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User Topic: My life feels like an episode of Jerry Springer
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The night after my horror I confronted my WH with some questions. Before I went and crawled back into bed that night I pulled out a bible, put my hand on it, looked him in the eye and said "in all the years we have been married I never had sex with anyone else." He had a look of complete shock on his face. I really think he must have convinced himself that I did to take away some of his own guilt. I'll never forget that look.

That look of shock says a lot. I really just wish that he could have found a better way than to blow everything up like he did. There's no excuse for it. I can hardly understand it.

How are you doing today iamnolongerblind42? What are your latest challenges? Those x friends of yours still dead to you and have respected NC?

Thinking of you Blind.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi YOP and fellow SIers..

Today sucks!!! Found out my "good" friends have known for weeks what happened but no one called to see how I was doing. They all just gossiped among themselves. Their excuse was "well, we just didn't know what to say, it's all so shocking".

This is what you say...

"We are here for you. Would you like to get some coffee or go out for dinner? I am here to talk anytime you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on." You don't gossip amongst each other. AAGGGHHHH!!!

You really do find out who your true friends are in these types of situations and my well is pretty damn shallow. Maybe SI should plan getaway weekends for fellow SI members. I just booked a week trip to Chicago for the end of this month. I am going to the Biggest Loser Resort there and meeting some people that I met at the one in New York a year ago. I think it is just what I need. A week for ME with people that do not know anyone where I live. Anyone else have the last week of February open? If so, book a week. It is not only a physical challenge but mentally is so great. I came back last year with a whole new perspective on life.

Kids are doing better and adjusting to life with Mom and Dad living in separate houses. My WH and I have divided all assets, agreed to custody, child support and parenting plan. I had to give him a sizable check and I hope he uses it to pay off his debt but can't make him.

XBF and AssH have not tried to contact me since right after it happened (or right after I caught them...who knows how long they have been messing around) I never sent them an NC. They just stopped trying to contact me. I think they still talk to my WH.

Part of me wants to move and start over new in a new city where nobody knows me but with the kids I can't do that.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you had a crap day. I sooooooo know what you mean about learning who your real friends are in a time of crisis. After my brother died, many of my good friends, including who I thought was my best friend all but disappeared. Even my gf a few months later (she started to distance herself). Really I don't think people know how to handle crisis. Out of that mess I learned who my two best friends (other than my wife) in the world were. Their actions spoke louder than words. One would come over to my house constantly and get me the hell out of there. Sometimes he wouldn't let me go home. The other called me weekly as he was living in another state.

If they knew about it and they were a true friend, they would have shown up on your doorstep or reached out in any way they could. That's what decent people do. Unfortunately most people don't want to associate with a crisis and distance themselves. Coffee? Dinner? How about Hello. How are you even. Sheesh. Sorry to say this is adding an extra layer to your shyte sandwich Blind. Would you like fries with that sandwich?

That sounds like an awesome trip! You'll have to share with us when you get back...unless you want to keep something just for you...

Glad to here the kiddos are doing well. That's good news at least.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cut those friends out of your life and make new ones.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I was at my son's high school tonight watching a game, I saw a friend of mine across the gym and went over to say hello. It was not until I got just a few feet away when I realized AssH was sitting in front of her. I turned around and literally sprinted back across the gym. Was the first time I have run into my XBF's H since the incident. I really wish they would move away!!!


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This another tough situation for you. I wish you could just say that they are dead to you and that you never have to see them again. Unfortunately this is not realistic in your circumstances. With your kids being friends, or being involved in each other's lives whether it be school activities, sports, or whatever, this will probably happen again. Prepare yourself for it. If you want them to be dead to you or not have any confrontation, practice it by yourself at home on how you would like it to go while you are cool and level headed. If you don't want them to ever talk to you and they approach you while you are in close proximity, tell them to respect your space and to not talk to you. If they continue to talk, repeat it. Always remain as calm and cool as you can even if you want to scream. It's called grace under pressure. Talk to IC about it. About what could potentially happen next time you see one of them and how you want it to play out.

It sucks that you were actually reaching out to someone, yet again, only to have to drop it because AssH was in the vicinity.

The good news is that you don't really have to talk to them ever, even if they are sometimes right in front of you. You don't. They can remain dead to you. If you are able to remain calm, composed, and are not intimidated by them in any way whenever they are around, that makes YOU the winner and sends them a message that YOU are better than their bullshit. I like to think that AssH was sitting across the gym for a reason to give you space. I hope that is the case. Maybe I give him too much credit.

Look how far you have come with all of this in such a short time. Dealing with xBF and AssH are way down on the priority list as far as having to even think about them. Hopefully you will never have to deal with them at all ever. My point here is that if you do end up having to deal with them, be prepared and hold your head high. Take the high road and be strong even if you are a mess on the inside.

Thinking out loud here... How would you like the situation to go if they did approach you? Or if the situation you were in last night should present itself again, what if you stopped and talked to your friend anyway even with him right there? Would you have liked to say to your friend come on over here for a sec and lets chat. Just wanted to say hi. She could could have come a few feet over to talk to you without AssH being right in front of her. You have that right. I know it was the first time you had to see AssH after DDay and your stomach was probably , but next time if you're prepared for it, you may not be . Maybe you could be a dignified . Or maybe just kick the crap out of them (jk about that last one even if you really want to). How would you like to see the situation go if it should happen again?

Later Blind.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ask some tough question YOP and I have been pondering them for over a day. Still not read to answer but wanted to let you know I am thinking about it. Thank you for keeping me thinking about what is BEST to do.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I have given a lot of thought to this. I think I really need to send them a letter and tell them they need to respect my boundaries. I would really like if they just pretend they do not know me and I will do the same. If we are at the same events, we should do our best to sit as far apart as possible and I would like it if they do not sit by my friends. It makes it uncomfortable for them and I need my real friends right now. I guess I should probably list all the people that know so they will know whom to avoid.

What I really want to do is say in front of a whole room of people if they try to approach me is "Really, you think I will get close enough to you to share the same air after your whore of a wife f$$k## my husband, you sick bastard!"

Felt good just typing it

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 10:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The letter may not be a bad idea. It's certainly a way to let them know your concerns without having to speak with them directly. Hopefully that will work. But what if it doesn't? Or what if you still find yourself in an uncomfortable situation with them? Hopefully that won't happen. Realistically it still might even with a letter. What happens if you "accidentally" sit near each other? Or any other 1,000,001 things that can happen? Can you mentally prepare yourself for it so you're not overwhelmed in any way? I just don't want to see you get hurt any more than you already have been or have you be uncomfortable in any way. Hopefully they can remain dead to you. I don't want to seem preachy in any way. I just want you to be prepared for the what if. You don't have to answer. Just know that it could still happen and by preparing yourself for it, things may end up going the way you want them to go if it should. Trying to think of your best interests here Blind.

And F^^^ THEM!!! Love that attitude Blind! Scream at them all you want here. Start another thread on it and let loose!! I'll bet you will have many other's here singing a chorus.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a technique for not seeing those in front of you with whom you do not wish to speak or acknowledge. It comes from quite a few years back, and it's called "the cut direct."

You do not see the people even though they might be in front of you. You ignore them. If they speak, you do not hear. They are, almost literally, dead to you. If your friend screws up and tries to direct your attention to them, you don't take the bait, you keep your focus on your friend (explaining later if you need to that you do not speak to those people) and ignore any attempts to include the others. If the others keep trying to interfere or your friend doesn't *get* that you are not talking to the other, you tell your friend that you would love to chat with them later in a less noisy place and to please call you, and you leave. Your attitude is bored indifference you really have no interest what so ever in what gooy material is on the bottom of a shoe, so you just don't bother with the shoe.

Takes a lot of will power in the beginning, but the good news is that it becomes easier with practice.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5088 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want a divorce!!!! I am going to covert the legal separation to full divorce. I just want to get off this Ferris wheel!


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got titles to cars transferred today. Working on houses next. Kids will be with WH for full week next week. Will be first time since DDay. I am going to go to Chicago for the week. Don't think I would make it hanging out in my house all alone. When I get back I start a new job. Every day I feel more like the girl I used to be and realize how much I missed her. Never realized how much she went away.

WH has started the blame phase. It's all my fault he did these things. I am not buying into it. Try to limit contact as much as possible.

XBF has still done nothing to try to apologize except for the single "I'm Sorry" text.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You continue to impress me, Blind. Congrats on the new job. You are an amazing woman. I am glad to hear you are heading to Chicago! That's awesome. You are so strong and so determined. I don't mean to in any way minimize what you've been through by saying this... but I know you are going to be JUST FINE. I know you are hurting. Of course you are. But you have shown such a force of will, it leaves me in awe, quite honestly. So glad you are not letting any of his attempts at blameshifting get to you at all. This is ALL on him. Ridiculous. One can't help but wonder what is going on in his head.

How are your kids doing with all of this? Does your DD know any of the truth? How is your son handling things? How do they feel about staying with their Dad?

My thoughts and prayers remain with all 3 of you.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 737 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing how empty those "I'm Sorry"s are. Some times 'sorry' just isn't good enough, even if it were heart felt.

I completely understand wanting to switch from LS to D. I switched back and forth and back again before settling on divorce. The initial shock is just overwhelming. There is nothing that can prepare you for this level of betrayal.

However, you have come so far so fast, even if it doesn't feel like it. Going to Chicago sounds like an excellent idea. Pamper yourself. Get some Frango Mints at Macy's, Giordano's stuffed pizza, whatever you like to do. Wave towards the western suburbs while you're here and I'll wave back.

Stay strong, and FTG! What he thinks is not your problem anymore.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1952 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Content  Posted: 1:21 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are my hero---I wish I would have been as brave as you----you are awesome---those 3 cheaters had more shaky deals than earthquakes---this was not just because they were drunk----CHEATERS----so glad you left the dirty laundry behind-----now try to not have any contact with the psycho ex--he will never go to counseling because he is never going to tell how he always cheated on you---he will never tell the story or with whom--he is very sick---in my life and my experience being honest with the kids is best---your daughter has to know and your son----are you not afraid to leave the kids alone with this psycho---do not trust him around the kids alone---he is not too moral and is nasty---you may think there is nothing to fear but please LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS---HE IS A LIAR,SUBSTANCE ABUSER,CHEATER,INTO DEVIANT SEX PRACTICES,STEALS,AND NO FEELINGS---DOES NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG---PLEASE IT HAPPENNED TO MY SISTER, YOU NEED TO BE AWARE THESE GUYS ARE SICK VERY SICK--PROTECT YOUR KIDS---again congratulations on being so smart,gutsy,brave and true to yourself------no contact with the psycho,let him call the kids------PLEASE REMEMBER TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS____HE IS NOT SAFE TO BE ALONE WITH THEM----in time you will find out more garbage about this man,just wait

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely impressed with where you are at. Have fun in Chicago and congrats on the new job.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Blind:

I've just finished reading through your entire thread. I can't believe what you've gone through and what strength and resolve you have shown over the last few weeks. Your kids are so lucky to have such a strong and honorable woman as their mother.

Your WH on the other hand is the biggest piece of slime on the planet. He shows absolutely no remorse and actually seems to believe that you caused the problems in this marriage. WRONG. What an absolute arse-hole he is. Just take comfort in the fact that one day your kids will understand the actions you took and also realize that your WH was the one who betrayed the family with this callous actions.

I have a few questions/comments for you however:

1) Why have you not exposed the ex-BF and AssH for their adulterous ways? Is it common knowledge in your town that these two are swingers? If not then why do you need to keep their filthy lifestyle a secret?
2) I would be more forthcoming with your DS. He is old enough now to understand what has happened. Although you don't need to get too graphic with him, I suggest to give him a high level explanation of what happened. This will help him understand why he needs to avoid BF and AssH in the future. Your DS will surely tell BF/AssH's son and this will be the ultimate shame to them.
3) Your daughter. She is only 11, but I have a strong suspicion that she is taking this very hard as well. Again I would suggest that you tell her in age-appropriate terms EXACTLY what happened. Don't hide anything or lie. In 20 years from now your kids will only remember the lies. If you tell the truth without being graphic, they will respect you in the long-run.

Keep posting and stay strong......................Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Why have you not exposed the ex-BF and AssH for their adulterous ways?

I have started telling a few people and somewhat hope it spreads from there but I am still trying to protect my DS. They are the parents of his best friend.

2) I would be more forthcoming with your DS. He is old enough now to understand what has happened.

I plan to when I feel the time is right. He already questions why I can't forgive his Dad so I know he will need to know at some point.

3) Your daughter. She is only 11, but I have a strong suspicion that she is taking this very hard as well. Again I would suggest that you tell her in age-appropriate terms EXACTLY what happened. Don't hide anything or lie. In 20 years from now your kids will only remember the lies. If you tell the truth without being graphic, they will respect you in the long-run.

If they ask me, I won't lie but still think she is too young. I did tell her today about how her friend's parents are divorced and she said "yeah, I know" and I said and see "she is still really happy and sees both her Mom and Dad." She agreed.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spent last week in Chicago at a "boot camp" kind of workout program focusing on me while kids spent first full week with WH. Just did not feel like I could face my empty house without my kids. I know I won't always be able to avoid but was really nice for this first time. Also met a wonderful lady who had a similar story so was nice to have someone to talk with that could truly relate.

Started my new job today and it went really well. Much better than expected.

I really do think everything is going to turn out just fine.

Still hurts that neither my WH or XBF fought for me in any way but it has made decision making a lot easier.

Kids are learning to deal with new situation and no longer seem too sad. Really thankful for that.

My minute by minute, day by day now seems to be week by week...progress!


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back Blind. Thanks for the update. Glad that everything keeps moving forward for you. It amazes me how far you have come in a short amount of time. No less painful though.

Please continue to let us know how you are doing.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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