Do you have thoughts on how you want to move forward in the coming week? Maybe make yourself a checklist to concentrate on? Schedule STD test. Schedule independent counseling session. Find a divorce lawyer (not that you have to do anything yet but will send a message that you are serious). Get list of questions together that you want answered about OW. Block email, texts from friend and her husband. Get list of questions together for friend and her husband (was that really their first time - trust is gone from all offending parties here I assume). How do you want to handle immediate and short term living conditions? Etc etc etc. will give you something to focus on other than the pain.
Focus on what you want to do. Not what any of the offending parties want you to do. And most of all take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.
Took shower till all the hot water ran out and drank a glass if water. Am hungry but can't eat. I tried.
Confronted WH with questions. Claims last night was a drunken stupor and that it was the first time with my friend.
Says there were 2 other times 7 years ago when we almost got divorced over his financial infidelity.
I don't believe those we the only other times.
Keeps telling me how sorry his is.
I asked him what he was most worried about and he said losing me, our family and dying old and alone. The last part tells me it's still all about him.
I am so mad at myself for not divorcing him 7 years ago. Feel like I have wasted the last 7 years. Now instead of being 35, I'm 42 and before my kids were young enough not to have been as deeply wounded as they will be today.
I am allowing myself to wallow in self pity today only. Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL NOT lay in bed and cry all day.
Again, thanks to all that have been responding. I do not have anyone I can talk to about this and you are truly saving my sanity.
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
He is in the guest room.
He will tell or son (sparing gory details tomorrow). We will not tell our daughter as she is too young to understand (11).
I will find a counselor for me.
Not sure I can stomach the thought of STD testing right now.
I will get out of bed everyday, shower and exercise. Will drink water and try my best to eat something.
I will not blame myself anymore!
Soo so so so so so sosoosososo sorry that you are facing this horror!!
and it is a horror.
you asked what do you do today?
move slow. take care of your basic needs. try to find someone you can confide in; it's a lot to bring to someone and I kept quiet for a long time and I wish i had someone to go to.
If can go into "crisis" mode you can run on adrenaline by taking care of the things like doctor's visits, appt with attorney to get info, etc.
My WS also has YEARS of financial infidelity and I am mad at myself for not leaving when that was all starting to become clear that it was not a short term problem. I was in my late 30s then, now i'm in my late 40s and yes, i feel the wasted years too.
Sounds like it is all about him. I don't know how long it will take you to process that, but when you do you can free yourself. Based on my experience there is no hope with all about him people unless you want to be a doormat.
and you're not blind. they are good at lying and manipulating
sorry i'm not more clear, i am so tired and drained but felt so terribly reading your post that wanted to at least reach our to you even if I couldn't give it my best as my brain is fried.
sorry sorry sorry
you will survive and thrive! PROMISE.
Not today, but one day, sooner than later.
Please keep me posted of how your are handling your situation.
So sad there are so many people hurting like me.
Although my situation is different (remorseful wife had one night stand three days ago and then immediately told me), I can totally relate to how you feel.
RE the Jerry Springer/thought my parter was different stuff, I also basically can't believe that this ridiculous stuff is happening to us, and her having sex while drunk in a hotel with a colleague seems like something that would happen in a sh1t soap opera, not to us. Even she has acknowledged how embarrassing and ridiculous it all is, and used the word 'cliche' to sum it up.
Don't want to use your problems to vent mine, but as everyone has been so nice to me, I wanted to try and help someone else - and the only way I feel I have of doing that is to share what has happened to us and how it has made me feel. Good luck with it, I hope you feel better soon.
Second, kids aren't stupid. You can say that you are having marital problems and as soon as you know what is happening, you will answer all of their questions. I sent mine away for the weekends after D-day so I could have a mental break and they could go have fun. Or tell them when you calm down, you will talk to them. Answer honestly and simply. If they say, "Are you getting a D??" Answer, "I don't know yet."
Third. Call a therapist (IC here, Individual Counselor) for an appointment so you have someone safe to talk to.
Fourth. Lawyer up. You don't have to retain a L, you just need to know what your options are.
Sixth. Do not allow ANY of them to "gaslight" you. That means they will downplay what you saw. Absolutely it is cheating. Don't talk to any of them right now as they are all in "cover" mode.
I know you feel stupid, but don't. If someone wants to lie to you, there is nothing you can do to change that. This is ALL on him. Do you have family to turn to? I did in the beginning, but my IC is really the person I turn to for emotional support.
One day at a time. You will go through a roller coaster of emotions. Perfectly normal. Hang in there!
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I like that iamsoblind42! Try and keep it up. If you haven't already your emotions may be turning to anger and possibly rage. I find that anger can be much more productive when it comes to getting your shit together. Focus like a laser on what you need to do for yourself and you will find that you can get through the drama better. Just don't go through your life angry like I have. Use it as a tool for the immediate now and dealing with the bs.
Keep us updated. Was thinking of you today.
I have been stuck in my room now for 2 days because I can't stand the sight if him.
I miss my kids and I should be the one hanging out with them, not him!!!
I took my wedding ring off today. Looking at it makes me want to vomit thinking about all the lies and broken promises.
I am going to sell it and use the money for a nice trip.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:19 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]
We told the kids and he is packing now.
I will get through this....breathe...
If you're still having problems eating anything, get yourself some whole-nutrition drinks like Ensure. Sip them, a few oz at a time. That will help.
Try to get some rest today and enjoy your children. And then tomorrow, make an appointment with at least one lawyer and find out what your rights are and the likely spousal/child support you will receive. Knowledge is power and that will help you start planning a way forward. And do block that POS OM and his whore of a wife. You own them nothing up to and including spitting on them if they were fire.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I told to him to move out. Can't look at him right now and I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home.
We told the kids and he is packing now.
I will get through this....breathe...
You've got guts iamsoblind42. Which means you've probably got a big 'ol heart too. Share that heart with your kids tonight. They are going to be hurting too. They may or may not be running a range of emotions just like you. They could be angry or hurt or any number of things. If the are angry with you, they did just spend most of the day with their dad, don't sweat it. Any and all emotions are natural. You don't have to say much tonight. Let them see the hurt in you and hug them close, tight, and long. Engage them.
My thoughts will be with you and your family tonight. Stay the course. You are one tough lady.
Be there for your kids. One of mine knows more gory details than I would like but it couldn't be avoided. Your son will be hurting and missing his dad - let him have a relationship with him as long as it seems healthy and your son wants it. Your daughter may be just better at hiding her feelings. Set terms of dating too. I personally would not want my kids around the paid women my WH prefers. He will have to do that on the non-visitation days. Also try not to be negative against your WH in front of the kids. It's more negative energy for you and the kids.
See a lawyer sooner than later. This way if he decides "you can't kick him out" and tries to return, you will know your rights. Change the locks if the lawyer says you can.
Eat, drink and take care of yourself. Do you have a good support system around you?
Also, I don't believe for a minute that this is the first time with the BF and her H. Seriously, how would that happen that the very first time it happened with them 1) you caught them in your home, and 2) he was giving her oral sex while her husband watched. Nope, that is something that requires some working up to.
It was happening in your own house? Were you expected to be home? Where were your kids while this was happening? Hammered or not... This is totally unacceptable. I've read a lot of stories on here, and I thought mine was pretty bad... But oh my goodness... I am so sorry that you had to experience something so incredibly traumatic. You are so very strong.
There are many people her who will give you better advice than I can but I wanted you to know you are not alone, many of our WS used our/their homes, my WH had sex with a neighbor in her house and although her BH and son were at work and school respectively they could have come home? It beggars belief! However I am not sure if the BH knew (and agreed to it) all along as he apparently set his computer up to video them... I finally found out through the BH showing me a still photo from the video after they stopped doing it in her house and went to a hotel (he wasn't getting a share of it anymore so decided to expose? crazy? just shows you don't know anyone except yourself)
Good luck on this journey, you are very early on and how you feel today will probably be different next week/month. Just make sure you look after yourself -drink, eat little and often, sleep-especially as you have 2 children who also need you.
I made him leave because I can't look at him and don't want to feel like I should be punished in my own home yet I can't stop checking to see if he had called, emailed, messaged, anything...
I don't want to talk to him yet but I want him to be begging, sobbing and miserable.
Is that normal?
If he is SOOOO sorry and loves me SOOOO much why isn't he showing it?