[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]
As much as it might seem that I am doing great, I know I will have to deal with with the pain again sooner or later but for now have buried it. I mean, I still know I am a mess on the inside but on the outside, unless you knew me REALLY well I don't think anyone will know.
There are certain things that make me know it's still really raw... I'll go to the store and forget why I went there. Have not been able to make a family dinner since DDay. We eat out every night as I think sitting around a family table might break me. I avoid social situations where I know people will ask where my WH is etc.
Tomorrow WH and I are meeting for mediation. I just want all this settled. My blood pressure was off the charts when I went to the doctor yesterday. I normally have very low blood pressure. Just coming off a near-death experience last month I know for my health I have got to get my anxiety under control and I think once we have all the paperwork settled I will be able to breathe better and sleep more. It will not even have been 2 weeks since DDay tomorrow but for my health and sanity I have to keep moving fast.
I know many of you think I am going to crash and burn soon but lets think positive. Maybe I can be an anomaly that can get through this with minimal scars. Thanks for your continued support.
BS: me 42
Married almost 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed for LS - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and my BF while her H watched.
First, let me say that although I have never met you, I am so proud of you! You are a very strong woman and you are doing everything that you can do at this point. Sometimes we can only take care of the present and take care of the future when it comes. It sounds like from previous experience you are aware of the warning signs of crashing. Keep good thoughts, keep your closest family and friends on speed dial, and make sure your internet connect is always working so we can support you. As much as you have done, unfortunately it's not over yet, and you know you'll have some tough days ahead. After those, however, you'll have some GREAT days, so keep that in mind.
Wishing you all good things!
Great that you could get up in front of a firing squad in an interview. Impressive.
Yeah, like others suggested this may hit you like a freight train later, but just know that IF it does, there are a group of friends here to pick you up.
I really admire your strength.
(((iamsoblind42))) I'll be thinking about you. Take care.
I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.
Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.
Really starting to think my WH did this horrible last act knowing I could never forgive him so was his way out of the M. He now seems to have a lot of remorse over the loss of the "family" but not for the loss of me. I truly think he is relieved. Good news is we are now amicably moving forward to legally separate.
Have you ever seen the movie Crazy, Stupid Love? If you haven't, it's a great movie. I would like to have someone in my life willing to fight for me.
Feeling alone again today but no tears.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 12:31 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]
How could you have him back in your life after witnessing that? The OW/OM are nuts as well obviously. What the hell is wrong with people?
You are going to need some first class counseling to help you through this. It has only been a couple of weeks since D-Day by the looks of it and you probably even had time to breathe.
You've had lot of good advice from SI posters. The road to recovery may seem overwhelming at present but remember.....a journey of 1000 miles has to start with one small step.
I remember how I felt for the first weeks after discovering my now ex-WH had been screwing my "dearest friend" and next door neighbor for 5 years. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it. At least my idiot ex-H spared me a personal cabaret performance which is more than I can say for your WH. You may be right in your assumption that your WH's performance was calculated as an excuse to exit your marriage. Whatever the reason, he needs serious help.
Keep posting on SI, you will be supported here no matter what.
Hugs to you
[This message edited by Ellejay at 5:51 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]
Really starting to think my WH did this horrible last act knowing I could never forgive him so was his way out of the M.
Just my opinion, but I feel you should be open to answering your DS's questions.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
however, i have been following yours. even though i dont post on it ... i am still pulling for you!
Went to mediation today and when I got there lawyer said he could not talk to both of us. Our legal system really needs an overhaul.
In any case...we are going to proceed with filing the state forms jointly. If he decides to retain a lawyer I can always pony up later.
Good to see you keep moving forward Blind. How are the kids doing?
I'll check back in when back in the States. Don't stop moving forward.
WH is moving into our rental house tomorrow. I think kids will be better once he has a permanent residence where they can visit him. He mentioned today something about only planning to live there for a few years which is odd. We were discussing how he will have to refinance it since my name is the only one on the current mortgage. Interesting to know he has his future planned out while I can literally not see past what I have to do tomorrow to survive this.
Good news is... I slept a solid 7 hours last night, hurray!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:43 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
Hope you have a great trip. Funny, one of the first thing I thought about when I found out about my ws was that I guess I wouldn't have to save as much for our next Disney trip if only 3 of us go LOL. I really resent that I'm hanging out on this board now instead of the disboards!
I wanted to comment on your concerns about repeating your breakdown from 20 years ago. I also had a major depressive episode 20 years ago (before STBXH) and dreaded it ever happening again. However, I have found that the coping skills I learned then have helped me immensely in dealing with my own double betrayal. Having been through a breakdown once, I could recognize the signs of another one coming and seek out the professional help I needed. Also, having been through that black despair and recovered, I know for a fact that it will get better.
You know it as well, because you recovered from your ex-fiance leaving you. While this is an order of magnitude above that betrayal, you are also a stronger person than you were then. You have your kids who love and need you. Mine are a huge source of strength for me, and I suspect yours are for you as well.
You will build a lovely future for them and yourself out of the chaos your WH has created. It just takes a lot of time. I'm six months out, and there are still ups and downs. But there are a lot more ups than downs, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen positive growth in my kids and I feel closer to them than ever before.
Good luck, and keep posting. It really helps to know that you are not alone.