I just spent half the afternoon reading this entire thread. Add me to your fan club! I, too, am so very proud of you. Discovering betrayal is such a trauma, but sadly, friends & family don't come swooping in with casseroles & tissues :(. I'm so sorry that your BF turned out to be anything but, & so thankful that you quickly found this awesome group!
Everyone has given you great advice. The only other thing I'll mention is that, when you're ready, you might get a lot of support & comfort from a group such as Al-anon, or Celebrate Recovery even. I never thought I would go to something like that, but after learning about my H's addiction to online porn (which led to 2 affairs) & his good experience with SA, I went to S-anon. The women there are incredible! I drag my heels at working the steps, & miss quite a few meetings, but there is nothing like being able to share your story with people IN REAL LIFE & knowing that they get it!
Just keep on keeping on, & loving on those kids. At 3 1/2 years out, I promise you that there is more joy in your future. The shock will wear off, the pain will gradually diminish & you'll someday just pop in here from time to time to leave an encouraging word. Eat, sleep & do whatever makes you happy. Hugs & prayers!
For someone that claims to be soooooo sorry he is certainly not putting up any fight for me or this marriage. It makes me sad but also explains so much of the last several years. It really should not have taken such a heinous act for me to see he'd been killing this marriage for years.
No longer feel I am going to wake up from a coma but instead feel like I have woken up from a bad dream that has been my life for years. Refuse to wallow in self pity any longer. Life is too short and he has already taken too much from me to expend any further energy on it.
I do hope for the sake of my kids he addresses his drinking, spending and other demons.
I know I am worth fighting for and if he can't see that it is his loss.
Does this mean I have to move to the separation forum now?
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
Glad to hear you had an awesome weekend. Glad he is gone. I wish you strength as you continue your journey!
Sorry that there is more misery to come for you but you sound like you know your direction at this point. Definitely HIS loss on all of it. Keep your head up and continue to let us know how you are doing and your challenges.
Post in whatever forum you feel comfortable in. If you have questions regarding the D/S, then yes, I would post those there because that is the place you are more likely to get an answer to your specific questions.
You seem to have it all together, but I know that there are times when you have moments of sadness. All of that is completely normal.
I actually think the full story about your WH is yet to be discovered by you. I would bet he has been doing lots more with a lot of other people that you have yet to find out about.
Refresh my memory, did you contact your doctor about STD testing? You really should, if you haven't already.
You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.
Breathe, just breathe.
That's not a very nice thing to come home to.
Any thoughts on telling SH about it and making him go get tested to see what he comes up with so you may not have to wait as long? He owes you at least that much.
Just got an email from the attorney I consulted with last week that he is quitting and I will need to be switched to a different attorney in the firm. I told them just to send back my FULL retainer as I had no faith in a firm that would take on a new client knowing there was another job that may require that attorney to leave just a few days later. Luckily they have agreed to my demands. I will be proceeding without an attorney. My WH and I have already agreed to everything (parenting plan, child support, property and asset allocation and sworn financial statements). I just have to pray he does not go back on his word and obviously there is no trust there right now.
I am going to make dinner for my kids tonight. It will be the first time since DDay. Things really do seem to be getting back to normal. I think about how it has not even been 3 weeks and I should not be able to move on this quickly but I also don't want him to take anymore from me than he already has. I will be happy again, I know it.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I'm so sorry about the Hep B and yes, I doubt he will be forthcoming to do any sort of testing. I think he is deep in the fog.
Of course people are shocked and I try to spare some of the more gruesome details. I need to reclaim my life and part of that is knowing I can go out without whispering behind my back. I did nothing wrong. Figure it is better if people hear it from me than the gossip mill.
People have been very nice but they just keep saying how very sorry they are. I guess there is probably not much more they can say.
Maybe there will be a new town scandal soon and I can be old news.
I'm new to this site but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I walked in on my WH with another woman as well. This shit sucks on a major level.
I hope you're doing okay.
I cannot believe this shit is actually happening.
I saw your post to my thread last night. Thank you for the kind words. I appreciated it and it means a lot. I have an 800 number that I'm going to call on Mon for IC. You are one of my role models in this regard.
Thanks and keep it up. Let us now how you are doing as you keep moving forward.
For now we have just filed for legal separation. I have taken the advice to not make major decisions right away and even though my head is screaming D it's really hard to throw away the last 20 years. Figure if nothing changes between now and 76 more days it's just one more form to complete.
Bought a new bed today. It is awesome! King size and super high, meant for a Queen. My WH would hate it which makes me love it all the more.
Also got a job offer Friday for a large company where nobody would know me. I could always take control of my company back but right now a large company sounds perfect.
Chillin with a glass of wine watching the snow fall. Hope you all find some peace today.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 6:19 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]
Having a couple friends come over for the superbowl today. Will be the first time since DDay that I have really hung out with friends. Hoping it will go well and I am not a Debbie Downer. Go Broncos!!!
I thought my situation was the worst thing that ever happened to anyone ever, and then you come here and learn there are thousands of horrible stories and you are not alone. That is both amazingly sad and incredibly comforting. Many formerly trusted spouses have done horrific, despicable, callous, hurtful things.
I am so sorry. It is pychologically traumatizing to see something like that and find out your husband is an evil stranger. I was in shock for at least a week. Get a therapist right away. Go talk to a lawyer right away (even if you aren't going to do anything, find out your rights and have someone to call if you get into trouble and need someone quick.
Some things you said really resonated with me. When you said that you aren't even sure if you are in love with your husband. I was there too. I loved him, was best friends with him and the reasons why I loved him were that I thought he was honest, moral, trustworthy, family focused, loving, kind, and caring. Once I learned about his long term affair, lying, deceipt, fraud and then the cold and callous way he told me...all the love I had drained away immediately. I was done, I don't even know him.
The passion in our marriage was definately a problem. He blamed me, saying I never wanted to have sex....and I told him what intimacy I needed and wanted in order to increase/improve the sex. He felt that he shouldn't have to work at it, was mad that I was making it "conditional.' Selfish much?
What I am now realizing is that the reason I wasn't feeling so amorous was probably because he was cheating and the true intimacy and love that was once there wasn't there anymore and I felt like something was "off" but I didn't really know what. There was something a little creepy or repellant about the sex actually. NOW I am realizing that my subconcious was probably telling me something my brain wasn't getting. I can admit now that I didn't really like it that much.
In our relationship I always felt like I was giving more, doing more, loving more. He was always saying I didn't appreciate what he did, that he did soooo much and all was equal, and that I should just want to have sex with him with no effort on his part. I accepted so little from him, and yet he made me feel badly about what I did ask for (in the way of help, intimacy, engagement with me and the kids)and here he was screwing some whore he met online for a year and half....then when he confessed it was all about how his needs weren't being met, how he felt I wasn't attracted to him, didn't love him...all him, him, him.
People are capable of really horrible things. Take care of yourself. Stand in your own truth and do not drink his kool aid while you figure out what you are going to do. Do not call your BFF, she is not your friend. She betrayed you and deceived you.
Having the date is making me reflect on the past 20 years. There were some good times but how many were lies?
The night after my horror I confronted my WH with some questions. Before I went and crawled back into bed that night I pulled out a bible, put my hand on it, looked him in the eye and said "in all the years we have been married I never had sex with anyone else." He had a look of complete shock on his face. I really think he must have convinced himself that I did to take away some of his own guilt. I'll never forget that look.