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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My life feels like an episode of Jerry Springer
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. This is exactly the situation I found myself in. Mine had $20k of debt that he admitted to. Everything was online and I have never got to the bottom of it. He also gave money to the other women. All of this while constantly asking me for money. I had to be the finanically responsible manager in the marriage. It was like living with a child.

This was the reason I got divorced, to protect myself and my children from his selfishness. I knew that one day we would end up losing assets or paying child support to some girlfriend.

You are not alone. Usually I post in D&S and many of us post about having to sort out our finances after this situation. These wayward men spend money to impress their OW, the sex and the spending go together.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I want to let you all know I read your comments first on whether to call my sister in law and weighed the pros and cons. In the end I decided it was best. She went through a nasty D a few years back and I knew she could help me and my WH. She was actually quite great about it. Said she loves her brother but was not surprised as he has had a problem lying his entire life and has taken money from her before. She also says whole family knows he's an alcoholic. She was a little shocked on the A especially since it was with my BF but really she handled it very professionally and matter-of-factly.

She also recommended I meet with an attorney and protect our assets ASAP. Since she had to deal with a D years back she also had lots of great advice for the kids. We have never been incredibly close but she told me she loved me and I was family and no matter what happens that will not change. I needed to hear that.

She really wants stage an intervention and get my WH into a treatment facility to address his addictions. I agree. Leaving him won't change his behavior. He may feel guilty, blah, blah, blah but he's not going to change without professional help.

Regardless of what I decide to do with the M, he really needs to do this for himself and for our kids. I know he is miserable and as much as I want to kick him in the gonads right now, he is still the father of my children. I hope their intervention works. No date has been planned yet.

I did lots of positive things today and will share with you all later in another post.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can afford to do it, if it won't leave you financially destitute, D is a good path to take to protect yourself..You said that you knew whatever action you took to deal with this situation wouldn't change your WH's behavior..This is very true..But now is the time to focus on what is best for you and your kiddos in the long run..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:58 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like to me your Xbf,s h is into cuckold, and him trying to get you to let her help your and the have done this with other couples. It seems like a setup was made for group sex. I would be age honest with dd. I would tell her daddy was testing another woman like a girlfriend and your hurt. Married people don't kiss other people this way.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 279 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have never been incredibly close but she told me she loved me and I was family and no matter what happens that will not change. I needed to hear that.

My one SIL acted very similarly ... at first. She even offered to take me to the appointment for my STD/HIV testing, which really touched me. We also hadn't been that close but were friendly enough. She also gave me the "ILY, we are family" speech. I asked her out to dinner a couple of weeks later and she then said she was too stressed being in the middle of our mess, that she felt she had to support her brother and blew me off.

So, don't be surprised if your SIL isn't a source of support for long. They are family.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't be surprised if your SIL isn't a source of support for long. They are family.

Hope not, that will suck but you are right, I am not blood.

I will get through this regardless.

My life has been hard. I moved out and took care of myself when I was just 15. This is just another hurdle. I am not one to wallow in self pity for too long. I will climb out of this stronger than I have ever been.

Today I teared up a few times but I did not cry. I laughed watching The Goldbergs. I went to the gym. I went to the bank and set up a new account and moved most of my money. We have had separate accounts for 7 years but just want to make sure my assets are safe for our kids sake. I found some treatment facilities for WH and sent them to my SIL. From here on out I will let any intervention or treatment encouragement come from his family to him. I did my part to help WH by telling her. I can't help him at this point. I need to heal me and my kids. I printed out all forms for legal separation and will complete them tomorrow. I live in a state where I do not have to worry about alimony. At first I thought I'd sell my wedding ring and go on a nice trip. I will now give it to him so he can help pay off the debt he has wracked up on who knows how many whores. Again he is still only admitting to 2 ONS 7 years ago and of course the Friday night episode of Jerry Springer.

I can't see anything more fitting then for him to have to pawn the wedding ring. Guess I am in the revenge stage now? Wow, I am flying through these stages.

Packed up suitcase full of clothes for WH today as apparently he did not pack very many when he left on Sunday. Got the biggest one we have and filled it as full as I could. Wish I could have packed everything. Left it for him to grab when kids and I were not here. He has agreed to move into our rental home which will be available next weekend.

Tomorrow is the day I may have to see XBF and her WH and my WH at my S basketball game. 99% sure I am gonna skip this one. I will not miss the whole season but don't want to backslide as I feel I have made too much progress. My D has practice at the same time anyway so we will need to divide and conquer. WH can have his f'd up triangle.

For anyone else out there in this mess I highly suggest you pull WS credit report ASAP.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you already took care of bank accounts/moving money..

Can one legally pull WS credit report? Does it affect one's own credit to make an inquiry?

I am glad that you are in a state where you don't have to worry about alimony...

I am in a no fault state that isn't all too friendly about awarding alimony to men but will do so if the men are my age and are unemployed or under employed, even if they are the cheaters..

So having proof of the adultery in our state is almost useless unless it is needed for child custody and / or blackmail in settlement negotiations..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:12 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there iamsoblind42. Plenty of great advice here. I fear that there is still more to come for you. I'm very curious as to what's on those cc statements.

Stay strong. You are one tough lady.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1850 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Iamsoblind42)))

I have to say your subject line is spot on! Your "friends" are revolting, I felt sick reading what happened but the way they continued by contacting you is nothing short of bullying.

I don't have any great advice for you but want you to know I admire you so much, you really are a special strong woman to have done all you did in the past to support your WH - it really is appalling how he has treated you. The financial situation is beyond belief, how the hell did he think he would get away with it - did he expect you to bail him out again?

It is hard for your kids and I'm so glad your son is there for you, I'm sure your daughter will be too.

Sending you hugs, positive thoughts & strength - we're here for you x


Posts: 121 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I thought I'd sell my wedding ring and go on a nice trip. I will now give it to him so he can help pay off the debt he has wracked up on who knows how many whores. Again he is still only admitting to 2 ONS 7 years ago

Please do not do this! If you are serious about helping him, then you cannot enable his behavior or ease the consequences. He wracked up that debt and he needs to get himself out of it! You cannot afford to be codependent now. Watch his actions - you need every penny for yourself.

It is not your problem to solve. And if you do help solve it then you are giving him a signal that what he did is somehow not all his responsibility. He will never get better until he tells the whole truth and admits he has a problem.

Also, he needs to pay you half the rent on the rental property.

Let him get a second job, make economies and feel some pain. Frankly, being separated from his family was something my ex got used to. He complains far more about his reduced financial situation following the divorce. Please, let your husband hit rock bottom. If not, this behavior could continue, escalate and end up in some places that he can't come back from e.g. an arrest for soliciting or a permanent STD.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ I'm going to second this advice. You do him no favors by trying to put a cushion on the rocky bottom that he will have to hit if he's ever to turn himself around. I would say, sell the ring and take you and the kids somewhere wonderful.

I'm glad that you're going through the legal separation as well. You need to make sure that your assets are all protected and that, if he keeps on spending "his" money, that that debit is legally ALL his. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you all that I should not bail him out but the $600 + in interest fees alone each month affects me too now that I know. That is just throwing money away. It also affects our kids.

I am working on the sworn financial statements now. I am going to get him to accept those are his debts and then when we split assets that amount can be deducted from what he gets but they have to be paid off soon. The fees are ridiculous.

I will not give him the ring either. Revenge side of me smiles thinking how humiliating it would be for him to have to sell it to get the money to pay off some of his debt but IC was smart enough to point out that he may not use the money to pay the debts.

So, don't be surprised if your SIL isn't a source of support for long. They are family

LonelySilhouette - you were right. SIL has already broken communication. Who knows if WH will get the help he needs now.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LonelySilhouette - you were right. SIL has already broken communication.

One of those times I'm sorry to be right. :-(


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that everyone is living up to your worst expectations of them.

You are one mighty strong woman and I can hear the determination in your posts. You are going to be okay. You are. Know it. Believe it.

You are "working the plan" beautifully. To do list. Check. Next. Check. Move on. That kind of forward motion will all benefit your healing.

You are doing 100% better than I did post-Dday. It's a rare BS (IMO) that laces up her boots and goes to work.

I'm serious. You. Are. Going. To. Be. Fine.

Better than fine. A much better life awaits you.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I only seem to be doing better and moving faster than some because I have been here before. Did not know about WH cheating but the financial infidelity I faced 7 years ago honestly has same exact feeling.

Just got back from court house. Legal separation papers have been jointly filed...check!


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing today?????

I know you are strong and doing what you need to do, but you have still been blindsided and are hurting. This is traumatic.

Are you sleeping? Eating? Staying hydrated?

Be good to yourself!!!!!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering how you are doing today...

Sending you strength and hugs..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still hanging on. Maybe I am still in the hospital and I am on a coma and this is really not happening.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
brohl5
♀ Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so thankful to see you post.

((((huge hugs))))

We are all here for you. I know you feel so alone. Please talk to us. I promise it will help you.

Vent, ramble, ask questions, just type it out. It will help.


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
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