we talk (both us us have barely drunk since). Also, we don't really drink in the week (even a glass of wine) unless the odd occasion when we go to a gig or whatever.
Stopping orgasming. I have no idea. Occasionally says over years, what do you think it's like not have done it for ages and I say, well why do you stop when you're about to? She says, I don't know. Then I give up as she doesn't want to discuss. Work that one out.
About the great sex then have a child, good point and I made this to her. Not much to say back. Does rather raise the idea that she needs to get back into bed to get her pregnant asap.
Revenge affair, not even discussed (bar my prostitute joke). Where do you even start with that anyway? Sending pics of my now notorious pen1s to strangers on the internet (I'm not sure how it works)? Also, it feels like the first step on the road to becoming swingers. Also, as I said before, if I leave this, I want to do it with my self-respect intact and the moral high ground (petty I know). Not sure this will help with that.
Mutilate my pen1s - not a 100% serious remark, but referring to the fact that it had been inferred before that maybe some skin would need to be chopped off.
Had she complained in the past? Was this a too sore a subject to discuss without hurt feelings? Only complained relatively recently and I had semi-agreed to go and see someone. No, not sore subject to discuss, as think I'm showing here.
[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 3:18 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]