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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Very confused - venting
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so confused as to how my WH can come home after a "late night at work" (code for meeting with the OW or sexting all evening) and get pissy with me for sitting in the family room all night rather than lay in bed and watch tv with him. When I'm not in there he is free to txt his next prospect or his latest conquest without me hanging nearby. He doesn't have to hide his phone (angle it so I can see the screen). But he insists on telling me how crappy of a wife I am for not coming to bed to pretend not to see... I'm not ready to confront him yet, but at this point it is very difficult not to cringe when he touches me. As soon as he walks in the door a migraine sets in. Her votes me.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Got2GO
♀ Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been there done that. Sorry don't "explore" divorce get a divorce and live the rest of your life.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auto correct kills me sometimes. Her votes me. Should say he revolts me.

Got2go - thanks for the advice. I have to confront him for the nth time first. He has always asked for real proof of what he's done. I had no more than phone records and credit card charges. Which amounted to not much more than "phone sex and porn." Even when I told him that was cheating in my eyes he laughed it off and said it wasn't. This time I have photos of text messages, pictures of ads from craigslist, emails, gps locator pictures, etc. plenty of "proof" of what he's been doing. The only thing I don't have is a lawyer and a concrete plan. Need one for this go round.

It's just infuriating that he gets mad when I avoid his space so I don't have to pretend I don't see what he's doing. But it is ok for him to seek out private time so he can have his illicit meetings or sexting, or whatever.

This place has been a great resource for me. I have learned so much. If I had found it years ago. Maybe trying for a R would have been successful. I've been going at it all wrong all these years. So in part, I take some blame for the failures. I tried for my kids... Now I have to make changes for them and for me. I'm a thinker tho and tend to weigh pros cons and consequences. I'm starting a journal to this matter. The pros of D far outweigh the cons. BUT the consequences are very high priced.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds as though you're stuck in the cycle of abuse, so to speak.

He cheats, you're devastated, you don't really do anything about it but swallow it and move on. He cheats again, you find out again, you don't really do anything about it and pack it down with the other countless times he's cheated and move on once more.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

I guess you'll know when you're finally full, Scarednbroken.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scarednbroken, unless you live in one of the very few places that actually enforces consequences during divorce, for cheating spouses, you don't HAVE to "prove" it to him. Your marriage is not a court of law where you have to have a preponderance of solid evidence.

You know it, he knows it, he's just lawyering you hoping that by doing so, he can continue to have his comfortable home life and his exciting Ho-Hookups.

Please. For your sake. Go see a lawyer. Find out what you are entitled to as concerns spousal support. And file. This is your life. It's the only one you are ever going to get. No do-overs. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this, waiting for him to come home, treating you like an unpaid servant, and wondering when he's going to pass some disgusting disease to you from one of his OW?

Don't waste any more of your precious time, your precious life. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I'm providing proof is because he totally denies everything whenever I tell him he is cheating. I know I have been overly forgiving. Only for the sake of keeping my family intact. However at this point he has become more of a liability to us. My oldest son knows now. He is going through an emotional roller coaster now. He's confused his dad was his idol and now his image is so tarnished. We had a serious discussion last night. And he is very Distraught. I know I need to act and act soon.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you scarednbroken. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Now that your son knows, stay engaged with him and talk to him every so often to keep him abreast of your decisions and more importantly to get his thoughts. You don't have to talk to him constantly as that would be overwhelming. Talk with him, not at him every so often so he knows what's going on. Don't lie but don't give gory details either. As hard as it is, take the high road and don't speak I'll of your WH even if his a pos which sounds like he is. Save those comments for your support group. I'm the product of a toxic environment and I remember well who took the high road and who didn't.

Take care of yourself first so that you can take care if your kids. Don't discuss with them when your mind is racing. That's never a good time. Always be calm IF possible when dealing with your kids but sometimes that may be easier said than done.

I will be thinking of you scarednbroken. Keep us updated on your progress.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yearsofpain: I understand where you are coming from. I am also a product of a divorced parents. My father was a WS. My mother was an OW after her divorce... She had a very low option of my father but it also reflected badly on her.

I try very hard to remain as positive as I can about my pos WH. I read somewhere that kinds take it to heart because children have a little bit of each parent inside them. Of you speak ill of a parent the child feels as if they have some of that inside them.

My son is really struggling with the hatred toward his father. He feels cheated and betrayed - even more than I do I think. But he is still a kid. 17 and now lost. I'm thinking he may need counseling to deal with all the anger.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was 16 on our families DDay and I remember being pretty angry for a while. Angry and numb and I "checked out". If he is willing to go to IC that would be good. Just as important is for you to stay engaged with him and not let him check out. Anger is a natural reaction and can be a tool to help cope. Just don't let him stat angry forever as I have.

I will be thinking of you. Stay strong.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
sidney2718
♂ New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredandbroken wrote:

The reason I'm providing proof is because he totally denies everything whenever I tell him he is cheating. I know I have been overly forgiving. Only for the sake of keeping my family intact. However at this point he has become more of a liability to us. My oldest son knows now. He is going through an emotional roller coaster now. He's confused his dad was his idol and now his image is so tarnished. We had a serious discussion last night. And he is very Distraught. I know I need to act and act soon.

You aren't thinking this out. YOU know he's cheating and HE knows he's cheating. You don't have to prove it to him. You can divorce him (no fault) without any proof.

In a situation like this it is wrong to stay for the children. They are old enough to understand what is going on. You don't have to baby him.

See a lawyer. File for divorce. That will get your husband's attention. Then perhaps he will try to prove to you that he's an innocent person who loves you very much. But don't count on it.

[This message edited by sidney2718 at 7:00 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing scarednbroken? Was thinking about you today.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for asking....

I am in a status quo mode. I just am in a holding pattern until I feel strong enough to move forward. My mind knows what needs to be done. I'm very very afraid of the impact on my other two children that are at home. My oldest wants the charade ever with. He has been becoming distant, staying out late, etc. He has blatant disrespect for my WH which makes parenting harder. I know the why, but I am not ready to take the next step.

I am debating how and what to discuss with my other two still at home kids. (I have one that is grown and out of the house.) I am about to turn their world upside down. I don't know what to tell them. My daughter may be suspicious, but I think my youngest is totally clueless. They will be devastated.

I want a lawyer and a plan to keep my kids safe. That is where I am hanging up. Lawyers want money, I don't have it. Safety requires me to swallow my pride and talk to someone to either stay with us at our home or take us in at theirs. I haven't decided our best, safest, but strongest course of action.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please please go see a lawyer. A first consultation should be free. Yes, the retainer will be expensive. But living like this is toxic to your soul.

Dealing with all of this is plain awful. Absolute hell. Magnified by a thousand if you have a WH that is still completely unconcerned with how his behavior affects you or your kids.

Yes, your kids will be devastated. But they will overcome with the right help, I hope. We have the ability to teach them about commitment, choices, problem resolution, healing, forgiveness, etc. IF the WS is ready to be remorseful and make changes to himself and in the way he treats you. The kids are watching. What will they learn? That we will accept being treated like this? NO. They will respect you more if you are strong and demand to be treated with love and respect and with honor toward your marriage commitment. With a WS who is unrepentant, I believe we do more damage to our kids by remaining in the M.

This is hard. Devastatingly hard. But I don't read one word here which makes me believe your WH is ready to accept responsibility for what he is doing or feels a shred of remorse. He is TOXIC to you and toxic to your kids and toxic to your family dynamic. Please don't stay with the status quo. You ALL deserve better.

If he wakes the H*ll up, then you can weigh other options. For now, you really need to find a path out of this poison. The further you get away from it, you will find more strength, courage, and eventually peace and likely happiness. You have too much of your life left to live. Please don't waste any more time with this selfish fool. You deserve better.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
sidney2718
♂ New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Scarednbroken wrote:


I am in a status quo mode. I just am in a holding pattern until I feel strong enough to move forward. My mind knows what needs to be done. I'm very very afraid of the impact on my other two children that are at home. My oldest wants the charade ever with. He has been becoming distant, staying out late, etc. He has blatant disrespect for my WH which makes parenting harder. I know the why, but I am not ready to take the next step.

I am debating how and what to discuss with my other two still at home kids. (I have one that is grown and out of the house.) I am about to turn their world upside down. I don't know what to tell them. My daughter may be suspicious, but I think my youngest is totally clueless. They will be devastated.

I want a lawyer and a plan to keep my kids safe. That is where I am hanging up. Lawyers want money, I don't have it. Safety requires me to swallow my pride and talk to someone to either stay with us at our home or take us in at theirs. I haven't decided our best, safest, but strongest course of action.

Your children will be devastated no matter what. Your previous life is gone, even if you reconcile. What you need to do is take control of your future.

You need a lawyer. Many will give a free initial consultation. If you live in a community property state you will have money. Initial arrangements prior to divorce in many states include agreements on pre-divorce financial support. So you will have money to pay for a lawyer. If you don't get a lawyer you can be seriously screwed over.

This is going to be hard at first, but in the end it will be fine. In fact filing for divorce may knock some sense into your husband's head and that could be a good thing.

Not filing is the easy choice, but in the end it will give you a much worse result.

[This message edited by sidney2718 at 7:41 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New information.

I have been in contact with a lawyer. It is a free service from them to inform spouses of their rights. They have been sending me information on state law, my rights, his rights, and their services. First - because it is a biggie - they want either 435 per month (this is my car payment or half my food budget) or a $1000 retainer plus if the case requires more they will bill it. (There are other option but he will fight me so the chapter versions won't apply.) this is financially difficult whether there are provisions in place or not. We have zero savings. We live paycheck to paycheck. If anything his mother would give him al the $ he needs to fight me and have him coming out smelling like a rose and get the kids, house, etc. I don't have family with that kind of money.

Next - in our state not only is adultery grounds for divorce without separation requirements it is illegal. So is fornication and prostitution. So now I'm wondering if he may end up in jail? Regardless the amount and type of evidence I have is needed per this lawyer. I want this over with quickly and decisively. So here I am stuck trying to skim what I can and keep my kids out of the way. There's no outright violence but he is verbally abusive to me and the kids. Mostly me bc I have been standing up to him which pisses him off.

Thanks for the hugs and encouragement here everyone. I actually am feeling stronger than I have before but I am working on getting my full boss *ss b*tch attitude on. It's hard knowing he has no problem using the kids as my weakness.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
sidney2718
♂ New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You go girl! You have the strength. And you have friends here.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey scarednbroken, been busy but wanted to check in with you and let you know that I continue to think of you. What's the latest? Any more info from the lawyers or is it all still status quo? Any more venting you want to share? We are still here.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! Thanks for asking. I have heard from a few lawyers. I'm having issues getting time off work. WH can't know what I'm up to. Plus the retainers are really high. :(

At this point I am working on damage control. I have been trying to keep son talking to me. Letting me know how he feels. He's very rebellious against WH.

Again thank you so much for asking. :)


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm worried about you snb. All the situations here are unique, but your has several layers to it. Things with DS will work out in the long run if you keep working with him. I will continue to check in on you.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has always asked for real proof of what he's done.

My husband did this too. It took me way too long to realize that just because he ASKED didn't mean I had to provide it.

I knew he was cheating LONG before he was ready to admit it.

Thing is, I didn't NEED for him to admit it! Neither do you.

I wish to God I had just left then. Because it didn't get better with more evidence.

Think long and hard about WHY you need more evidence. If YOU are satisfied with what you know, you certainly do not have to provide any more to your cheating husband.

(And crappy wife label or no, I'd be in a different bedroom if my husband were trolling on the internet while in bed next to me.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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