Dec15, your theory makes a lot of sense. I'll probably never know how it really came to fruition and probably don't want to. Poured all the mason jars of apple liquor down the sink yesterday.
The night time was the hardest for me. When the kids were in bed and the house was quiet. That was when I felt alone and the questions took over my thoughts.
Totally agree. Hoping I sleep tonight. May I wish us all sweet dreams tonight.
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
You know we are worried about you Blind. I'm checking in because I want to check on you. I read back through the posts since I left. That's great that you FINALLY had a chance to speak with someone. I bet that was a HUGE step for you.
I'll probably still check in on you from time to time when I can. Can't help myself. That's the dad in me needing to know you are ok. Keep posting as your story continues to unfold. I'm pulling for you and your kids.
Have you thought of seeing an IC yourself? I think that it would be greatly helpful to you to have someone IRL to talk to, who is focused on only helping you. Also, you may want to see about a family councilor for your children to help them process what's going on. When school starts again (if they are in school), talking to their teachers to let them know what's going on too, might be helpful for them. That way, if they really start struggling in school, the teachers have a context and can contact you right away.
Baby steps forward for you and the children, and NC with your louse of a spouse is the way forward. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Greetings from Galway Ireland!!!
Wow, sounds like there is a bit of fun on this trip as well as business. Good for you!
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to find your post. I could literally be you, right down to the age. My story's on my profile and is sordid enough to zoom right past Jerry Springer into Telenovella territory. I completely understand the feeling of the emotional knife plunged into your heart by WH, and the knife in the back from Xbf.
My D-Day was in July, so I'm only about six months ahead of you. I'm still in survival mode, but I can see little rays of sunlight ahead. You will get there too.
You have been getting terrific advice from all the SI members. Whatever blame shifting or gaslighting your WH does, none of this is your fault. Your WS's and Xbf's behaviors have to do with their issues, not yours. You are doing an amazing job dealing with a totally unacceptable situation. Your kids are lucky to have you looking out for them.
Sending lots of hugs from frozen Illinois. ((iamsoblind42))
Another thought (that I am hesitant to suggest) is that if you want to know more about his infidelities he certainly is not going to give you info. But you can (only if you think it will help and not harm you to know) confront the BF.
You can tell her she owes you to at least give you as much info as she can. This was not the only time I would bet. There had to a reason why your WH felt comfortable walking in the room when he believed they were having sex. Chances are she might have info about his other affairs/behaviors. Her creepy husband most likely has swapped stories with your WH. Mine had a group of buddies on a site that described in detail all of their exploits. This kind of person likes to brag as sick as it is.
For me it was important to know as much as possible. This is not always the best thing for everyone.
Take care of yourself!
I was/am in a very similar situation - we were best friends with a polyamorous couple (we were monogamous). Turned out my husband had been having an EA with the wife for nearly a year, and the other husband knew about the whole thing and not only approved of it but was actively helping the affair along. They were all planning to open my marriage without my knowledge or permission. I was the only one in the dark.
The whole thing fell apart when the three of them got drunk together, and it progressed to a PA. Turned out the OW's husband was there and encouraging my WH and the OW to do stuff together.
After the truth came out and we went NC, the other husband attacked and blamed me for everything. I was also told that I was a bad person for not prioritizing OW's feelings after DDay (nobody expressed even the slightest bit of concern about mine, however). I never got any explanation or any apology from either the OW/xBFF or her husband, either. It was like a door opened into Crazy World and I got sucked through. Five years friendship down the drain so WH and OW could drunkenly grope and grind on one another on a couch while OW's husband watched. Jerry Springer indeed.
Anyway, you are far from the only person who has had this kind of horrible crap happen to their marriage and their life. When you're ready for it, there is a Double Betrayal thread in the "I Can Relate" forum. *hugs*
[This message edited by TheGarden at 3:38 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]
Literally in survival mode now. I have a checklist and just managing that from hour to hour to ensure my kids and I will be financially safe.
I feel like I have personal assets under control for now and proceeded to protecting my business.
I am still 100% owner of my company. I hired my WH as CEO in June 2013 but have remained as president and sole board of directors. I still draw a salary from the company and address high level issues.
I really don't want to take full control back as managing CEO but with all my WH's financial issues I am worried he will embezzle from the company. So far I have not found anything like that but he had only been managing a few months.
Will meet with an attorney tomorrow to get some further contracts in place to further protect.
You are such a smart and capable woman. I know you are crumbling inside but you are maintaining a level-headedness in your approach and actions that is admirable. Really.
I'm not going to respond to every piece of this... There's just too much. I'm just going to respond on the pieces that I feel I have some similar experience with -- in hopes that it might provide some reassurance or whatever.
The WH taking the kids furniture shopping... I wouldn't worry about it too much. Honestly. My youngest DS (12 at time) helped my WH shop for things he needed for his apartment and helped him assemble things and move in. Slept over. It was very reassuring to my DS. He was the only kid who didn't know about the A. The other 2 wanted no part of it. The youngest needed to know that he would still be part of H's life and although it was killing me, I could see it was helping to calm him. And my worry over him was greater (typical mom reaction, right?)
My DS15 eventually spent a couple nights at the apartment. My DD17 has never been there and will never be. She's the most angry and devastated about this because she confronted him and he didn't stop.
Their different wishes for R vs. D brought a lot of extra friction into their relationships with each other and also with me.
Based on my own experience, I think it is probably reassuring for your DD to be part of this. And I think your DS is awesome to try to be strong to help her, despite his own feelings. I've seen that my kids have phased through different stages with this whole thing and are finally getting to where they are trying to support each other. Awesome that your DS is doing this from the get-go. Really. It's good for them, even if it hurts you.
Also, a big shift in their interactions came when our new MC/IC/FC wanted to see them all together. My DD was livid. She liked going to her own shrink and venting and hating on WH. DS15 didn't want any C. I told youngest DS about the A late September 2013. It was too likely he had already ascertained the story and I wanted him to hear it directly from me. He was almost 13. Kept it very age-appropriate, based on advice from MC/IC/FC #1. He was shattered, but bounced back and is very rational about it.
Having them do FC as a group had been amazing. They are relating better and not feeling so isolated in their emotions. New C has seen them once and wants to see them alone again. Full family FC will be later down the line. In the meantime, I can see how it's helping.
I'm not trying to t/j with my story, but hoping you may see something in my story that will help you with your kid's healing. I would highly suggest C for them. IC made my DD more angry and self-focused. Her shrink told her she could set "rules". It wreaked havoc on our family dynamic. The group approach, with a different mindset C, is working for us.
I can't tell you what's best for you... Just some more thoughts that you can use as you need or disregard.
I know how devastating it is when our kids become part of this nightmare. Like you, I want desperately to do the right things for them. Hard to give them the necessary first aid when you are lying on the floor hemmoraghing. BTDT. My DD was angry at me for that too. Be kind to yourself. Just like on an airplane, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, then your kids. You can't truly help them first. YKWIM? Forgive yourself for having to do your own triage first. It's okay. You have time to help them heal. Be good to yourself first. Then start attending to their healing.
I know it's hard to see your family devastated by all this. First hand. I feel for you.
You've got double/triple betrayal on top. The pain is excruciating. But we are all here, hoping to help you through it in some way. We'll add little bits and pieces of our own experiences and sometimes (unfortunately) project our own feelings on to your situation... Please know that everyone here wants to help. Not judge. Not belittle. Not distrust. In your case, I think the clarification helped us better understand the likely situation between WH, AssH, and BFF. Like I wrote early on, it just seems impossible that this just "happened" spontaneously while you were gone 15-20 minutes. I think your added detail just solidified that for most of us. With that knowledge, we may be able to offer better insights. I hope that makes sense. Keep posting and talking.... And hang in there.
You. Will. Be. OK.
Now that we have legally filed for separation (they need an LS abbreviation) should I let him know it's here? From what I understand, from the moment we are officially filed I am no longer responsible for what he does.
Also, told my DS that he is not allowed to go to his BF's house as that is where my XBF and assH live. I told him his BF was welcome here anytime and he simply had to trust me for now that I would tell him more when I could. At first he asked my why but I simply said again, I am asking you to trust me on this one. He said ok. Hurray, I feel at lot less anxiety about that now.
As far as IC, I did that immediately. Literally left a dozen messages on Monday. I was on my way to the hospital to see if they had an immediate therapist when one called back and she said she was available right then so I drove straight there. I have been 3 times already. Kids are going on Tuesday.
As I have said before, I have a checklist and working that is what is keeping my sanity.
I did get a bit more sleep last night as well which is good. Had to bump from 2 sleeping pills to 4 but it did the trick.
So far no tears today...still in survival mode.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 9:18 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 9:54 AM, January 20th (Monday)]
BTW you are doing well so far. You are going to make it.
Had a really good dream last night and then woke up and got physically sick.
I know whatever happens that a year from now things will look different and in 5 years from now maybe I'll even be able to be truly happy again. I just wish I could fast forward.
The immediate aftermath of this nightmare usually goes by in a blur because you are busy taking care of business (ex; your checklist)..
After the first year or two has gone by, don't be surprised if you get caught in the clutches of a debilitating depression..Anticipate for it, be prepared for it, and you may dodge a direct hit from this bullet..
I am glad that your kids are gonna be in counseling, this will help them verbalize and validate their feelings..
If you're having problems keeping food down to where you're starting to drop weight too fast, get some complete nutrition drinks (Ensure is one brand, there are loads of others) and keep sipping that a bit at a time. It can help.
As to his mail, I'd just write "Not at this address" on it and send it back to the post office if he's not in the house any more. He fired you from being his secretary. It's up to him to get a mailing address, which he can do at any postal store.
I am glad that you are seeing a lawyer about your business. I'm sure it's obvious to you, but he cannot have any check writing or signature authority privileges for your business ever again. Given his financial infidelity, you know that at some point, he will try to raid the business. I'd also worry about him accepting any payments for the business as well, especially if you do any cash receipts at all.
Hang in there. You're doing great! (((hugs)))
Next is the subconscious. Last month I started having dreams where I was yelling at STBXH for 'ruining real life', venting all the repressed anger. You will get there eventually. Finally, I've heard from others that the heart does recover eventually. For now, I just acknowledge that I can love someone, but not be with them.
This is a marathon. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. The Ensure idea is great. I used Slim Fast because I could afford to lose the extra padding. I recommend therapudic trips to an Ice Cream Shoppe with the kids and hugs three times a day. ((iamsoblind42))
Oh, and I called the life insurance to change beneficiary to my kids and car insurance to split policies. I may have to publish this checklist later.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 1:55 PM, January 20th (Monday)]