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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A Positive turn this morning, in light of some harsh realities
regret12
♀ Member
Member # 41902
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday and last night, I posted about weekend plans. I was dreading this weekend. My BH had plans with friends and I was resenting it. Then I got home yesterday evening and saw him and saw how tired he was, how pale and exhausted he looked. First full week back to work after the holidays, and many sleepless nights fraught with nightmares and uncontrollable thoughts/emotions. My homebody husband just wanted to spend this weekend the way we always do, watching some tv and movies, relaxing, laughing and being with his wife...the one he thought didn't cheat on him.

I first want to say thank you to many people on SI, because I've had my head up my ass for far too long and you have been the first and perhaps only people to have called me on it and really made me see. I've made myself into a victim many times over 22 years of my relationship with my H. He's not always been perfect and he's screwed up at times, but I always let him by, accepted it and played the martyr while I kept my true feelings to myself and grew to resent him. I blamed him for so many things and made him the bad guy. But, I was the coward.

A coward runs to another person for validation, even just my friends. I trashed my BF/H so many times in anger and then went right back to him with loving arms wide open. And then I ran to the arms of another M and when confronted, I lied about it for 12 years. I have been a coward for far too long. I've gotten mad at my H and blamed him, when he was just being honest about who he was and what he wanted. If I didn't like it, I could have chosen to leave, demand counseling, anything other than having an A.

So I crawled into the bed with him this morning and I put his head on my lap and I told him all of this starting with, "I'm sorry and I love you". The sad thing is after I said that he said, "but...?" And I said, no but, I want you to know that I'm sorry that I have blamed you for my A and my lying. I'm sorry that I have made you the bad guy and myself the victim. I'm sorry that you have to leave the house or find things to do when you are tired and just want to be home. I'm sorry that you don't want to be home because being home, with or without me here, reminds you of everything that I did to you and to us. Mostly I'm sorry for being a coward and not being truthful over the years. I love you and I am sorry that I hurt you and blamed you for it as if you deserved it. You didn't. Nobody does. I can never take back what I did, but I still love you and I still want to be with you for the rest of my life. I may not get you back, may not deserve to have you back. But I am here, more than I think I ever have been. And I'm patient. I love you and want you to be happy again. You deserve to be happy. You are good, you are kind and sweet and loving and honest. I love and admire you. And I want to be your wife for the rest of our lives." He cried, bawled actually. He so needed to hear this, and said so. He hugged me and he held on to me. I just tried to comfort him and kept saying how sorry I am.

I felt a little of the fog lift from both of us. It's still a long and bumpy road ahead with lots of uncertainties, but regardless of what happens, I needed smacked into reality and I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I've honestly gotten more from you here at SI than I got in 3 years of therapy with a PhD psychologist. Thank you guys. This is a breakthrough but we both still have miles to go.

So it's been a pretty good Saturday so far. The H is going over to his friends house to hang out which is always helpful for him. I'm gonna go get a haircut and enjoy a break in the weather. I hope anyone reading this can have a decent day too.

I shroud add that I read the "what every WS should know" repost last night as well and I think that really helped as well. If you haven't, you really should.


Me: WW (PA for 2 1/2 mos. 2001) - DDay 12/8/13
Him: WH (multiple EAs throughout dating and marriage) and two revenge PAs - DDay 1: 1/27/14 DDay 2: 2/20/14
Together 22, married 14
No children

Posts: 51 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest US
regret12
♀ Member
Member # 41902
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw, the reason he said "but?" He said later was he feared that I was coming to say I love you but I can't do this and want a divorce. He started crying. I said did that scare you? He said yes, and we both agreed that we aren't ready for that word. I told him that I love him and there are no buts about it. I am here for the long haul, ready to take responsibility that I should have taken years ago. If he still wants me.

We'll see...


Me: WW (PA for 2 1/2 mos. 2001) - DDay 12/8/13
Him: WH (multiple EAs throughout dating and marriage) and two revenge PAs - DDay 1: 1/27/14 DDay 2: 2/20/14
Together 22, married 14
No children

Posts: 51 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest US
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36972 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done you!


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was Very well done! Now live it for him and for you!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 5

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