Of course WSO was fucking OM behind my back and lying to me! He got more sex than I had in 3 years in the space of a week!!
He did tell me the day after D-Day "you never initiated, you were never interested...it was always like that." I felt bad at the time.
After reading a few books on sex addiction, I began to understand why I didn't enjoy sex as much as I wanted to. SA's sexualize everything...they're constantly groping you, rubbing up against you like a cat, ready for sex 24 hours a day. I wanted to have a strong marriage and for this reason at times consented to positions that were actually painful or just plain uncomfortable because I wanted to please him.
I also did initiate at times, but always ended up feeling like a fool because he would laugh or just lie still and wait for me to do everything, thus proving that I was "not interested" because I couldn't keep that up for very long.
Now I understand why I never felt like our sex life was an expression of intimacy. There is no real intimacy with SA's...it's an animal act, no love or warmth associated with it at all. And unbeknownst to me, he had been cheating on me for the last five years.
At times especially during the past year or so when he really began to ignore me (and sometimes I'd wait up for him with lingerie, but when he still wasn't home by 2am I'd fall asleep in frustration) I would sometimes fantasize about having a really good orgasm...but when we actually would have sex the pleasure was all his.
No wonder I "wasn't initiating" as often as he wanted!
"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
There is no excuse for cheating but I can see how someone not rejecting him must have felt good.
Current WH and I did it like rabbits. If we skipped a day it was too long for both of us - he still cheated.
I strongly suspect- but don't care- that he is cheating. A lot of un-accounted for time, phone is always completely free of text messages- and a lot of call from numbers that he doesn't have programmed- people that he supposedly talks to regularly. I could check- but why bother.
So yes- people do have sexless marriages- it's just how we chose to handle it.
What happene, he told me he was having heart cath,but in reality it was a. Penile implant. Just not forus, but AP and whomever.
Shock,hurt and disbelief. He thought he was never going robe found out WRONG.
I am done.
You know that saying I like you butI don't love you.....mine is after all these years. I love you butI don't like you.
I survived The ultimate B S
We are NOW in a sexless marriage, for some various reasons (and it is sexless for BOTH of us, nobody is cheating anymore). By "sexless," I mean less than 10 sexual encounters per year. I'm not thrilled- but he refuses to do anything to change the problem, and whenever I try to talk about it, my words go in one ear and out the other. Most of the reason we don't have sex revolves around his drinking. By the time we're both home from work in the evening, have dinner, and my daughter is put to bed (around 8:30), he is usually too drunk. Or we are arguing. Or something else comes up entirely. It's sad. I expected to have a sexless marriage in my 60's. Not in my 20's, married to someone in his 20's.
With my daughter's dad- we were not in a sexless relationship at all. We did stop having sex for 10 weeks after I had a c-section, so he feels that the relationship was sexless for a "long period of time" and that justified him cheating before, during, and after that time period. Asshat.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
This thread simply confirms what I already knew. While some couples do experience a change in the frequency of when they have sex (during their spouse's affair), it's still pretty rare indeed when it completely stops.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 5:14 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]
He rejects me and has always been the one to say no. He gives me no reason and he refuses to attend counseling with me. I have read almost everything written on the subject. He says he loves me dearly and doesn't know why he doesn't want sex with me. Before menopause, I wanted sex with him daily. Menopause decreased my drive therefore I now live comfortably without it. However the four times he has wanted to try again since then, I have been a willing and eager participant. Twice we succeeded and twice we failed. That was four attempts in four years.
Still he is the one cheating. I think his affair is an EA because I've searched and that is all I can find evidence of occurring. He has cheated most of our marriage. But he says his EAs are not cheating.
So yes there are sexless marriages. Still no excuse for cheating.
[This message edited by RuckedUp at 5:52 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I had a conversation with him on June 18, 2013, talking about my most recent bloodwork results and the current "plan of attack" for treatment. He offered to go to my upcoming doctor appointments with me. I found out later that, immediately after that conversation, that he went online, upgraded his membership to one of his sex search sites, and emailed several women to try to hook up.
I guess the realization that his wife had continued health issues caused him concern that he would be missing out on the sex he needed. About a week later, he hooked up with one of those women.
In therapy, after D-Day, he claimed he didn't know about my health issues. I found one of the more detailed conversations we had on the matter, via email, debunking his claim. I think the simple truth was just that he didn't care one iota about me or my health, apart from the context of how it affected his sex life.
Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.
When OW called me to out the affair, that was the one thing she was concerned about. I of course refused to answer her questions about our sex life. I guess she wanted to know if he had been lying to her and telling her we never had sex. We had really had sex the night before, but I wasn't sharing that info with her whoring ass. She already knew enough about me and I never knew she even existed. It then made perfect sense why he was so grabby, becuase she let him do it to her skanky ass.
Anyway, we did go through the HB after DDay#1. It didn't stop him from having sex with her again. Now I feel no obligation to have sex with him. Like a previous poster he is usually drunk and passes out long before bed and I have made it clear that he is not to wake me up for sex. If he wants it, stay sober long enough to get it, otherwise he is shit out of luck.
Its kind of hard to get excited about sex with someone who only wants quickies, right before having sex says I haven't showered in two days so lets have sex before I get cleaned up, or my personal favorite - wakes me up after coming home drunk and wants to have sex for an hour.
Yep - my sex life after kids and pre-A was so awesome. Basically I just had to show up and lay there. I was a living breathing blow up doll. He didn't care that my needs were not met and maybe that was the problem.
Our sex life has been rocky since D-Day. But since our M lacks any real intimacy because he wants his secrets - well you do the math.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.